My Dearest Rosilyn,
You were like a snow day to a teacher in the middle of February: unexpected but so desperately desired. I could't help but smile; I wanted to shout the news from the rooftops! Oh, Rosilyn...the moment we decided on your name...Rosilyn...i my heart I knew it was you...Rosilyn...it resonated just the way it did when we named your sisters.
A part of me died that morning when I saw the blood because I knew...I knew it was you saying goodbye. Oh, sweet child! I can't find the words to describe my guilt! here are no words wicked enough or depths dark enough to match the horrible things I think about myself for losing you, for letting you slip away. I failed you, Rosilyn. My body was not strong enough...my love was not enough...I was not enough...I WAS NOT ENOUGH.
Since losing you, I've been more than a little lost myself. Sometimes the days will pass as a blur. Sometimes I will become overwhelmed with darkness. Sometimes I will feel as though I've lost all control. The emotions often swallow me, like huge waves crashing on the beach. I now find myself feeling empty on the days when I should have been feeling most full with you, days when your feet would have been so clearly defined when you kicked around inside me. I've tried to take away the emotional pain by inflicting physical pain upon myself. I've let myself become consumed by a monstrous force of self destruction. I've wanted to die with you, sweet child...I've thought that death would be less painful than this life without you.
I've been surrounded by the heavy fog left in the dawn after your departure, a fog so thick I've not been able to see what's really right in front of me. Hidden in that fog, though, sweet Rosilyn, is my life...a life that still has purpose. My body may have failed you, but it needs to continue to function so that it can make music with my students and share that passion. My love may not have been enough to keep you alive, but it needs to stay here and continue to embrace your beautiful sisters because they need their mother's love. I may not have been enough...I am not ever enough on my own for you or anyone else, but thankfully I am surrounded by amazing people who are stronger, smarter, and lovelier than I and they won't let me drown.
I'll always carry you in my heart, Rosilyn. The flame of my love for you will never die so long as I choose to live. Every beat of my heart will include an ache just for you. And although I failed you, I can only hope that you knew only love, because from the moment I knew you were in me, all I felt was love. So much love...and uninhibited joy.
All my love, forever and always,
Mommy
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
Monday, August 21, 2017
The Blame Game
blame (v)--assign responsibility for fault or wrong
Our society seems to be obsessed with assigning blame; everyone wants to point fingers when things go wrong. I'm sure you've noticed it somewhere: in your workplace, on TV, in your home, with our President...everyone is always looking for a scapegoat. There must be a reason, some sort of rationale, for when bad things happen, right? For many of us, it is impossible to accept that bad things happen for no reason. For those of us who are Believers in God or any sort of otherworldly force, we just can't accept that bad things happen without a source to blame.
For some of us, though, that source to blame often becomes ourselves. It becomes second nature to just take everything bad and throw it onto our own shoulders. Is it always rational, though? Is it justified? Usually not, but we accept it anyway. Sometimes it almost becomes an addiction...it becomes unhealthy...it becomes a disease that leads to self loathing and a whole lot of negative emotions. I think, though, as a society, we've come to allow this self-blame to be something that is widely accepted and happens far too often in certain scenarios or with certain types of people.
Those of us who have suffered a miscarriage or infant loss: we MUST stop blaming ourselves. I think we can all say with absolute certainty that we would have sacrificed it all for those babies...but it wasn't ever really in our hands. We have to be willing to accept that to have closure and move on with life. We have to let go of that guilt in order to heal...because that guilt is an incredibly heavy load that is weighing us down entirely too much to rise above. It's sometimes hard to accept the outcome, hard to accept the body we have been given and the betrayals it makes on our desires, hard to accept that a loving God would torture our heart in such a way if there wasn't a reason...but that reason is not inside of ourselves. It is hard to accept (and I'm not there yet, trust me), but I hope that we can all come to a place of acceptance and stop the blame game eventually. We need to be more open with sharing our stories, because part of what makes it so hard is that nobody talks about it. We all just suffer in silence, blaming ourselves, and being heartbroken and empty. It isn't our fault, though...it just isn't true.
Those of us who have been the victims of abuse in any form: we MUST stop blaming ourselves. It's easy to throw ourselves under the bus with this one, and usually the abuser pushes us to that point. But abuse is ALWAYS the fault of the abuser, PERIOD. Sometimes we blame ourselves by saying that we should have been smarter from the start, to see through what was happening. Sometimes we blame ourselves for not choosing fight or flight...we blame ourselves for freezing up at a moment of terror. Sometimes we blame ourselves for staying trapped for long periods of time, thinking that it must be our fault that we didn't get out. Sometimes we blame ourselves by saying that we somehow deserved it. NONE OF THIS IS TRUE! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! One of my favorite quotes is from Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Sometimes, though, we do end up feeling inferior...we end up letting other people tear us down and chip away at us...and it takes a long time to heal that. We have to remind ourselves of our strength, of our beauty, of who we really are and that what happened was not because of that, but because someone else chose to treat us horribly for no reason other than they made that choice. We have to stop blaming ourselves for this! This is especially hard given how the media makes these things look, and how, again, this is a widely hushed topic. Awareness is the start of progress, though. And it all starts with remembering that this just isn't your fault as a victim. EVER.
To those of us who are parents: we MUST stop blaming ourselves. Sometimes, our children need to fall so that they can learn how to get back up...that doesn't mean that they fell because we are terrible! Sometimes our children are irresponsible, sometimes they make a wrong choice, sometimes they don't listen to us...none of that is our fault! We need to work to let go and let our children LEARN and GROW without us constantly worrying what we've done now to ruin them. In fact, if you are a parent who has constant fear, guilt, or blame then you are probably doing an AMAZING JOB as a parent and you should take a chill pill so the rest of us don't look like such huge failures. Haha, right? And, hey, guess what? Sometimes it's okay to take a half hour to yourself, a weekend with your spouse while leaving the kids with grandma, or having a night out with friends. Taking care of yourself doesn't mean you are neglecting your kids! Stop blaming yourself! Let go of the guilt! Encourage all your parent friends to do the same!
To those of us who get rejected, be it for a job, a promotion, a loan, a romantic endeavor, etc: we MUST stop blaming ourselves! Rejection happens every single day and happens to everyone at some point or another. Rejection isn't a sign that you are a terrible, flawed, unworthy person...it just means that something else is coming up somewhere else. For those who are self critical (like me), this is one of the hardest areas of blame for me: I ALWAYS take rejection to heart and ALWAYS find at least a dozen ways to blame myself....but I need to stop! I need to look at myself in a more positive way; I need to look at all the times I received acceptance instead of rejection and remember that there are always silver linings. Sometimes it just isn't in the cards, sometimes it just wouldn't work out no matter how much we think we want it to, sometimes we need to realize that it just isn't a good fit. Just like shopping for shoes or clothing: not all size 9 shoes fit the same. We know this. So why not remind ourselves of this the next time we get a big fat "NO" for something we try to land?
Mostly I just wrote all of this for myself because this is something that I MUST work harder to stop doing in order to start loving myself a little more. If I am constantly blaming myself, then I'm also going to constantly be focused on the negative about myself. Negative self worth and negative self talk translate into negative emotions and negative outlooks for everything. It's a work in progress?
Our society seems to be obsessed with assigning blame; everyone wants to point fingers when things go wrong. I'm sure you've noticed it somewhere: in your workplace, on TV, in your home, with our President...everyone is always looking for a scapegoat. There must be a reason, some sort of rationale, for when bad things happen, right? For many of us, it is impossible to accept that bad things happen for no reason. For those of us who are Believers in God or any sort of otherworldly force, we just can't accept that bad things happen without a source to blame.
For some of us, though, that source to blame often becomes ourselves. It becomes second nature to just take everything bad and throw it onto our own shoulders. Is it always rational, though? Is it justified? Usually not, but we accept it anyway. Sometimes it almost becomes an addiction...it becomes unhealthy...it becomes a disease that leads to self loathing and a whole lot of negative emotions. I think, though, as a society, we've come to allow this self-blame to be something that is widely accepted and happens far too often in certain scenarios or with certain types of people.
Those of us who have suffered a miscarriage or infant loss: we MUST stop blaming ourselves. I think we can all say with absolute certainty that we would have sacrificed it all for those babies...but it wasn't ever really in our hands. We have to be willing to accept that to have closure and move on with life. We have to let go of that guilt in order to heal...because that guilt is an incredibly heavy load that is weighing us down entirely too much to rise above. It's sometimes hard to accept the outcome, hard to accept the body we have been given and the betrayals it makes on our desires, hard to accept that a loving God would torture our heart in such a way if there wasn't a reason...but that reason is not inside of ourselves. It is hard to accept (and I'm not there yet, trust me), but I hope that we can all come to a place of acceptance and stop the blame game eventually. We need to be more open with sharing our stories, because part of what makes it so hard is that nobody talks about it. We all just suffer in silence, blaming ourselves, and being heartbroken and empty. It isn't our fault, though...it just isn't true.
Those of us who have been the victims of abuse in any form: we MUST stop blaming ourselves. It's easy to throw ourselves under the bus with this one, and usually the abuser pushes us to that point. But abuse is ALWAYS the fault of the abuser, PERIOD. Sometimes we blame ourselves by saying that we should have been smarter from the start, to see through what was happening. Sometimes we blame ourselves for not choosing fight or flight...we blame ourselves for freezing up at a moment of terror. Sometimes we blame ourselves for staying trapped for long periods of time, thinking that it must be our fault that we didn't get out. Sometimes we blame ourselves by saying that we somehow deserved it. NONE OF THIS IS TRUE! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! One of my favorite quotes is from Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Sometimes, though, we do end up feeling inferior...we end up letting other people tear us down and chip away at us...and it takes a long time to heal that. We have to remind ourselves of our strength, of our beauty, of who we really are and that what happened was not because of that, but because someone else chose to treat us horribly for no reason other than they made that choice. We have to stop blaming ourselves for this! This is especially hard given how the media makes these things look, and how, again, this is a widely hushed topic. Awareness is the start of progress, though. And it all starts with remembering that this just isn't your fault as a victim. EVER.
To those of us who are parents: we MUST stop blaming ourselves. Sometimes, our children need to fall so that they can learn how to get back up...that doesn't mean that they fell because we are terrible! Sometimes our children are irresponsible, sometimes they make a wrong choice, sometimes they don't listen to us...none of that is our fault! We need to work to let go and let our children LEARN and GROW without us constantly worrying what we've done now to ruin them. In fact, if you are a parent who has constant fear, guilt, or blame then you are probably doing an AMAZING JOB as a parent and you should take a chill pill so the rest of us don't look like such huge failures. Haha, right? And, hey, guess what? Sometimes it's okay to take a half hour to yourself, a weekend with your spouse while leaving the kids with grandma, or having a night out with friends. Taking care of yourself doesn't mean you are neglecting your kids! Stop blaming yourself! Let go of the guilt! Encourage all your parent friends to do the same!
To those of us who get rejected, be it for a job, a promotion, a loan, a romantic endeavor, etc: we MUST stop blaming ourselves! Rejection happens every single day and happens to everyone at some point or another. Rejection isn't a sign that you are a terrible, flawed, unworthy person...it just means that something else is coming up somewhere else. For those who are self critical (like me), this is one of the hardest areas of blame for me: I ALWAYS take rejection to heart and ALWAYS find at least a dozen ways to blame myself....but I need to stop! I need to look at myself in a more positive way; I need to look at all the times I received acceptance instead of rejection and remember that there are always silver linings. Sometimes it just isn't in the cards, sometimes it just wouldn't work out no matter how much we think we want it to, sometimes we need to realize that it just isn't a good fit. Just like shopping for shoes or clothing: not all size 9 shoes fit the same. We know this. So why not remind ourselves of this the next time we get a big fat "NO" for something we try to land?
Mostly I just wrote all of this for myself because this is something that I MUST work harder to stop doing in order to start loving myself a little more. If I am constantly blaming myself, then I'm also going to constantly be focused on the negative about myself. Negative self worth and negative self talk translate into negative emotions and negative outlooks for everything. It's a work in progress?
Monday, August 7, 2017
Not All The Time, And Not Every Time
"You don't have to be perfect! Don't try, because it's just not going to happen."
Perfectionism is a major struggle for me. It's been something I have struggled with in my life as long as I can remember, all the way back to elementary school when I would try to work my tail off to try to get better scores than Kyle in math. I pushed myself to be perfect all through school, I would spend hours practicing my flute, I would even rewrite my notes for biology in high school so that they could all be color coated and neatly written in the same format. It's continued throughout my adult life. There's always little voices in my head, pushing me to give more and strive for the best while also screaming at me about what a failure I am and pointing out all of my shortcomings and faults. But, as I drove home Friday afternoon, I thought about what one of my dear friends said to me this afternoon: nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes and we grow. When someone you think the world of and highly respect says something like that to you, you should stop and listen.But what does that look like to not strive for perfection? How do we reach a point where we can let go and accept less than perfect? I probably spend more time thinking about the perfect way to accomplish the task and beating myself up after the fact because it wasn't perfect than I do ACTUALLY DOING IT. I dwell on things for hours, days, sometimes weeks. Is it really as simple as just making the decision that you aren't going to do that anymore? Is it like releasing a balloon into the sky? Or will it take lots of time and effort, like cleaning out a storage closet that someone has filled with junk for 20+ years?
"You have to be a model for your girls!"
I am a terrible model for my children...I'm a terrible mother. I've spent nights crying over this. These girls are beautiful, intelligent, hilarious, creative, loving...and I'm going to ruin them before they become adults. I don't want that, though. I want to inspire them to live their dreams and reach for the stars if they want. I want to encourage them, love them, comfort them, provide for them. I want them to see that they don't have to be perfect. I want them to see it is okay to cry. I want them to love and be loved. I don't want them to have to walk through the fire and get burned, I don't want them to ever hurt. But how can I do these things when I am so toxic?
I kept thinking about all of this throughout the day Saturday. I tried SO hard to let go and just BE. I talked to my girls. We had a dance party in the middle of the living room with music that I let them choose. The 4 of us went to a playground and I watched them laugh, encouraged them to face their fears, and even went down a few slides with them myself and tickled them at the bottom. We played with dolls, I held them when they asked, I read books to them. I watched them make beautiful drawings and then asked them to tell me about them so I could see through their eyes. I gave them kisses and told them I loved them. But was that enough? Will that ever be enough? And, through it all, I struggled. I kept hearing those voices in my head pointing out all the times I'd messed up throughout the day, all the ways I could have made the day even better, all the ways I was less than perfect.
"Stop with the negative self talk!"
Struggling with being a perfectionist is one thing: it's hard to be perfect. I add to that, though, by setting myself up for defeat before I even begin by constantly putting myself down. I think sometimes people don't realize because I do seem to give a vibe of confidence and carelessness for what people think. Deep down, though, I care...a WHOLE LOT. So, I constantly think and worry. I look in the mirror and I never like what I see, physically and otherwise.
Casey and I talked about this in the car on Sunday as we drove to Wal-Mart to get things for my classroom projects, trying to figure out when this voice of negativity and self doubt really started. It's been for as long as I can remember. I've always thought of myself as unattractive ("ugly"), unintelligent ("dumb," "stupid"), non-conforming ("nerd," "dork," "loser"), and just generally not worthy of time or attention.
This has to end, though. I have to accept myself and be okay with who and what I am. But how does one go about this? How do you love yourself? How do you have peace with your flaws and shortcomings? How does accepting yourself and seeing what others see really happen?
Casey and I talked about this in the car on Sunday as we drove to Wal-Mart to get things for my classroom projects, trying to figure out when this voice of negativity and self doubt really started. It's been for as long as I can remember. I've always thought of myself as unattractive ("ugly"), unintelligent ("dumb," "stupid"), non-conforming ("nerd," "dork," "loser"), and just generally not worthy of time or attention.
This has to end, though. I have to accept myself and be okay with who and what I am. But how does one go about this? How do you love yourself? How do you have peace with your flaws and shortcomings? How does accepting yourself and seeing what others see really happen?
"Not all the time, and not every time."
Although this phrase has been stolen from sources and was actually used regarding something at an PD event I went to over the summer, it's been ringing in my head a lot over the weekend as I process and digest my life and the events that recently took place.
I think that as I work through all of my personal struggles, as I work on who I really am, this phase needs to be almost a daily chant just as much as my daily prayer that God help me let go and follow His purpose. There's so much in these words!
"But I have to be perfect!"
Not all the time, not every time.
"But I need to do more!"
Not all the time, not every time.
"But I need to be a better mother!"
Not all the time, not every time.
"But I'm ugly and a terrible person!"
Not all the time, not every time.
"I'm a failure!"
Not all the time, not every time.
"I am a terrible friend!"
Not all the time, not every time.
So, my friends, just bear with me! Together we will make it to higher ground and sunny weather. Maybe not all the time, maybe not every time...but there will be a time...and I'd like to think the journey and the company are worth it all.
I think that as I work through all of my personal struggles, as I work on who I really am, this phase needs to be almost a daily chant just as much as my daily prayer that God help me let go and follow His purpose. There's so much in these words!
"But I have to be perfect!"
Not all the time, not every time.
"But I need to do more!"
Not all the time, not every time.
"But I need to be a better mother!"
Not all the time, not every time.
"But I'm ugly and a terrible person!"
Not all the time, not every time.
"I'm a failure!"
Not all the time, not every time.
"I am a terrible friend!"
Not all the time, not every time.
So, my friends, just bear with me! Together we will make it to higher ground and sunny weather. Maybe not all the time, maybe not every time...but there will be a time...and I'd like to think the journey and the company are worth it all.
Thursday, August 3, 2017
A Letter to Those Most Dear to My Heart
Dear Friends,
If you are reading this, then it means either one of two things: 1) I sent this to you directly or 2) You just know how to access my full blog and aren't just reading the posts I share on Facebook. If #2 is you, please stop here. If I did send you this link directly via text, please keep reading.
Some of you I can remember the exact moment we became friends, some I can just tell you a general story or timeline. Regardless, if you are reading this, you are a rare breed and it means I trust you with my heart and with knowing very inner details. If you are reading this, then I've been relying on you very heavily over the last several months. You've probably seen me struggle, maybe seen me cry. You've probably gotten at least a few hugs, some crazy text messages, and at least one or two thank you cards. Sadly some of you have endured a little more of the hardship than others, but you've all shared a common thing: you've been here for me during some dark days. For that, I thank all 5 of you (or 6 if I decided to send this to Casey).
I have had a hard time really using my words lately, though. Some of you have tried to get me to talk and nothing comes out, some have asked me things and I've told you partial truths in an attempt to protect your heart from more hurt, some of you have seen me completely try to cover up the pain by being overly happy and crazy. But you all know I'm struggling. In your heart, you are worried. I am too.
Friends, there are nights where I sit up and think that the pains in my heart are too much to continue to bear. There are days I wake up and think about what it might be like to never see the end of the day. There are bridges that I've considered would be good for jumping...pills I've thought might do the job if I take enough...box cutter I've tried to steal. Friends, I don't even know why these things cross my mind! I can go days without these thoughts at all, but I can also have days like today (technically yesterday) where it literally consumes my brain to the point where I can't even remember half the other events of the day.
I do not want to share this with you as a means of scaring you (although trust me I am terrified you will all want to just walk away from this heavy load and it makes my heart hurt more to put this stress on your shoulders). I am sharing this because I love all of you and I need your help. I don't trust myself at this point, friends. The fact that Jennifer & Bridgett spent almost an hour of their afternoon trying to get me to hand them a box cutter and ask me multiple times if I would be safe going home is a problem. I have a problem. I am not making sane, rational decisions.
But there's no reason one or two or even there of you should bear this load alone. So, I am giving you all permission to communicate with each other, even though you don't even all know each other. I am happy to help facilitate this if you need since you don't even all know each other's last names. You don't have to do this, but I am giving you all the option to do so if you want without me getting mad if I find out. Some of you see me more frequently than others. One of you lives hours away. One of you sleeps in the same bed with me (I decided this is how to tell you because I couldn't handle it earlier...sorry, Casey!). Again, I'm not saying that you have to watch my every move 24-7, but I am telling you that you need to take all of your training into consideration and that I will admit I am depressed and struggling at moments with thoughts of suicide.
How can I think about ending my life? Why would I do such a terrible thing? Trust me when I say, I am not rational when these thoughts come. I love all of you, I love Casey, I love the girls with all my heart and soul, I love my students, I love the other few friends that I am not sharing this with (let's be honest, this just isn't something Elissa would handle well and the few other friends people don't even know lots of details of anything). Please don't mistake any of this for me not giving consideration to all of those people listed! Please don't for a minute think that I want to hurt any of you! I don't! These thoughts just come and go, they almost sort of poison my brain to a point where I'm not thinking about all these beautiful people in my beautiful life, I'm only thinking the self absorbed things. I feel worthless a lot. I feel insignificant. I feel like our relationships are all one sided with you always having to listen to me, save the day for me, plan a girls night because I asked us to do it, pick up the slack for me because I didn't do what I should. I feel overwhelmed with a sadness that I don't even understand. I have a heavy heart that sometimes makes my chest fill with a deep pain and weight that fills my throat with things so that I can't even speak.
So what happens now? That's what you all have been reading to hear, anxiously hanging on these words to know what I'm going to say or do next. Well, I'm taking my antidepressant everyday. My follow up appointment is on September 12 because my doctor said it could take that long for the medicine to have a full enough effect to know if it's helping or if we need a higher dose. I'm keeping a daily journal (where I'm listing "biggest stressers," "biggest happy moments," "things that influenced my mood/emotions," and any other relevant notes for the day) in hopes of eventually trying to find some patterns. I think Bridgett is right and I need to ACTUALLY find a therapist, not just keep vaguely telling all of you that I'm considering it...so one of you give me a reasonable deadline for that and hold me to it. You've probably read my post (if not, go back two posts...the post before this is just a poem that, uh...) about things I'm doing at work to work on stress. I'm telling all of you all of this as my way of asking for help and hoping that you are willing to help me.
Again, I can't express how very sorry I am that you all are getting thrown into this chaos in my head. I hope that you will all remember the things that first made you want to be my friend and hold onto those...because I want to get those things back so you can enjoy them again! I want to be fun! I want to make you all laugh! I want to be loud and not care who sees me act a fool! I want us to play games and have fun! I want us to go on roadtrips! I want us to hug, talk, walk the track, go shopping...all the things! So please keep loving me! My heart aches knowing what I'm doing to you all right now. I am so deeply sorry and wish there was another way or that I could just take all the pain and put it on my shoulders so none of you had to feel any!
But right now I need to ask you to be vigilant. I need you to make me tell you how I'm REALLY feeling. I need you to not be afraid to look me in the eye and tell me to stop. I need you to fight to bring me back to reality. I need you to hug me, to hold me, to love me. I need you to take any means necessary to keep me alive. I know I'm asking a lot in all of this, but you all keep telling me how worth it I am...so I know you'll help. Again, though, this is a big load and none of you need to do it alone! I'm telling all of you so that you have the same support network that I do every single day! It's a beautiful network of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life! You are all too amazing, too beautiful, too lovely for words. I've started praying, and I often thank God for putting each of you into my life.
Okay...maybe I can get a couple more hours of sleep...
All the love, my friends!
--Megan
If you are reading this, then it means either one of two things: 1) I sent this to you directly or 2) You just know how to access my full blog and aren't just reading the posts I share on Facebook. If #2 is you, please stop here. If I did send you this link directly via text, please keep reading.
Some of you I can remember the exact moment we became friends, some I can just tell you a general story or timeline. Regardless, if you are reading this, you are a rare breed and it means I trust you with my heart and with knowing very inner details. If you are reading this, then I've been relying on you very heavily over the last several months. You've probably seen me struggle, maybe seen me cry. You've probably gotten at least a few hugs, some crazy text messages, and at least one or two thank you cards. Sadly some of you have endured a little more of the hardship than others, but you've all shared a common thing: you've been here for me during some dark days. For that, I thank all 5 of you (or 6 if I decided to send this to Casey).
I have had a hard time really using my words lately, though. Some of you have tried to get me to talk and nothing comes out, some have asked me things and I've told you partial truths in an attempt to protect your heart from more hurt, some of you have seen me completely try to cover up the pain by being overly happy and crazy. But you all know I'm struggling. In your heart, you are worried. I am too.
Friends, there are nights where I sit up and think that the pains in my heart are too much to continue to bear. There are days I wake up and think about what it might be like to never see the end of the day. There are bridges that I've considered would be good for jumping...pills I've thought might do the job if I take enough...box cutter I've tried to steal. Friends, I don't even know why these things cross my mind! I can go days without these thoughts at all, but I can also have days like today (technically yesterday) where it literally consumes my brain to the point where I can't even remember half the other events of the day.
I do not want to share this with you as a means of scaring you (although trust me I am terrified you will all want to just walk away from this heavy load and it makes my heart hurt more to put this stress on your shoulders). I am sharing this because I love all of you and I need your help. I don't trust myself at this point, friends. The fact that Jennifer & Bridgett spent almost an hour of their afternoon trying to get me to hand them a box cutter and ask me multiple times if I would be safe going home is a problem. I have a problem. I am not making sane, rational decisions.
But there's no reason one or two or even there of you should bear this load alone. So, I am giving you all permission to communicate with each other, even though you don't even all know each other. I am happy to help facilitate this if you need since you don't even all know each other's last names. You don't have to do this, but I am giving you all the option to do so if you want without me getting mad if I find out. Some of you see me more frequently than others. One of you lives hours away. One of you sleeps in the same bed with me (I decided this is how to tell you because I couldn't handle it earlier...sorry, Casey!). Again, I'm not saying that you have to watch my every move 24-7, but I am telling you that you need to take all of your training into consideration and that I will admit I am depressed and struggling at moments with thoughts of suicide.
How can I think about ending my life? Why would I do such a terrible thing? Trust me when I say, I am not rational when these thoughts come. I love all of you, I love Casey, I love the girls with all my heart and soul, I love my students, I love the other few friends that I am not sharing this with (let's be honest, this just isn't something Elissa would handle well and the few other friends people don't even know lots of details of anything). Please don't mistake any of this for me not giving consideration to all of those people listed! Please don't for a minute think that I want to hurt any of you! I don't! These thoughts just come and go, they almost sort of poison my brain to a point where I'm not thinking about all these beautiful people in my beautiful life, I'm only thinking the self absorbed things. I feel worthless a lot. I feel insignificant. I feel like our relationships are all one sided with you always having to listen to me, save the day for me, plan a girls night because I asked us to do it, pick up the slack for me because I didn't do what I should. I feel overwhelmed with a sadness that I don't even understand. I have a heavy heart that sometimes makes my chest fill with a deep pain and weight that fills my throat with things so that I can't even speak.
So what happens now? That's what you all have been reading to hear, anxiously hanging on these words to know what I'm going to say or do next. Well, I'm taking my antidepressant everyday. My follow up appointment is on September 12 because my doctor said it could take that long for the medicine to have a full enough effect to know if it's helping or if we need a higher dose. I'm keeping a daily journal (where I'm listing "biggest stressers," "biggest happy moments," "things that influenced my mood/emotions," and any other relevant notes for the day) in hopes of eventually trying to find some patterns. I think Bridgett is right and I need to ACTUALLY find a therapist, not just keep vaguely telling all of you that I'm considering it...so one of you give me a reasonable deadline for that and hold me to it. You've probably read my post (if not, go back two posts...the post before this is just a poem that, uh...) about things I'm doing at work to work on stress. I'm telling all of you all of this as my way of asking for help and hoping that you are willing to help me.
Again, I can't express how very sorry I am that you all are getting thrown into this chaos in my head. I hope that you will all remember the things that first made you want to be my friend and hold onto those...because I want to get those things back so you can enjoy them again! I want to be fun! I want to make you all laugh! I want to be loud and not care who sees me act a fool! I want us to play games and have fun! I want us to go on roadtrips! I want us to hug, talk, walk the track, go shopping...all the things! So please keep loving me! My heart aches knowing what I'm doing to you all right now. I am so deeply sorry and wish there was another way or that I could just take all the pain and put it on my shoulders so none of you had to feel any!
But right now I need to ask you to be vigilant. I need you to make me tell you how I'm REALLY feeling. I need you to not be afraid to look me in the eye and tell me to stop. I need you to fight to bring me back to reality. I need you to hug me, to hold me, to love me. I need you to take any means necessary to keep me alive. I know I'm asking a lot in all of this, but you all keep telling me how worth it I am...so I know you'll help. Again, though, this is a big load and none of you need to do it alone! I'm telling all of you so that you have the same support network that I do every single day! It's a beautiful network of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life! You are all too amazing, too beautiful, too lovely for words. I've started praying, and I often thank God for putting each of you into my life.
Okay...maybe I can get a couple more hours of sleep...
All the love, my friends!
--Megan
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Today: A Poem
Today I tried to cut my arms,
Just to see if I can feel.
Today I danced with recklessness,
Just to see if I would fall.
Today I thought to sell my soul,
Just to see if I had worth.
Today I wanted to kill myself,
But instead I gave in and gave the blade to you.
Just to see if I can feel.
Today I danced with recklessness,
Just to see if I would fall.
Today I thought to sell my soul,
Just to see if I had worth.
Today I wanted to kill myself,
But instead I gave in and gave the blade to you.
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
Keep Calm & Carry On (Summer of Self Discovery, Part 9)
Megan's Summer of Self Discovery/Self Awareness, Part 9: Coping
So here's the deal: I've set goals for my summer. I want to in better touch with myself, more aware of myself, and take care of myself. To do this, I am going to be spending a lot of time thinking and writing my way through lots of self-realizations about all the aspects that make me, well, me: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, relationships, career. What I'm learning is that I am going to need some coping skills for when things get tough, so that's what this post is all about.
The posts sometimes run together in my mind, but I think I remember mentioning in a previous post about going to a session at my school district's summer conference about dealing with stress and teacher burnout. I chose that session largely because, to be brutally honest, I was d-o-n-e DONE by May. I was so done, in fact, that I walked out on that last day with messes everywhere (in my room, in my desk, literally anywhere there could be a mess) and I just didn't care because I wanted to leave. I know that all teachers get excited about summer break and I always have in the past as well...but this May was something entirely different and let's just leave it at that because I don't feel like going into all the details with this post.
Anyway, I walked away from the session feeling a little crazy because the presenter jumped around a bit, but I also left with some ideas...ideas on how I am going to make this year better for me and therefore better for my students. Some of the ideas are daily things I am going to do or be mindful of throughout the day, some of them are more physical things I did already and now have to reference, some are just mindset things. I'm going to share the list (and a couple pictures) just in case it might help someone else who is dealing with similar feelings.
Megan's Ways to Make 2017-2018 School Year Better for Mental Health:
- "Happy Wall": So, one of the suggested things in the session was to have pictures of things or people that make you happy in your room so that you can look at them when you start to feel sad or stressed. Well, I went big and made a wall near my teacher desk with all things "happy": there's artwork and photos of nature, there's pictures of my favorite people, and there's inspirational quotes. I will probably add to the wall some more as the year goes on, but I'm happy with the start! I also went a step further and added some space near my computer (completely different area) to hang a few more pictures and lots of fun student made cards and artwork.
"Happy Wall" 
"Artwork Display" - Walking Daily: A dear and wonderful friend and I have agreed that we are going to walk every afternoon. Exercise is good for the body & mind, and friendship is so very good for my soul. This friend and I are going to push each other and work together to both stay sane...and this is a GREAT thing for us both!
- Meditation & Breathing Exercises: The presenter had a great breathing activity he suggested for when you start to get stressed or angry, which is pretty much every few minutes for me! Someone in a band directors forum I'm in also suggested meditation. So, I'm going to have a morning and afternoon meditation time as well as remember the breathing activity for the in between. I think having things in place that force me to turn off my mind for a few minutes and just relax will really help. I get VERY caught up inside the trap of my brain!
- "Zen Frog": I have another dear and wonderful friend who we've started jokingly referring to as my "zen frog." While that may be silly, this friend seriously is always the person I go to when I need to feel calm. She can listen, she can talk me through things, she can console like no other. Bonus is that her classroom is in one of the most hidden places in the building! (Seriously, I cried in the floor in the hallway near her door for nearly 15 minutes the morning the miscarriage bleeding started and nobody found me until she & my other friend opened her door when they got to school. So, when the breathing and meditation don't work, I can always go see my "zen frog."
- Daily Journal: Something else I've started (because my friends seriously suggest the best things) is keeping some daily notes and tallies of things in a journal. I'm hoping this not only helps me learn how to just release the day when it's over, but I'm also hoping to start to see if I can find any patterns or connections that will help me understand my brain and behaviors a little better...again, details that we will just leave at that.
Then, of course, there's this blog and a few other, more serious/personal things, but you get the idea. My goals and hopes with this school year are "Be More Organized" and "Keep Calm." Hopefully, with these things in place, I can figure out a better life balance and keep my head on so that I can be successful. If you have any other ideas, suggestions, or complaints, please share!
"Journal"
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