Light Before We Land

"The Light Before We Land"

By The Delgados

This song has been coming to my mind a lot lately. I'm not really sure why...or maybe I am. There are moments lately, more moments than I'd like to admit, where I feel exactly what I perceive this song to express: life has lost beauty, excitement, passion, meaning. But where else would I be?

"When things that once were beautiful are bland..."

Sometimes it's almost like I'm in a constant fall. Not like I've jumped out of an airplane, but like I lost my footing at the top of the mountain and just keep slowly rolling down. Sometimes I'll catch a ledge, hang on as long as I can, then continue to fall. I realize that we all have our days, but I don't feel like that's what it is. It is more that I just lack the ability to truly feel happy about ANYTHING. I'm just going through the motions, hoping nobody sees.

"If we can hold on, we can fix what is wrong...buy a little time for this head of mine..."

It's funny, for someone who prides herself on being genuine and honest to a fault, that I'm secretly trying to fool them all...and myself. It's not that I don't care, because I do: I care about my family, my friends, my girls, my husband. I just don't care about myself. I am careless, reckless, impartial to what happens to me. I think that's probably the most dangerous kind of apathy one can have, not caring if you wake up each morning or if you even get dressed.

"And when I feel like I can feel once again, let me stay awhile, soak it in a while..."

There are moments where I enjoy that moment. I wish I could freeze them. Just stay in that moment where my mind doesn't wander to the darkness; just feel the sunshine breaking through the clouds a moment longer.

...Because, in all reality, I'm scared of the dark.

...I'm scared of myself.

Fertile Myrtle (Summer of Self Discovery, Part 6)

Megan's Summer of Self Discovery/Self Awareness, Part 6: Fertility Awareness

So here's the deal: I've set goals for my summer. I want to in better touch with myself, more aware of myself, and take care of myself. To do this, I am going to be spending a lot of time thinking and writing my way through lots of self-realizations about all the aspects that make me, well, me: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, relationships, career. Tonight I'm going to talk about part of my physical self awareness regarding menstruation and cycle charting.

Obviously the biggest question I had after the miscarriage was a seemingly simple one: WHY? The doctors had no specific answer. The internet had no good answers. My most trusted friends tried to comfort me with "these things happen to lots of people." But I continued to think, ask, ponder: WHY?

Without going into too much detail, let's look at my history. Both of my previous pregnancies were healthy with almost zero complications. Both of my previous pregnancies were "one shot kills" with no ovulation tests, medical assistance, or any real effort of any sort. Both of my previous pregnancies were discovered on a similar timeline with no major changes to anything early in the pregnancy. Based on two prior events, there seems to be no logic, so again: WHY?

The answer will probably never really come (though I keep asking, searching, hoping). However, a good friend of mine who loves books (see "My Brain After 'Redeeming Love'" for another post related to books she's suggested I read) mentioned charting and fertility awareness to me and recommended I get a copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility." Another amazing friend (one of my absolute best) also charts and has been very supportive and positive about my newest endeavor.

In a nutshell (though I really suggest you get a copy of TCOYF yourself and be empowered), the Fertility Awareness Method, FAM, has you notate, or chart, three key signs your body gives you during each menstrual cycle: basal body temperature (BBT), cervical fluid/mucus (CF/CM), and cervical position. By charting these consistently, you'll be able to know approximately when you are ovulating, know when you are or are not most fertile, have a better understanding of your body and your natural rhythm, and can even use it to decide when is best to have sex to either attempt to or attempt to avoid getting pregnant. I find it all very fascinating! Science is amazing, the human body is astounding, and the combination is WOW! Also, for someone who is pretty lacking in being in tune with ones own body, this is a good way to build that connection and understanding.

This last cycle is the first one that I've charted both BBT & CF, along with some other notes of my own and intercourse. As predicted, my cycle is right around 30-32 days (even my husband knows this...yeah...) but what I really found interesting was how early in the cycle I actually ovulated, the fact that I had a long luteal phase, and that I actually had triphasic temps (this means I had another temperature spike towards the middle of my luteal phase). Here's my chart using the Kindara app:

Of course, with great responsibility comes...over-analysis and occasional anxiety! I won't go into details about that, but I'm hoping it's just first time jitters and I'll get the hang of this within a few months. I'm also anxious to see if my temps go back down fairly quickly since this morning's temp was still 98.43 but I started my period later in the day today. I'm also curious to see if there's any connections between things like my acne, headaches, etc and various parts of my cycle. See, science is neat!

At the end of the day, my main goal with this is to hopefully gain a better understanding of my body and how it works. Side benefit is that I feel like I can be an equal contributor to safe sex/contraception for us, not just relying on my husband to "put on a rubber" every time (because I don't want to go on the pill...long story...). Also side benefit, if we decide to ever try again for #3 pregnancy, I'll be better informed on how to make that happen and have more information if things go wrong. 

How I'd wish I'd known about all this years ago, but alas, hindsight is 20/20 and as I started this post out, it wasn't really even a consideration I had. You don't know how the other side is until you've been there...and man was I blindsided with a rough ride.

There's still a lot of weird emotions about that, though. Because, even though the end result was not months of weight gain and hours of pushing, the start was still just one drunken night of sex...it just so happened that New Year's Eve/Day was apparently a fertile time for me? So I feel like a fraud in some ways in comparison to those whose struggle with infertility and loss is constant. There's also guilt for the devistation I felt feel over the loss of Rosilyn the miscarriage: I have two beautiful, healthy, sassy girls already...shouldn't I just be thankful for that? I'd only known I was pregnant for a couple weeks before the blood started...was it really that big of a deal?

Yes. It was. It always will be. To me.

But it won't be in vein nor will it be forgotten. And look at all the interesting things that are happening as a result...I'm learning about myself: my body, my mind, my soul. One day, one step, one temp at a time.

The Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself (Summer of Self Discovery, Part 5)

Megan's Summer of Self Discovery/Self Awareness, Part 5: Fear & Anxiety

So here's the deal: I've set goals for my summer. I want to in better touch with myself, more aware of myself, and take care of myself. To do this, I am going to be spending a lot of time thinking and writing my way through lots of self-realizations about all the aspects that make me, well, me: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, relationships, career. Today we're going to start on mental health with a big one for me: fear/anxiety.

Today seems to be the day of random articles making their way to me that both related to the topics of fear or anxiety. This has been a new area of my life for me to really start digging deep and dealing with and one I've been considering devoting a blog post hashing out, so I think today was my sign. The first article (that my husband shared with me) discussed that anxiety can manifest itself as anger, which you can read here: https://themighty.com/2017/06/anxiety-presents-as-anger/

Although I've recently been told by multiple people that I outwardly present myself as a generally happy and upbeat person, I feel that I carry a lot of aggression around on a daily basis. Sometimes I will feel angry and not even know or understand why. Well, behold: it's probably tied to anxiety! I have TONS of anxiety about pretty much anything and everything, rational or not. Work, motherhood, relationships, even trying to cook dinner...I don't want to mess up. I have to be perfect! Always!

Perfectionism is something I've struggled with since childhood. I enjoy recognition (who doesn't?). I enjoy words of affirmation. I enjoy feeling successful. I enjoy being challenged and exceeding expectations or deadlines. I pushed myself as a musician in middle school & high school to beat older students in chair placements, make regional honor bands, receive recognition for my flute skills. I pushed myself academically to make all A's. I took on challenges in other clubs and groups I was a part. I tried to be a major contributing member to our Academic Team (Quiz Bowl). As an adult, I try to do similar with the aspects of my life.

Often times, this leads to disaster, though. I have days where I end up hiding in a closet or bathroom trying not to scream the profanities I'm thinking in my head (mostly at myself). I have nights where I cry because I made my family PB&J for dinner and skipped baths again. I yell. I stomp. I throw things (never at someone). Sometimes I just can't keep it all down anymore.

So, now that I've recognized that this is the issue, how do I deal with it? For starters I think I need to get better at accepting less than perfect from myself at least sometimes. I think I need to let go of that fear that people will judge me or think less of me. I think I need to realize that my family actually really likes PB&J and won't even care that we had it for dinner twice this month. After that, I think the next key is finding management tools to not let it overflow to explosion levels. A sweet friend of mine gave me a method of dealing with anxiety a month or so ago, and everytime I've used it, is seriously helps (if you need it too, look here: http://www.therapistsb.com/blog/post/5-4-3-2-1-coping-technique). I also think I need to get better at accepting the fact that sometimes we all need a little help and that's okay! It's okay to ask your husband to make dinner, it's okay to text a friend at 8pm just because you need to hash out your feelings, it's okay to take a sick day to just sit at home and watch Netflix in your pajamas.

And that's the real key words: IT'S OKAY!

The other "article" (it is more of a blog post type thing) I happened to just stumble across while being a Facebook creeper. It is more about prayer and fear/anxiety, but it really resonated with me for some reason: http://www.beliefnet.com/faiths/2006/06/first-unclench-your-fists.aspx?p=2

I think it resonated with me because it talks about letting go, which I really, really, REALLY struggle to do. We can't open our hearts and minds to anything if we can't let go. That's been a lot of what I've been trying to hash out since all of this recent crazy started...how do I let go of all the anger, anxiety, sadness, pain and move on with my life?

I know people tend to say things like, "Let go and let God," but that's hard for someone who has stepped away from religion for over a decade to do. It's not just God though, it's hard to let go of your burdens to anyone. Even your best friends. Even professionals that you are paying to just listen to you. It's hard to give up your baggage. It makes you feel so...so...naked. So vulnerable. So raw. Easier to judge. Easier to have stones thrown at you. Easier to feel the burn.

But to move on, to find happiness, to climb the ladder a little higher, that's what we've got to do. We have to hand over that coin. We have to stop clenching our fists. We have to turn to the person next to us and say, "Would you mind giving me a hand with all of this luggage? It's rather heavy." 

So...will you help me carry my baggage? Will you tell me to breathe? Will you remind me to let go? Will you be there when I just need a hand?  ...because it's gonna take a village with all this kinds of crazy. HA! But together, I think we can make it out and closer to the light before we land.

Friendship Is Magic (Summer of Self Discovery, Part 4)

Megan's Summer of Self Discovery/Self Awareness, Part 4: Friendships

So here's the deal: I've set goals for my summer. I want to in better touch with myself, more aware of myself, and take care of myself. To do this, I am going to be spending a lot of time thinking and writing my way through lots of self-realizations about all the aspects that make me, well, me: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, relationships, career. After a fun evening with a group of groovy gals last night and an upcoming 3 day weekend with some of our besties in Louisville, I think it's time we talk friendships.

Let's face it: I'm a bit of an oddity. I can be an acquired taste at times. So it shouldn't be a surprise that friendship always seemed to be a bit of a struggle for me for various and assorted reasons. I love to read and am fascinated by gaining new knowledge. I am a self-proclaimed "band nerd" and have a knack for remembering song lyrics and jingles. I'm a minimalist when it comes to appearance and never really figured out the whole makeup & hair thing. I love board games. I enjoy sci-fi and fantasy everything. I made good grades in school and was always well behaved. I actually really enjoy writing in all forms. 

Anyway, most (we will get to exceptions to the rule later) of my childhood friends had one of two forms: 1) one year friendships for convenience, like "we are in the same homeroom, so we are friends" or "we have math together and we're both bored, so let's pass notes in math and hang out at lunch!" OR 2) fake friendships as a ploy to use or abuse me, like "oh, you are so great let's be friends...now I need you to help me with my math homework every morning" or "yeah, I had no problem using all that personal info you shared with me at my sleepover to go tell the clique so we can all laugh at you on Tuesday." It also didn't help that we moved to a completely different part of the country and a completely different setting when I was in middle school. I remember spending days alone at recess just talking to myself or absorbed in a book to just try to avoid it all.

What does that translate to in my adulthood? Well, for one, lots of insecurity. That basically translates into having layers of myself: I have an everyday, socially acceptable level of interaction and cheerfulness Megan, then if you are found to be trustworthy enough you pass into the level that I would go eat lunch with you and we can talk about things like my kids or family, dreams, etc, then there's the level of reality and all the things that very few get to deal with. Which, honestly, may not even be that great of a prize since you get all the reality of me.

It basically boils down to me having a very small inner circle of people (besides Casey & other select family members) that I really consider to be tried and true friends. These are the people that I share my parenting struggles, my fears, my sadness, my dark and twisty thoughts, my questions of the universe. These are the people I can text about awkward encounters with general society, people I can ask for advice, people who will just let me cry in their classroom and just rub my back, people who will send me a hilarious internet photo or video just because "I knew you'd get the humor." I've had to rely very heavily on these people over the last 6 months, and although my inner voice of insecurity worried what they were really thinking and telling me I'd just end up alone, these people have all taught me a lot about REAL friendship. And for that, I'm eternally grateful.

I seem to be including a list of some sort at the end of these "Summer of Self Discovery" posts. For this one, I've been torn if I just wanted to list the people out who belong in the inner circle (though honestly, you probably already know who you are and have gotten at least one late night text from me since January), if I wanted to just list the qualities these people have, or list what I've learned or felt about friendship. I think I'm going to just do some thank yous and maybe, just maybe, they will help someone else who may need to know what qualities make a TRUE friend. And hopefully those who have saved my life through this recent darkness will also read and know that some of these are directed to them specifically.

Some Thank Yous:

1) Thank you for always saying "hello" to me with a beautiful smile and giving the absolute best hugs anytime I needed them.

2) Thank you for answering all of my crazy ass random questions and never making fun of me for asking.

3) Thank you for always knowing how to make me laugh.

4)  Thank you for letting me just come yell curse words and bang on your small group table after the bad days.

5) Thank you for motivating me and encouraging me.

6) Thank you for not once questioning my weird anxieties or my warped view of the world.

7) Thank you for being willing to "act a fool" with me anytime.

8) Thank you for talking to me for hours a day for 3 days straight and continuing to check on me at least once a week through everything.

9) Thank you for getting drunk with me and just laughing.

10) Thank you for humoring my weirdness when I'm drunk.

11) Thank you for always knowing just the right thing to say to me, sharing your wisdom  and experience.

12) Thank you for reminding me what I have to live for.

13) Thank you for for letting me pour my heart out to you and not rejecting me.

14) Thank you for always knowing how to calm me down.

15) Thank you for giving me tips and suggestions on how to manage my stress and anxiety better.

16) Thank you for praying for me, even if I didn't specifically ask.

17) Thank you for helping me grow more knowledgeable and making me ponder things.

18) Thank you for mentoring me.

19) Thank you for saving my butt over and over. 

20) Thank you for loving me unconditionally.

All the love, my friends!

My Brain After "Redeeming Love"

I was raised Catholic. I was raised with the outlook that we are all born with original sin, which is removed with baptism. As we continue to sin, however, we must repent, which is done through confession with a priest. I always had a feeling that God was an untouchable of sorts, too great for any little peons. As I grew older, I feared the wrath, the retribution, the punishment for my indiscretions...whether they happened by choice or not. I'm not sure that those thoughts and outlooks were taught in the Catholic Church, but they came to my brain somehow and never really went away.

As I read "Redeeming Love," I could see myself a lot in Angel (Sarah). In a way, I've always felt a bit like a "soiled dove" since my youth. Like Angel, I didn't seek the initial encounter out, but it didn't change the way it impacted me after. I forgave Nathan long ago for the things he did, but why couldn't I forgive myself? "Forgiving others for what they had done to her had come far easier than forgiving herself." #truth

I think the point where I strayed to a point where I felt I could not return was a night where I prayed for the pain to end...I prayed to die. "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." As was the case: I didn't die that night, or any other time I made futile attempts to do so. I continued to be haunted by unspeakable parts of my past, things I could never share because I feared the judgement, the anger, the inability to understand. I struggled to allow new relationships to blossom, I would have flashbacks at the worst of moments to do so. I once remember running and hiding in a bathroom, my boyfriend at the time on the other side of the door trying to understand, offering water or to take me home, but he could never really understand...how could he?

"People can't always be there for you, no matter how much they want to be." But why is that? What do we do with the darkness that consumes us? Who do we call for when we are lost? Who pulls us out of the water when we are drowning? For Angel, no matter how Michael tried, he could not take it all away for her. Even though Miriam wanted to be a listening ear for her, Angel could never share it all. Because, in the end, we're all human. We all have moments where we are a Paul to someone, where we judge the book by its cover, where we simply scan the headline and don't try to get the full story. Or sometimes we can't give up our burdens to those near and dear to our heart for fear of tainting them...hurting them...scaring them.

A lot has changed since I've become an adult, and in many ways I had buried that past...I had left that dirty, shameful, sinful person I was in the dust. I've been blessed with a lot, though I'm not sure why. "Just because you don't believe in the Lord doesn't mean his power isn't working for you." When I read that, I took a minute to stop and truly count my blessings, and are they vast. I'm married to an amazing man and our house is filled with laughter and loudness with our two beautiful, vivacious girls. I have a career that I feel passion for and get fulfillment daily. I have friends whose love is unconditional, whose hearts are always open, whose understanding knows no bounds. And yet, for all of this, one thing stuck in my brain: "I can't get over feeling that I don't deserve this." 

"Every blessing comes down from the Father, not in payment for a good done, but as a gift." All I can say is this must be true, because I've done nothing in my life to deserve anything that I have.

I told myself that somehow the miscarriage was retribution. The pregnancy wasn't planned, but wasn't prevented. The joy, though, that pure, uninhibited joy I felt the day I confirmed (I'd suspected since the day after...sometimes you just know...). I wanted to share the news with all; I wanted to shout from the rooftops (and if you ask a few people, I almost did on some level as I just could't contain the news). That morning I woke up to the blood, though, I told myself: this is what you get, you are foolish for thinking that any of the good in your life is deserved, here's what you get to knock you back down to size. And then the blame set in again and unlocked all those doors I had tried to lock down tight...all the things I already blamed myself for came rushing back and flooding my body with sadness, hurt, anger, pain.

"God doesn't condemn, he forgives." I spent my whole life thinking the complete opposite.

"You have to die to be reborn." Like Jesus being nailed to the cross only to rise again days later? Maybe not that extreme...please not that extreme...but how? "You'll know what you're supposed to do when the time comes." I'm not sure I'm ready yet, but maybe someday? I have all the baggage I need to be ready to leave behind and go forward blindly. I need to be willing to remove all the clothing, all the restriction that holds me back, and go into the field naked like Sarah. For now, I'm going to keep on my journey, though. I'm going to continue to search for the good and find the answers. When the time comes, maybe I will know or maybe I will be guided. Maybe I'll even sing a song that just comes to my head at the time...but it probably won't be Rock of Ages.

All of You (Summer of Self Discovery, Part 3)

Megan's Summer of Self Discovery/Self Awareness, Part 3: Marriage

So here's the deal: I've set goals for my summer. I want to in better touch with myself, more aware of myself, and take care of myself. To do this, I am going to be spending a lot of time thinking and writing my way through lots of self-realizations about all the aspects that make me, well, me: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, relationships, career. After a wonderful "date day" yesterday and even more amazing sex last night on the weekend before our 8th wedding anniversary, I feel compelled to write this morning about my relationship with my partner.

If you've been reading this blog or have gotten to know me deeply, you might know bits about my past with the opposite sex. That past makes me less than trusting of men overall, very easily intimidated by men, and constantly questioning motives of men...but not with Casey. Never with Casey, in fact, which is what makes how we ended up where we are making sense.

Casey & I met under the strangest of circumstances. We started out by "poking" each other on Facebook (do you remember when there was an option to "poke" people on Facebook?). We didn't know each other at all, just showed up on each other's "People You May Know" section and we started poking. Then we started chatting on AIM. Then we realized that we lived in the same apartment complex and were both music majors. This right here is why I believe in fate and "divine intervention." There's no possible way we would have ever crossed paths another way at another time. It was like the planets all aligned. It was like God knew this was the man I needed (and I was the woman he needed).

Anyway...so finally one day, Casey sends me an IM something along the lines of: "Hey, I made a cobbler and my roommates don't seem to want to eat it and I'd hate for it to go to waste..." We made plans to meet at a picnic table near the volleyball area (which was right by my apartment). I told my roommates what I was doing and said, "If I don't come back in an hour, check on me." I wasn't planning on love and it was the weekend, so I literally went out in my pajamas (those stupid blue flame pajama pants). He had on an old t-shirt and jeans, so I didn't feel so bad. And we ate cobbler (with a tub of ice cream...yes, he brought the whole tub, but no we didn't eat the whole tub...). And we talked about everything and nothing. And I just felt completely comfortable.

Casey cooked for me a lot in the coming weeks, sometimes at his apartment or sometimes at mine. We went to Walmart around 11:00pm on my birthday then went and got food at Krystal: I made him wear his tux for orchestra and I wore pajamas again. We went to IHOP for his birthday where he insisted other people were coming and I am still convinced it was actually a date. Then we made things "Facebook Official." Then he came to visit me at my parents' house over Christmas break, then I went and spent the night at his parents' house and we went to a Preds game. Somewhere in there we both kind of fell in love.

Before Casey, I refused to do a lot with my previous boyfriends (except abusive loserhead who forced what he wanted when he wanted...). Casey was different. I mean, I'd hold hands with a guy or kiss him (even make out a little), but would stop...more like freak out and start yelling and swatting...anything remotely touching anything. I had a guy that was nice about it, but we only went on a few dates. I had another boyfriend who, after 9 months, dumped me the week before his prom (but still asked that I go with him because he would't have a date otherwise) because I refused to go any further sexually.

Where was I? Oh, yes, Casey was different. I'd let him stay over at my apartment or go stay at his. We'd just cuddle and sleep, and it was amazing. There was never any pressure. Everything was started with, "Is this okay?" or "Are you sure you want to do this?" I'd NEVER had that. I'd never had a boyfriend who cared so much about ME, about MY FEELINGS, about what I was comfortable with. 

Eventually we decided to "take the plunge" into sex. Then he proposed: one of my favorite stories. Then we "took the plunge" again and moved in together. Then we got married. We graduated from college. We got jobs. We bought cars. We got pregnant. We bought a house. We got pregnant again. I switched jobs. We traded in a car. We traded a car for a minivan. He finally switched jobs. We had a surprise pregnancy...that turned into a miscarriage. He switched jobs again. And now we're at today.

Somewhere along the way, life got a little crazy. It really does take work to make a marriage and make it happy. Back in the fall, we had a huge fight and we realized we needed to get some help to put the puzzle back together. I will say that I HIGHLY recommend marriage counseling for anyone who feels like there's even some bumps going on in your journey of marriage. Things are getting great again, and it's just because we got help and really made a focus on each other again.

So, through our nearly 11 years together and 8 years of marriage, here's what I've learned and hold to be the most important things:

1) COMMUNICATE

2) Remember to ask permission/include your partner, remember to say thank you, remember to look at each other.

3) Make time for each other, even if it's just 15 minutes a day. Put everything else aside and take that time. Also try to make time for what you both enjoy. Also, make time for sex.

4) Learn your partner's love language and remember to show your partner some love in the ways they enjoy.

5) Don't ever just try to "assign chores" or "split the load" in a set way and refuse to do something that is "his job" or "her job." Offer to help and ask for help when you need it. Changing a poopy diaper so your partner doesn't have to is love. Mowing the yard on Thursday while your mother-in-law watches the kids for a few hours so your spouse doesn't have to do it on the weekend is love. Chores are love, too.

6) Don't ever keep things to yourself that involve your spouse and their being, but also know you can't just change someone. Example: if your spouse has their phone at the table and it bothers you, tell them. If your spouse has a bad habit of trying to finish your thoughts and you really just need time to think, tell them. Don't be afraid to say, "It really hurts me when..." or "I would appreciate it if..." This all goes back to #1...COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!

Now I'm hungry, so time to go communicate and see what the breakfast plan is before we go get the kids.  Wife out.

Take Me to Church (Summer of Self Discovery, Part 2)

Megan's Summer of Self Discovery/Self Awareness, Part 2: Spirituality

So here's the deal: I've set goals for my summer. I want to in better touch with myself, more aware of myself, and take care of myself. To do this, I am going to be spending a lot of time thinking and writing my way through lots of self-realizations about all the aspects that make me, well, me: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, relationships, career. After an unexpected day and some observations while in a cute shop, I've decided the next topic to explore is going to be where I stand and what my feelings are about religion/spirituality.

In order to explain where I stand today on this topic, I have to start back at the beginning...sorry...

From the time I was born, I was raised in the Catholic Church. The church in my hometown was built by Irish immigrants in the early 1900s, a church which my family had been a part of since...you guessed it, they immigrated from Ireland. I was baptized and received my first communion in that church. I remember seeing cousins and uncles/aunts getting married in this church. I first served as an alter server in this church. It was like a family reunion every Sunday at this church. Lots of my friends from school also attended St. Mary's...it was one of the larger churches in town.

I remember asking my mother sometimes on Sundays as she got my brothers and I out the door why my dad didn't go to mass with us. She'd always mention how he wasn't Catholic, but either was my Uncle John and he went (and later ended up going through the process to receive the sacraments and join the Church as an adult). She'd mention that he "didn't grow up going to church," though I never understood that either since I could literally not remember a Sunday that wasn't spent at mass...unless we went on Saturday evening instead. What was never mentioned, though, was that perhaps my father just wasn't religious. Maybe he just didn't believe. I never asked, and I probably never will. (That's another post on its own as to why not, though.)

I did, however, go through my own season of questioning.  Middle school was a rough time for me, and also around the time that I was preparing for Confirmation, the last of the three Holy Sacraments. I remember telling my mother that I didn't want to go through Confirmation. I remember telling the couple who was assigned to the Confirmation group that year that I didn't want to do it. Nobody would listen to my reasoning, but here it is: When you are Confirmed, this means that you accept responsibility for your faith and destiny. What I was being told, and what I was reading, was that Confirmation is the most important of the Sacraments because YOU are the one choosing and YOU are committing yourself to the Church because YOU believe in the Father, Son, Holy Spirit and the teachings of the Church...but I didn't. At a time where I was questioning everything in my life, there was no way I could honestly say these things. I questioned the existence of God because of the horrible things that had happened in my life recently at that time. I questioned the teachings of the Church because I was beginning to really study and understand some of the ideals and principles of the Catholic teachings. I questioned what would happen to me if I went through this process but was not being honest and true. I questioned why at a time where everyone else in this group, students the same age as me, seemed to have no struggles...why was my heart so torn and questioning? So I tried to fight in my own ways, with no success. I first tried to select Mary Magdalene as my patron saint because of her story, her background, her past: I was told no, I couldn't do that, why don't I just pick Saint Cecilia since she's the patroness of music. I then tried to answer some of our homeworks by sharing all of my questioning, but that wasn't received well by anyone. The final moment where I tried to fight was with my letter to the Bishop. We were told to write a letter to the bishop about our upcoming Confirmation and why we were prepared, blah, blah, blah. If you've read this far, then you read (as best I can remember) what I wrote about all of the questioning. I said that I felt that all of this questioning was a sign that I should not be going through with this and if the bishop really believed in anything, he would not confirm me as I would be a fraud. I can't remember everything that I wrote, but I can remember trying to not let my mother read it and the fight that broke out after she did...the letter was thrown away and I had to start over.  I can't remember a single thing that I actually wrote in that letter, but I know for a fact it was all a lie. So I was Confirmed. After that, they had a high school group that met after mass on Sundays and it was led by an older man (probably in his 60s at the time) who was very devout, very old school, and pretty much the reason I stopped going to church. I got in trouble constantly in that group: he'd ask for our opinions as we looked at various aspects of the Church and mine didn't mesh. I got quite good at twisting his words, twisting verses of the Bible...I think that's what made it the worst.

Now I avoid the topic of religion with almost everyone in the world, which is pretty perfect because my husband does the same. The only thing my girls know about churches is what they generally look like and where some are located in Murfreesboro. We've never read them Bible verses or prayed with them. We've not yet brought up the topic of God in our house in front of the children, though we have discussed how that will happen when the time is right.

Before you (if anyone is even reading at this point) go thinking that we're just the worst people and are going to burn in Hell, please let me explain what I truly in my heart of hearts believe. I don't expect you to agree, but I do ask that if you love me at all and are reading this, that you actually read this and understand. And if after you read you'd like to talk to me about it personally, I'd love to have that conversation with you.

1) I believe in God, though I also believe that he allows us the freedom of life and gives us lots of choice. I believe in fate, I believe that there are things in this world that cannot be explained by science. I believe we are all made uniquely and that our lives are like a "pick a path" book: there's about 25 possible endings and it's up to us to make the choices that ultimately get us to the end. I also believe, however, that sometimes we get a little "divine intervention." (Example, some people that I plan to later feature in another post that I think will be called "Friendship is Magic," like the My Little Pony series...)

2) I believe that something happens to us when we die, but I don't know that I buy into the romanticized notion of Heaven & Hell. I think the beauty in life is that we just have to live it and not worry about what happens at the end. I also believe in some form of reincarnation. The Catholic Church teaches that there's actually 3 options for your soul when your body dies: Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory. I like to think that the idea of Purgatory is basically the same as the idea of reincarnation. So, essentially, I think there's levels of enlightenment and good: if you haven't earned the way to Heaven (maybe you took a wrong turn in your early 20s?), you just get to go back and try again. Purgatory is essentially a "waiting place" for your soul to be ready for Heaven, and reincarnation is essentially a way for you to become more enlightened/improve your status. Same thing? Same thing. I got in a lot of trouble for telling people this when I was in high school...

3) I believe that prayer and meditation essentially serve the same purpose and that purpose is strictly for the person performing them. I don't think that God does much or "work miracles" that you ask for because that's just you being selfish. I think, though, that these actions help people calm the fuck down, help them see what it really is they need to help them, and allows them the ability to do that. But maybe this is just because I decided that prayer didn't really work in middle school/high school when I was asking to be saved...although maybe since I still alive to write all this it actually did work...hmmmm...

4) I believe the best way we can spread spirituality/religion/"The Lord Baby Jesus" in this world is through how we live our lives. We can show kindness, compassion, give everything to each other, love, spread joy. I'm horrible at all of this, but I try. I really truly try. I hope that if I teach my girls nothing else, I teach them this and help them see it daily. I don't want to list what I do because I don't want to brag about how good of a person I am...because I'm not. But each day I try to be a better person than I was the day before and can only hope before I die that I do this enough that more people feel like doing the same.

5) I believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, but that reason may not always be God. Because if I believed that, then I'd have to believe that all of the horrible in the world was something God could predict and change...and I just can't accept that.

6) I believe that my beliefs are constantly evolving and the best way for us to become better people is by sharing what we believe in a calm, casual way.

Thanks for reading. That was a lot of stuff to hack through and if you lasted this long, bonus points. 

Teach, Teacher! (Summer of Self Discovery, Part 1)

Megan's Summer of Self Discovery/Self Awareness, Part 1: Career

So here's the deal: I've set goals for my summer. I want to in better touch with myself, more aware of myself, and take care of myself. To do this, I am going to be spending a lot of time thinking and writing my way through lots of self-realizations about all the aspects that make me, well, me: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, relationships, career. After a wonderful lunch (and ice cream!) with one of my best friends/mentor/sanity speaker, I've decided to kick off this series with a blog about my career and how/why I do what I do.

"Why do you teach?" 

"What made you choose teaching as a career?" 

"How did you decide to become a teacher?"

Anyone in education has been asked those questions at least a few times in their career and probably questioned themselves at least a time or two. We all have those lovely textbook answers too: we all have that wonderful paper we wrote back in some education class during our college studies about our "philosophy of teaching." We are programmed to be able to answer these questions, not simply to justify what we do to our friends and family, but when we interview for jobs or when we talk with our bosses...maybe even sometimes when we talk with our parents.

But when Lindsay started playing therapist today at the lunch table today, I really stopped to think. I didn't just try to give those generic, "perfect" answers. I caught myself thinking, questioning, wondering, remembering. I didn't care about having a good answer (or even an answer that made any sense because, well, it didn't need to make sense to someone who just GETS me).

I love the excitement of the first day with instruments. It makes me jump for joy when that kid who has been struggling on trumpet for the whole semester finally has a breakthrough moment and starts matching pitch. I get goosebumps when we do a full run of a piece and everything lines up. I love watching students grow over a span of 3-5 years. I cry when I have to tell the 8th graders goodbye and I think back to how far they have come during their time with me. I feel proud when I run into a parent at the grocery store and they tell me their child is now the section leader in marching band and that they finally got up the guts to audition for midstate. It's the kids, all day everyday: I do my job because of the kids.

See, I've been having some inner turmoil that I can't quite seem to figure out the cause. (Well, let's be honest, I've been questioning my whole life since about early February...)  I've been questioning if I really picked the right career for me and if I really want to do this for 30 years. Should there really be this inner turmoil about my career? Is that a sign that I'm not in the right place? Am I even any good at my job? Am I doing anything for these kids?

"Okay, so what is it that makes you question your job? What don't you like?"

CONFLICT. I avoid it at all costs. What is the primary source of conflict in teaching? Adults. Sometimes it's coworkers. Sometimes it's parents. Sometimes it's your boss. Every once in a while it's the kids, but lets be honest: even I am not that bad that I get upset if a kid doesn't agree with me. What I do get upset about is lies, backstabbing, belittling, pressure, failure, insulting, hiding, discord, reprimand, questioning of my program, unwillingness to support, refusing to help. That all comes from adults, not kids.

But if why I teach is for and because of the kids, who cares about the adults? THIS! I just came up with this! This is how I need to prioritize myself! I need to remember it's all for the kids: it's not for me to feel big and powerful, it's not for my personal gain, it's not for anything but THE KIDS.

That's not enough though: I've got to improve my craft. I've been on this whole, "Maybe I should get a masters degree.." kick, but I think that is wrong. I don't need to worry about anther degree right now, I need to worry about getting better at what I do daily. So I'm going to set some goals/aspirations for what I specifically want to improve in my teaching/in my ensembles this year.

Goals for 2017-2018 School Year for Me as a Teacher:

1) I want to be more efficient with my time EVERY day, both rehearsal time and planning time.

2) I want to focus on tone production, overall sound, and balance/blend. I want the bands to sound better.

3) I want to focus on measuring level of mastery with skills more so than just a yes or no check of can the students do x.

4) I want to be prepared to teach and give 100% everyday. (I realize I am human and this is near impossible, but I feel like saying "4 days out of 5" is just not good.)

And with that, my friends/readers, I bid you farewell for today. Tune in soon for another part in the series. I'll let you wonder what might be next because, well, I have no idea! Teacher out.

The Language of Love

I have heard people talk about "The 5 Love Languages" and how EVERYONE needs to read it. Let's be honest, though: who has time to sit and read a book? Not this workaholic mama of two under 5! Luckily, though, there's a completely free quiz online that you can take in less than 5 minutes. If you are interested, you can do that here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/couples/

Basically here's the deal: there are 5 main ways people feel and understand love: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and receiving gifts. The quiz helps you and ranks all 5 of these languages in a scale. Why is this important? Well, it can actually tell you a lot about yourself. It can also help your partner understand how to show you love. Example: I scored "0" on the "receiving gifts" language. While obviously nobody hates getting a gift, that doesn't show me any sort of love or make me feel anything besides, "Oh, yay! A gift!" (In all actuality, I never know how to react when opening a gift...I find it extremely awkward and just don't really care even if it is something I genuinely wanted.) So, if my husband just buys me gifts thinking that I will take that as affirmation of love...it's not going to go so swell for me or him.

My two highest languages were tied: physical touch and quality time. I really have no idea why I never even thought or realized this because, let's be honest here: if you know me at all, I am all about hugs, Pat's on the back, high fives...all the touching of all the things all the time. I'm very tactical. And, again, if you are someone I consider a friend you probably get sick of me because I probably either come say "Hey!" to you at least once a day (if I can) or am constantly asking you when we can hang out. I feel like spending time together is meaningful, bottom line.

Casey also took it and lucky for us "quality time" was also one of his top two (he had that tied with "acts of service" which lucky for him I am pretty big on helping people). Unfortunately for me physical touch is #4 of  5 for him...😭

So, newfound resolution to make time for each other as a couple. Resolution to make time for meaningful time as a family. Resolution to be willing to let go of the kids for a few hours and just be with each other. Resolution to talk or play a board game after the girls go to bed.

I also am trying to be more mindful of being helpful and taking care of the house...

If you are struggling in your relationship, or even if you're not but just love continuing to learn about your partner and yourself along the journey of life, take a few minutes to take the quiz and see what your love language is. Could be very insightful and inspiring. My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years, living together for 9, and married for 8: we are still learning about ourselves, each other, and our love. It's pretty great.