I haven't written poetry or lyrics in years, but here's a rough start back? It's funny that I used to fill pages of notebooks with this stuff, trying to get better and make them sound good. Maybe it will get better again with time?
That's Who I Am
I am fierce,
I am fiery,
I fight for who and what I love.
I am fun,
I am outgoing,
I am always down for a drink with friends.
I am smart,
I am funny,
I can play over 20 instruments to some degree.
I am the one you see dancing in the hallways, smiling and saying, "Hey there!"
I'm all of this on the outside, but there's more...
I am anxious,
I am scared,
I constantly second guess myself.
I am hidden,
I am humble,
I will always apologize first, even if it isn't needed.
I am self-conscious,
I am low,
I sometimes get caught up in the past or possibility of the future.
I'm the one you know replaying my day over and over, just to try to convince my self that it was all okay. I'm all this on the inside, but I can't let you see...If I did that, you may not really like me...Well, like me for me. The real me.
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Monday, April 17, 2017
Fuck Up
It's kind of becoming my new, unintentional mantra. I just can't get going down the tracks towards the correct destination or with any momentum. Work, life, relationships, home, marriage, finances: everything is constantly on the tipping point; everyday I drop one of the plates I'm spinning. It's like a game to wake up each day and see what will stay in place and what I will let drop...what will I fuck up today?
Is it ever going to let up? Will I ever stop feeling the shame of failure? Will I continue to sound like a whiny child?
There's good days and bad days I guess. We can't all be perfect. I just...I can't shake this feeling that by taking even the smallest step, I am leaving a trail of disaster. I feel like the plague, a bomb, the worst kind of anything.
I'm sorry to all who have had to deal with my messes.
Is it ever going to let up? Will I ever stop feeling the shame of failure? Will I continue to sound like a whiny child?
There's good days and bad days I guess. We can't all be perfect. I just...I can't shake this feeling that by taking even the smallest step, I am leaving a trail of disaster. I feel like the plague, a bomb, the worst kind of anything.
I'm sorry to all who have had to deal with my messes.
Friday, April 14, 2017
"Plays with Blood"
In "Mozart in the Jungle," Maestro De Souza says that oboe player Hailey Rutledge "plays with blood." There's passion, desire, work, life all going into her playing. She's not the best oboe player in the world (she's good, but not the best even in the show), but sometimes that passion can mean more than technical skill. At least to me it means more: I've always felt that someone who plays with passion and desire gives more and gets more than a player who just has natural talent and doesn't put effort into their art.
Last night was one of the best concerts I've ever been a part of as both a conductor and as a musician. Not because every note, every rhythm, every dynamic, every articulation was perfect...because it wasn't. BUT, there was just something about HOW everyone was performing that made it almost magical. There was eye contact, there was response when I gave direction with my hands, arms, face. There was passion. There was desire. There was REAL effort: effort I've never seen before from some of those kids. I think the highlight was a dramatic crescendo that leads into a gong hit then a caesura. The more my arms raised, the more the kids gave. The tension built to a point where I just couldn't help it: I literally jumped! It took my breath away; it gave me goosebumps. The audience started applauding while we paused before moving into the next section with a completely different tone.
As a conductor, those are the moments you live for: all eyes are on you and the ensemble is giving you EXACTLY what you are asking for. As an education, those are the moments you live for: the students execute their very best, apply what you've taught them, and succeed at their objective with mastery. As a musician, those are the moments you live for: something is so wonderful that it gives you goosebumps.
This has been probably one of the hardest semesters of my teaching career on a personal level. I pride myself on being organized, keeping business as usual in my classroom regardless of what's going on in my life, and trying to stay positive 99% of the time. This semester hasn't been that way: I've taken sick days just because I couldn't "keep up appearances," I've had to leave my room and go hide in empty hallways, I've had to let people down by not doing things within deadlines I've set, I've even had to explain personal things to the kids a few times just so they'd understand why I wasn't being me. But they've pitched in to help, they've brought me chocolate and written me notes, they've taken initiative and run rehearsals...in short the kids have done whatever needed to be done without even one complaint. They've been 100% invested, and it's been amazing to watch and encourage.
Maybe that's why last night was so great: the kids had ownership in all aspects of preparing for the performance. Perhaps all the crazy of my life has somehow made the end result something radically radiant and more than I'd ever thought it could be.
Over 24 hours later, and I'm still grinning from ear to ear when I think about the performance from last night. I'm so incredibly proud of my students and everything they accomplished this semester and this entire year. I'm going to give last night the title of "Best Concert to Date as a Director," and hope that I can continue to raise the bar even more in years to come. Hopefully with less crazy along the way and less roadblocks in the path, though.
May we always "play with the blood."
Last night was one of the best concerts I've ever been a part of as both a conductor and as a musician. Not because every note, every rhythm, every dynamic, every articulation was perfect...because it wasn't. BUT, there was just something about HOW everyone was performing that made it almost magical. There was eye contact, there was response when I gave direction with my hands, arms, face. There was passion. There was desire. There was REAL effort: effort I've never seen before from some of those kids. I think the highlight was a dramatic crescendo that leads into a gong hit then a caesura. The more my arms raised, the more the kids gave. The tension built to a point where I just couldn't help it: I literally jumped! It took my breath away; it gave me goosebumps. The audience started applauding while we paused before moving into the next section with a completely different tone.
As a conductor, those are the moments you live for: all eyes are on you and the ensemble is giving you EXACTLY what you are asking for. As an education, those are the moments you live for: the students execute their very best, apply what you've taught them, and succeed at their objective with mastery. As a musician, those are the moments you live for: something is so wonderful that it gives you goosebumps.
This has been probably one of the hardest semesters of my teaching career on a personal level. I pride myself on being organized, keeping business as usual in my classroom regardless of what's going on in my life, and trying to stay positive 99% of the time. This semester hasn't been that way: I've taken sick days just because I couldn't "keep up appearances," I've had to leave my room and go hide in empty hallways, I've had to let people down by not doing things within deadlines I've set, I've even had to explain personal things to the kids a few times just so they'd understand why I wasn't being me. But they've pitched in to help, they've brought me chocolate and written me notes, they've taken initiative and run rehearsals...in short the kids have done whatever needed to be done without even one complaint. They've been 100% invested, and it's been amazing to watch and encourage.
Maybe that's why last night was so great: the kids had ownership in all aspects of preparing for the performance. Perhaps all the crazy of my life has somehow made the end result something radically radiant and more than I'd ever thought it could be.
Over 24 hours later, and I'm still grinning from ear to ear when I think about the performance from last night. I'm so incredibly proud of my students and everything they accomplished this semester and this entire year. I'm going to give last night the title of "Best Concert to Date as a Director," and hope that I can continue to raise the bar even more in years to come. Hopefully with less crazy along the way and less roadblocks in the path, though.
May we always "play with the blood."
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Suffering in Silence
Today just seemed to be full of reminders. I guess it was just the way the wind was blowing. But everything was reminding me of the pain of the loss: it was like a fresh sack of bricks was hitting me in the gut. Songs on the way to work, people at work talking about pregnancy, pictures of small babies on Facebook...I was more than a little overwhelmed.
I know that people go through this everyday, but I'm really not sure how they function as a normal human after the fact. I guess it's just one of those silent crosses we bear, just like any other kind of pain or depression. And it's hard. So hard somedays. I don't even know why at times.
I can't let it get me down. I can't let it consume me. I can't let myself go back to ways of the past. I've grown up now: I've got other people that require me to care for them.
It's just this feeling of emptiness that I was supposed to be growing something right now. It would be getting close to being able to see, feel, hear. But instead there's just...nothing...
It's funny, too, that all of this struggle is reminding me of middle/high school. That was a different kind of pain and hurt, but some of the emotions feel the same. There's still this feeling of blame; a feeling that it's my fault the whole thing happened. There's a feeling of being alone; a feeling that I can't really share the truth and the emotional toll because either nobody would understand or nobody would believe me at all (or worst of all that nobody would care). There's the anger, there's the fear, there's the confusion...it's all there. But this isn't an abusive relationship this time...this is just the loss of something I'd only known about for a brief time, something I'd barely had time to grow attached. So why are these emotions the same?
I don't know who I can turn to at this point: most of the people in my life now don't know about that past. It's something I've tried to push as far back into a corner or a bottom drawer as I could. My parents spent who knows how much money on meds and therapy without ever really knowing why. And here we are again...something's happened that I just can't handle telling my mother. I can't deal with that overwhelming suffocation of wanting to know every last detail and all of the sympathy so thick it must be a show. I won't do it.
Eventually it will go away, right? Until then I guess I will just suffer in silence.
I know that people go through this everyday, but I'm really not sure how they function as a normal human after the fact. I guess it's just one of those silent crosses we bear, just like any other kind of pain or depression. And it's hard. So hard somedays. I don't even know why at times.
I can't let it get me down. I can't let it consume me. I can't let myself go back to ways of the past. I've grown up now: I've got other people that require me to care for them.
It's just this feeling of emptiness that I was supposed to be growing something right now. It would be getting close to being able to see, feel, hear. But instead there's just...nothing...
It's funny, too, that all of this struggle is reminding me of middle/high school. That was a different kind of pain and hurt, but some of the emotions feel the same. There's still this feeling of blame; a feeling that it's my fault the whole thing happened. There's a feeling of being alone; a feeling that I can't really share the truth and the emotional toll because either nobody would understand or nobody would believe me at all (or worst of all that nobody would care). There's the anger, there's the fear, there's the confusion...it's all there. But this isn't an abusive relationship this time...this is just the loss of something I'd only known about for a brief time, something I'd barely had time to grow attached. So why are these emotions the same?
I don't know who I can turn to at this point: most of the people in my life now don't know about that past. It's something I've tried to push as far back into a corner or a bottom drawer as I could. My parents spent who knows how much money on meds and therapy without ever really knowing why. And here we are again...something's happened that I just can't handle telling my mother. I can't deal with that overwhelming suffocation of wanting to know every last detail and all of the sympathy so thick it must be a show. I won't do it.
Eventually it will go away, right? Until then I guess I will just suffer in silence.
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
Amber Alert
I haven't been able to get the whole Elizabeth Thomas/Tad Cummins thing out of my brain. There's just so much to say on so many topics that correlate with it: I could spend the next several hours just writing continuously. I feel such a wide array of emotions and feel such a deep heartache for this poor missing girl. I also hate that situations like this tend to bring out the darkness of humanity and make me fearful for the future.
First, let's just discuss her and how this might have been prevented altogether. Why aren't we doing more to teach girls? We don't build their self-confidence with all the junk we constantly send at them with electronic advertisements, TV and movies, etc. We also don't ever spend enough time or energy into teaching teens about emotion. We know that the teenage years are crazy and filled with a whole fucking basket full of crazy emotions, some which are completely new and hard to understand...so why aren't we talking to girls about this? We don't talk about lust, depression, sex drive, desperation. We also don't do enough to help people understand different types of abuse and manipulation. Why wasn't a guidance counselor trying to work with this girl? Why wasn't someone checking on her (she had a tough home life...)? Why was this guy the only one mildly aware of things?!
Even if she had a perfectly nice, normal home life and a wonderful, supporting mother: this still could have happened. I remember being a middle school & high school student: it's not a fun time. Looking back, I had some teachers that I had a somewhat odd relationship with...but nothing ever like this. But it's nice to have someone to open up to that's not a peer or your mom. It's nice to feel like there's someone in the world who cares and will listen to those deep, dark, twisted things that you can't possibly share with a family member and that your friends don't really know how to help make the dark and twisty go away. So I had that teacher that I'd go to everyday after school, even after she wasn't my teacher anymore. I'd bare it all out on the table and the teacher would help, comfort, do something completely random to make me laugh. Then the teacher would complain about the master's level classes that were online and horrible or about how there's no possible way to find a decent significant other in a place like Fayetteville when one is educated and wanting a nice life.
It's a fine line we walk sometimes as teachers. I constantly work to make sure that all of my students feel loved: I say "Hello!" when I see them in the hallway or when they come to my room, I try to make them laugh at least once a day, I ask them if things are okay when they seem less than normal, I push them to do their very best and set big expectations because I want them to be the best they can be and feel successful. Yet I know there are boundaries. I make them clear. I do not ever cross them. I do not ever treat one student different than all the rest.
Next, I need to rant about the comments on Social Media. People have been posting and sharing like crazy in hopes that maybe, somewhere and somehow somebody will see them and say, "Hey, that's the missing teen and creepy teacher from Tennessee that everyone's looking for!" However, there's also the horrible comments that people make about how they are "just in love" and how "she's not a victim because she made the choice to go." There's also the people that say, "Well, if she wanted to come home she would have called 911 or escaped by now."
Have you been emotionally, physically, or sexually abused? Do you know anything about manipulation and grooming? Have you ever watched a fictional crime drama on TV? Do you realize this girl is FIFTEEN? Your thoughts and judgement can be influenced and clouded by others. You can be convinced of anything if the person convincing you knows what he/she is doing. You may not have access to any form of communication if someone is wanting to exploit you. You may have been convinced that nobody will believe you. There's just so much that could be going on in that poor girl's head. They are not "in love." This isn't some high school sweetheart thing.
REGARDLESS, THOUGH, SHE IS FIFTEEN!!!!! SHE IS A MINOR!!!!!! IT IS ILLEGAL!!!!!
Finally, I just need to say that I feel so very strongly about abusive people. I don't care what form the abuse takes, it is still horrible to think for even a moment that you have the right to have any sort of control whatsoever on another person. It's sick. It's one of the worst kinds of social injustice. It doesn't matter if the person is younger, the same age, or older. It just isn't okay.
I will do everything in my power to raise my daughters to be bold, self-sufficient, empowered, and have the best self-confidence. I will teach them what abuse is, and why it is not okay. I will make sure they know they are loved and that our home is judgement free and always open. They should never fear my reaction and have that as a reason why they didn't tell me something. And then I will worry every single night if I did the best I could, and I will hold my breath that they can surround themselves with good people and have good, healthy relationships. In the end, all I can do is everything I can and hope for the best. Because this can happen to anyone...I know...and that's what scares me.
First, let's just discuss her and how this might have been prevented altogether. Why aren't we doing more to teach girls? We don't build their self-confidence with all the junk we constantly send at them with electronic advertisements, TV and movies, etc. We also don't ever spend enough time or energy into teaching teens about emotion. We know that the teenage years are crazy and filled with a whole fucking basket full of crazy emotions, some which are completely new and hard to understand...so why aren't we talking to girls about this? We don't talk about lust, depression, sex drive, desperation. We also don't do enough to help people understand different types of abuse and manipulation. Why wasn't a guidance counselor trying to work with this girl? Why wasn't someone checking on her (she had a tough home life...)? Why was this guy the only one mildly aware of things?!
Even if she had a perfectly nice, normal home life and a wonderful, supporting mother: this still could have happened. I remember being a middle school & high school student: it's not a fun time. Looking back, I had some teachers that I had a somewhat odd relationship with...but nothing ever like this. But it's nice to have someone to open up to that's not a peer or your mom. It's nice to feel like there's someone in the world who cares and will listen to those deep, dark, twisted things that you can't possibly share with a family member and that your friends don't really know how to help make the dark and twisty go away. So I had that teacher that I'd go to everyday after school, even after she wasn't my teacher anymore. I'd bare it all out on the table and the teacher would help, comfort, do something completely random to make me laugh. Then the teacher would complain about the master's level classes that were online and horrible or about how there's no possible way to find a decent significant other in a place like Fayetteville when one is educated and wanting a nice life.
It's a fine line we walk sometimes as teachers. I constantly work to make sure that all of my students feel loved: I say "Hello!" when I see them in the hallway or when they come to my room, I try to make them laugh at least once a day, I ask them if things are okay when they seem less than normal, I push them to do their very best and set big expectations because I want them to be the best they can be and feel successful. Yet I know there are boundaries. I make them clear. I do not ever cross them. I do not ever treat one student different than all the rest.
Next, I need to rant about the comments on Social Media. People have been posting and sharing like crazy in hopes that maybe, somewhere and somehow somebody will see them and say, "Hey, that's the missing teen and creepy teacher from Tennessee that everyone's looking for!" However, there's also the horrible comments that people make about how they are "just in love" and how "she's not a victim because she made the choice to go." There's also the people that say, "Well, if she wanted to come home she would have called 911 or escaped by now."
Have you been emotionally, physically, or sexually abused? Do you know anything about manipulation and grooming? Have you ever watched a fictional crime drama on TV? Do you realize this girl is FIFTEEN? Your thoughts and judgement can be influenced and clouded by others. You can be convinced of anything if the person convincing you knows what he/she is doing. You may not have access to any form of communication if someone is wanting to exploit you. You may have been convinced that nobody will believe you. There's just so much that could be going on in that poor girl's head. They are not "in love." This isn't some high school sweetheart thing.
REGARDLESS, THOUGH, SHE IS FIFTEEN!!!!! SHE IS A MINOR!!!!!! IT IS ILLEGAL!!!!!
Finally, I just need to say that I feel so very strongly about abusive people. I don't care what form the abuse takes, it is still horrible to think for even a moment that you have the right to have any sort of control whatsoever on another person. It's sick. It's one of the worst kinds of social injustice. It doesn't matter if the person is younger, the same age, or older. It just isn't okay.
I will do everything in my power to raise my daughters to be bold, self-sufficient, empowered, and have the best self-confidence. I will teach them what abuse is, and why it is not okay. I will make sure they know they are loved and that our home is judgement free and always open. They should never fear my reaction and have that as a reason why they didn't tell me something. And then I will worry every single night if I did the best I could, and I will hold my breath that they can surround themselves with good people and have good, healthy relationships. In the end, all I can do is everything I can and hope for the best. Because this can happen to anyone...I know...and that's what scares me.
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Being a Better ME
It's funny the revelations that come from a weekend of drinking with your best friends, but regardless of how they happen, sometimes we all just need that vantage point to make a change. It's been a bumpy start to the year, and while I've been trying my best to "keep appearances" and "stay positive," it's really hit me. Mostly it's just been a sense of apathy about life in general: sitting at my desk at work during planning time but ignoring the stack of things I need to do, sitting on the couch at home instead of cleaning (or sometimes even instead of parenting), being okay with PB&J or cereal for dinner 3 nights in a row, avoiding talking to people...think of something apathetic and I was probably doing it.
Now I've come back from my weekend of laughs and too much alcohol, had an entire week to do whatever I want, and I think I have a handle on things. I've spent a lot of time thinking, planning, talking to people I trust, and here's what I have come up with: I need to be a better ME. I need to be the best ME I can be. What does that mean? Does that mean being a good, moral person? Eh, maybe, maybe not. It means making sure that I am taking care of myself so that I can, in turn, take care of others and the world around me. That's really what I've been lacking while all the chaos has transpired since late-December: somewhere in all the loss, stress, and care I forgot that I was being impacted and therefore I also needed comfort, care, food, etc. It seems so simple yet I know I am not the only person who forgets to take care of myself.
So, here's how I'm going to do it; here's my list to be the best ME I can be:
1) Take 30 minutes everyday for myself. It might be first thing in the morning, it might be the last thing before bed, it may be that I go hide in the bathroom...but I am going to take 30 minutes everyday just for me. No children, no work, no HOA, no pets, no one else's problems...that's what the rest of the day is for. I can use this time to read, I can use it to listen to music, I can use it to write a blog post, I can use it to eat a bowl of ice cream: the beauty is that it's whatever I want JUST FOR ME.
2) Drink more water. Seems silly, but the other day I literally drank a giant coffee, two sodas, a cherry slush with 2 shots of vodka, and finally I felt so insane from the amount of caffeine and sugar that I took a sip of water with some ibuprofen. I need water.
3) Make smarter eating choices. Again, seems silly? I have been eating a lot of carbs and sugars. These foods make me fat and tired, meaning I sit on the couch and get sad thinking about how fat I am. Must. Eat. Better. Veggies everyday! Yes!
4) Daily sunshine/physical activity is a must. The easiest way to do this from now until school gets out is going to be to use these two 15 minute blocks I have where there's a gap between classes. There's a walking track out behind our school, and my fat ass is going to be doing laps. Not running perhaps but at least walking and listening to some good music or admiring the beauty of the outdoors. Still thinking what I will do in case of rain, but I will figure it out.
5) Remove negative influences and avoid people who either focus on negative or make me feel negatively about myself. There's always those people who try to bring everyone down with them. There's always that one person who says what they want when they want without any regard to you or your feelings. There's always that person who you really love but then turns out they were just using you or that they really didn't care abut you and they stab you in the back. The last few months have been eye opening for me with some people that I am around daily, so I am going to work on fixing that. This may mean I end up becoming a recluse, but then again some experiences recently have also shown me that some people are even more amazing than how amazing I already thought they were. (That got really wordy and confusing but I don't know how to make it better, so I will just say--all the love, all the love.)
6) Stay on top of things/try not to procrastinate. Because stress. The end.
7) Be sure to show love and gratitude to those around me, especially those who have been picking me up a lot lately. You never know who else could be bottling things up and they may just need a little love to make their day better.
This may sound kind of like a New Year's Resolution, but hey, it's April 1 so NOT A NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION because nobody actually does those. Also not an April Fools joke, just FYI.
Here's to being a better person, the best me I can be. Because I am awesome and deserve that for myself. Because all the awesome. Because all the love. Because...okay, bedtime...
Now I've come back from my weekend of laughs and too much alcohol, had an entire week to do whatever I want, and I think I have a handle on things. I've spent a lot of time thinking, planning, talking to people I trust, and here's what I have come up with: I need to be a better ME. I need to be the best ME I can be. What does that mean? Does that mean being a good, moral person? Eh, maybe, maybe not. It means making sure that I am taking care of myself so that I can, in turn, take care of others and the world around me. That's really what I've been lacking while all the chaos has transpired since late-December: somewhere in all the loss, stress, and care I forgot that I was being impacted and therefore I also needed comfort, care, food, etc. It seems so simple yet I know I am not the only person who forgets to take care of myself.
So, here's how I'm going to do it; here's my list to be the best ME I can be:
1) Take 30 minutes everyday for myself. It might be first thing in the morning, it might be the last thing before bed, it may be that I go hide in the bathroom...but I am going to take 30 minutes everyday just for me. No children, no work, no HOA, no pets, no one else's problems...that's what the rest of the day is for. I can use this time to read, I can use it to listen to music, I can use it to write a blog post, I can use it to eat a bowl of ice cream: the beauty is that it's whatever I want JUST FOR ME.
2) Drink more water. Seems silly, but the other day I literally drank a giant coffee, two sodas, a cherry slush with 2 shots of vodka, and finally I felt so insane from the amount of caffeine and sugar that I took a sip of water with some ibuprofen. I need water.
3) Make smarter eating choices. Again, seems silly? I have been eating a lot of carbs and sugars. These foods make me fat and tired, meaning I sit on the couch and get sad thinking about how fat I am. Must. Eat. Better. Veggies everyday! Yes!
4) Daily sunshine/physical activity is a must. The easiest way to do this from now until school gets out is going to be to use these two 15 minute blocks I have where there's a gap between classes. There's a walking track out behind our school, and my fat ass is going to be doing laps. Not running perhaps but at least walking and listening to some good music or admiring the beauty of the outdoors. Still thinking what I will do in case of rain, but I will figure it out.
5) Remove negative influences and avoid people who either focus on negative or make me feel negatively about myself. There's always those people who try to bring everyone down with them. There's always that one person who says what they want when they want without any regard to you or your feelings. There's always that person who you really love but then turns out they were just using you or that they really didn't care abut you and they stab you in the back. The last few months have been eye opening for me with some people that I am around daily, so I am going to work on fixing that. This may mean I end up becoming a recluse, but then again some experiences recently have also shown me that some people are even more amazing than how amazing I already thought they were. (That got really wordy and confusing but I don't know how to make it better, so I will just say--all the love, all the love.)
6) Stay on top of things/try not to procrastinate. Because stress. The end.
7) Be sure to show love and gratitude to those around me, especially those who have been picking me up a lot lately. You never know who else could be bottling things up and they may just need a little love to make their day better.
This may sound kind of like a New Year's Resolution, but hey, it's April 1 so NOT A NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION because nobody actually does those. Also not an April Fools joke, just FYI.
Here's to being a better person, the best me I can be. Because I am awesome and deserve that for myself. Because all the awesome. Because all the love. Because...okay, bedtime...
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