The Storm Inside: Explaining Intense BPD Emotions

I’ve read a lot of articles and posts about how many people with borderline personality disorder have quick changes in mood or emotion, often influenced by the smallest of events or moments in a day. This is very true in my life, and I find myself changing my mood and outlook on life almost hourly some days. What I haven’t read a lot about is the intensity that these emotions pack and the conflict they often cause with each other. I’ve come to refer to my emotions and thoughts as “the storm inside” because that’s the best way I can explain it: there is literally a storm full of flashes of lightning, booms of thunder, pouring rain, and gusting winds inside of my mind and my body.

My friends have asked what this “storm” is like, as they struggle to understand and have not ever experienced emotions the way that I do. It is incredibly difficult to put words to how we feel, as anyone who has been through therapy and stared at emotion wheels or charts of feeling words knows all too well. Here’s the best way I can explain this storm inside of me every day:

It is crippling anxiety mixed with uncontrollable rage. It is smiling and enjoying talking to a friend while looking for a way to escape life because your skin is crawling.  It’s pain that you can feel in your chest, your muscles, your bones that can start and consume you at any time. It is sharing someone’s happiness while inside your head there’s jealousy screaming at you with a thunderous roar. It is choosing to allow the darkness to consume you and shutting everyone out because it’s easier that way.  It’s being so overjoyed that you can’t sit still but every time you move you find yourself starting to fill with that emptiness again. Unlike most storms, this constant brew of emotions never sleeps, never ceases: it can hit you in the middle of your work day or at 2:00am. It’s a storm that constantly changes directions, something so unpredictable that nobody can get an accurate reading or track the patterns.

Sometimes I can harness the storm and rein it in, keeping it to myself. Sometimes I can tune out the storm with music or work. Sometimes I just choose to sleep it off, meaning I may take naps in the middle of the day or go to bed extremely early. Sometimes I allow myself to use rage as an outlet and scream, kick, or throw any object I can find. Sometimes I use self-harm to ground myself and gain back control over the mixture of hell I feel inside. Lately I’m trying healthier means like meditation, mindfulness exercises from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), or labeling and writing out what I’m feeling.

People seem to think that I’ve suddenly become this way, like it happened overnight. When I look back at my past, though, I can remember these feelings as far back as I can remember. There have been times where I’ve had better control over the storm, that the storm wasn’t so strong. The storm usually brews inside of me and targets only me, leading to low self-worth and a very conflicted self-image.

My DBT therapist has told me that my current goal is to not allow the negative part of my brain that screams during these storms to win control over me. We are also about to start distress tolerance in my skills group, which I can only hope will help to quiet the storm. As Kiera Van Gelder says so elegantly in her memoir The Buddha and the Borderline, “I am determined to fight for my survival. I do not deserve to be trapped in hell.” I will continue to battle the winds and rain, sailing through the waves as they crash, and hopefully someday soon I will find the beach again where the storms are less frequent and less intense.

My Fears After Florida

As a teacher and a mother of young children, I'm obviously concerned about the amount of school shootings that have occurred so far this year including the most recent in a high school in Florida. As an adult who has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and has had multiple stays in a psychiatric hospital, I'm very concerned and fearful what the potential outcome might be of all the discussions connecting all of these tragic events to mental illness.

I agree with the sentiment that we don't provide adequate services and care to many in this country who struggle with illnesses of any kind in this country, including mental illness. I also agree that we don't do enough in public schools to provide emotional support and real help to students who need it. In a perfect world, everyone would have access to the care they need along with adequate shelter and nutrition. There's so much that our lawmakers and leaders could do to improve health and well-being for Americans.

Here's my question, though: are we really concerned about helping those who need it, or are we concerned about "keeping up appearances" with the people and the businesses that run this country? My fear is that we aren't really concerned about people at all...or at least not nearly as concerned as we are about protecting our guns. Here's what I'm afraid might be my future in a world where we think the answer is changes to our mental health system:

1) I'm afraid that I will start having to disclose my borderline personality disorder and medication lists to my employer and any potential employer should I seek a new job. I am afraid that questions about mental health will become as common as drug tests and questions about your criminal record. What will that mean for my chances of getting a job? What will that mean for my husband who has bipolar II or my daughters who have parents and extended family with a history of mental illness?

2) I'm afraid that my hospitalizations will become part of my record just like anything else. Will mental illness show up in a database when someone runs my license or when an officer runs my plates? Will I be targeted at airports for additional security checks because of my "conditions?" Will police start having a bias for people who have mental illness just as they already do for people based on their race or clothing?

3) I'm afraid my career in education may come to an end before I'm ready to end it because of who I am, because of my diagnosis. I'm afraid that I will be see as a "risk" and unsafe to be around children even though I'd never hurt another human or ever had any homicidal thoughts (all of my hospitalizations have been for suicidal ideations).

Perhaps my fears are irrational, but history says they are very real possibilities.

The Connection Between My Fear of Abandonment and My Self-Image

Like many other people who have borderline personality disorder, I struggle with knowing who I am and what that person looks like. I often struggle to describe myself to others, and the few ways I do are usually negative and very self-critical. Inside my head all I see is this complex web, yarn just wadded up into a messy ball that I can't seem to untangle. I constantly worry if I'm making the right choices, I research new careers or advanced degrees on and off, I always feel like I'm behind the curve or too late to the party of what life should look like...all I see is the ball of yarn, but can't even begin to imagine what that ball could become.

So, I surround myself with people and ask them to tell me who I am, what I should do, where I should go. Every person in my life is like another strand of yarn that becomes woven into the giant ball...I need every strand I can get. A couple of my friends have made jokes over the years about how indecisive I am, how I run everything by them before taking action myself. I always try to laugh it off, but inside I know why I do this. I do it because they know me better than I know myself. I don't know myself, I don't trust myself, I hate the version of myself that I see. I hate that all I see is a giant mess of yarn where everyone else sees beautiful things that the yarn can create. Without having people in my life, I wouldn't get the validation and feedback, the praise and advice, the love and respect that I lack the ability to give myself.

I joke that many of my struggles are that giant ball of yarn all wrapped together, but it's actually very true. I feel empty and out of touch with myself, so I surround myself with people who bring me up and make me feel full. Then I fear that these people will abandon me, so I do and say things out of desperation to pull people closer. Often, though, these desperate measures leave people feeling suffocated or trapped and I become frustrated and angry...and then the person leaves anyway. Losing just one person in my life (a friend asking for space or a student dropping my class) makes me feel empty and worthless. I need every single stand of yarn to stay with me so that I am complete.

Now that I am aware of this connection, I can work towards change, towards breaking apart the ball of yarn or weaving it into something new and different. I don't know what the yarn will look like when it's finished yet, but I do know that I have to pick an end to start pulling out of the ball. My dialectical behavior therapy skills group recently started talking about the Buddhist loving kindness meditation, and that in order to send loving kindness to others you must first start with yourself. I think the key to finding peace, to breaking the fear of abandonment, is to first accept and love myself. This won't be easy, but I've got to try...as my husband always says, "Who dares wins."

30 Days of Me: #10/30

Day 10: Songs You Listen To For Different Emotions

Music When I'm Happy/Excited:
1) 90s/Early 2000s Pop: N'Sync, Britney Spears, Nelly, etc

2) "Smack My Bitch Up" by The Prodigy

3) Anything by Daft Punk

4) 90s/Early 2000s Rap/Hip-Hop

Music When I'm Sad:
1) "Blackout" by Muse

2) Death Cab for Cutie

3) "Drive," "Mexico," and "Miss You" by Incubus

4) "Burn" from the Hamilton Soundtrack

5) Coldplay

6) "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles

7) "The Blower's Daughter" by Damien Rice

8) "Adagio for Strings" by Samuel Barber

Music When I'm Angry:
1) "On My Own" by The Used

2) A Perfect Circle

3) "Chop Suey" by System of a Down

4) "Welcome Home" by Coheed and Cambria

5) "Apocalypse Please" by Muse

6) "I'm so Sick" by Flyleaf

7) Chevelle

8) Piano Concerto #2, Mvmt 1 by Sergei Rachmaninoff

Songs When I Need to CTFO:
1) "You're The Storm" by The Cardigans

2) "Samson" and "Eet" by Regina Spektor

3) "The Night We Met" by Lord Huron

4) "Losing My Way" by Justin Timberlake

5) "1-800-273-8255" by Logic

6) Ben Folds

7) "Heartbeats" by Jose Gonzalez

8) "Air for Band" by Frank Erickson

9) Cello Suite #1 in G, Mvt 1 by JS Bach

30 Days of Me: #9/30

Day 9: Something You're Proud of in the Last Few Days

1) I'm proud of myself for trying to write daily.

2) I'm proud that I've practiced mindfulness all week.

3) I'm proud that I've gotten my online gradebook almost completely up to date.

4) I'm proud of myself for making dinner every night this week (except tonight...).

5) I'm proud of myself for going to therapy today and sharing a lot while being honest.

30 Days of Me: #8/30

Day 8: A Short-Term Goal You Have & Why

Currently one of my main goals that I am practicing daily is mindfulness. Mindfulness is a mental state achieved by focusing on awareness surrounding the present moment.  It includes acknowledging and accepting ones emotions, thoughts, and body sensations but not dwelling on them for any length of time. It includes the "how" skills of observing, describing, and participating plus the "what" skills of non-judgementally, one-mindfully, and effectively.

Mindfulness is a major part of dialectical behavior therapy as it helps make the other three areas of DBT (interpersonal skills, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance) possible. I try to practice mindfulness daily in both simple and more complex parts of my day and life. Practicing mindfulness may mean something as simple as clearing my mind the shower and focusing only on the water, how it sounds, how it feels, the temperature, the amount. It may also mean something like labeling my emotions then letting them go. It may also mean trying to see different perspectives of an event by looking at the facts, not forming judgments or opinions. It may also be playing soccer with my girls and husband, eating a sandwich in silence, meditation, or even writing this blog post. It's about embracing the moment.

I'm working on mindfulness for several reasons. I'm working on it so that I can be more present in my life. Over the last six months, I've spent so many moments, hours, and days stuck inside my head and not really active in the moments in my life. I'm working on it so that I can have better awareness and control over my emotions. I often become overwhelmed with emotions and can't figure them out, but if I am more mindful I will hopefully be better at seeing triggers, patterns, and identifying emotions. I'm working on mindfulness so that I can stop being impulsive, speaking out of anger, and ruining relationships. I've made family angry, lost friends, and caused tension with many people because of these moments of "word vomit." Hopefully with mindfulness will come the ability to be more aware of my emotions, letting go of things in the past, and realizations when I need to walk away and come back to something I might regret if I speak immediately.

I'm looking forward to my journey into mindfulness!

There's Blood in the Ashes This Wednesday

"For dust you are and to dust you shall return."

As many in America take today to begin a period of penitence and reflection, of sacrifice and fasting, there's news of yet another mass shooting inside a high school in Florida. As some cover their heads in ashes, others get placed into body bags. There's families in prayer and families in mourning.

Families in prayer, families in mourning: it's become such a common place in America. We aren't even sixty days into the new year and there have already been eight mass shootings in schools with injuries or fatalities. Yet we continue to answer violence with nothing but thoughts and prayers, nothing more than words to each other and words to a Higher Power.

Why is violence in our own homes committed by our own children so very different than violence committed by the hands of a child of another country? Why is our answer to violence only more violence or words with no meaning? Words only hold so much power...offering thoughts and prayers only make us feel better that we are powerless to the darkness we've allowed to consume our people because we feel it is our right to do as we damn well please, that it is our entitlement as people of this country to walk down the street with machines that only exist for the purpose to kill.

I'm tired of all of these useless offers of thoughts and prayers. I am angered by the argument that "guns don't kill" I am so sick of the water cooler conversations about how we could solve this problem by arming teachers. Violence does not change violence; hate does not eliminate hate.

I am a teacher: I am trained to help children learn, grow, feel safe, be protected. I am a teacher and I take my job very seriously. I am a teacher, but I'm not trained to have a gun, to know how to avoid having a student take me down for that gun, to know when to fire it. I will happily never purchase a gun in my lifetime, I would be grateful to never hold a firearm even for a moment. But I would also take a bullet for any child at my school without a moment's hesitation. I would do anything and give my life to know that my students were safe...even use my $4,000 flute against a shooter if needed.

I hate that I spend every afternoon questioning if I said or did anything that day that might have upset a child enough that they might return tomorrow with a gun. I hate that I have students that I have seen break down into tears because of the hate others have shown them, because of the pain in their hearts. I hate that I have to hug my girls extra tight on mornings like tomorrow because I fear that there might not be an afternoon to pick them up.

To ashes we may return, but why not in a car crash or a heart attack? Why must so many return to ashes at the hands of another who is armed with a killing machine that my neighbors keep insisting should be available almost everywhere you turn? I could never take the life of another no matter what that person did, not even those that still haunt me in my sleep.

Put down your firearms, your knives, your nuclear weapons and think: what is your life worth? Is the life of a child worth this, worth owning a damn gun?

30 Days of Me: #7/30

Day 7: Someone/Something That Has Made the Biggest Impact on You

Our lives are shaped by so many events, so many people, so many moments. This makes it hard for me to just write about one person or one thing that has had the "biggest" impact. There's no one piece of the puzzle that's more significant than the rest in my mind: you need each and every piece to see the entire picture. I'm going to try my best to keep it to just a small number tonight and hit the highlights if I can, though, with a few thank you messages to those who have done so much in my life.

To my band directors: thank you for lighting a fire in me that still burns bright nearly twenty years later. Thank you for giving me a beautiful way to express myself, connect with others, and process emotions. Thank you for encouraging me, pushing me, and caring about me. Thank you for letting me spend hours in the band room, for coming to visit me when I was in alternative school, for continuing to check in with me even when I was in college. Thank you for showing me that you can set high expectations, get great results, and still make things fun and positive. I am where I am today and the teacher I am because of each of you. I can only hope that someday I'm half as amazing as you guys!

To Kay Campbell and Mr. Ham plus all of the Academic Team crew: thank you for always helping me increase my knowledge and feeding my thirst for learning. Thank you for many wonderful Saturdays of buzzes and bus rides filled with history. Thank you for letting me be my crazy cool self and expressing the real me so freely.

To Mr. Jean & Bob Scott: thank you for feeding my love of the English language and expression through writing and theatrical productions. I'm almost certain that my continued love of writing, live theater, and ability to speak in public are because of your combined talents. Thank you for believing in me and cultivating my linguistic skills.

To Deanna, Celine, and all of the amazing people who I met at the MTSU Flute Studio: Thank you for believing in me even when I didn't believe in myself. Thank you for showing me that passion and hard work can pay off in time. Thank you for not letting me drown my first semester in college. Thank you for the endless numbers of spa parties and car rides on the rainy days or late nights. Thank you for listening to my scales over and over until I was ready for upper division. Thank you for letting me still see all the great things each of you are doing and inspiring me to continue to better myself. Thank you for National Etude Day and other nonsense days that made even the most mundane skills exciting to do. Thank you for Ian Clarke. Thank you for making me laugh until I almost peed my pants before studio recitals or any other performance I was scared of. Thank you for accepting me even though my talent was far less than all of yours.

To Casey: thank you for loving me even when I'm in pajamas. Thank you for sticking by my side at some of the most challenging of times. Thank you for being a fellow nerd and awkward turtle. Thank you for board games, Magic: The Gathering, and all the space exploration shows/movies. Thank you for our beautiful home and children. Thank you for supporting my writing and my career choices both now and in the future.

To Trustpoint Hospital: Thank you for the ADU. Thank you for IOP. Thank you Devon, Chloe, AJ, Rob, and Mei for being everything I needed even when I didn't know what it really was I even needed. Thank you for continuing to be a place I can go if I need to feel safe and for being people I can call if I ever need.

To Dr. Raphaeli and DBT: thank you for giving me all that you are. Everything is just as it should be, I'm doing the best that I can, and I am making progress.

To my friends past, present, or future: thank you for embracing the spunk and fire. Thank you for all that you've said, done, or shown me. Thank you for riding the waves with me, because there's always been waves at some point or another. Thank you fo the time you spent being my friend, no matter how short or long it lasted.

To everyone who reads this and everyone in my life: thank you for each day. You never know what your smile, your kindness, or your stories do for me. Thank you for making me who I am and joining me on my journey. Thank you for reading this crappy blog and all my other writings.

Day #7...I'm not sure this is what the prompt meant, but this is my version and my truth. Goodnight.

30 Days of Me: #6/30

Day 6: Your Favorite Superhero and Why

What is a hero? Are unnatural powers or super human strength a requirement to be called such a title? Personally, I've never seen the appeal of the traditional superheros like Superman, BatmanB or Wonder Woman. Is it healthy to idolize fictional characters that we can never even strive to be? What makes being a "normal" human so mundane that we can not be even considered super or heroic?

I do not have a favorite superhero in the sense that I believe the question means. I can, however, give you many other fictional characters who are simple, everyday humans but do super and heroic things with their lives. That's what I aspire to be: super and heroic in my everyday life, helping others and trying to fight the evil in the world with my words, my brain, my music...because those are the only powers I possess.

With that being said, I decided that my favorite hero is Princess/General Leia from Star Wars. I see Leia as a badass. She's strong, determined, and smart. She doesn't need a man to save her and she doesn't wait around for someone else to do all the work. She stays true to her morals and values even in the face of danger, and she does everything for the greater good not just herself. Sure, maybe she does have a "superpower" by being Force sensitive, but most of what she does and how she handles things has nothing to do with The Force.

Princess Leia is a total package. She has great influence and is a major part of the reason why the rebellion still hasn't died. Can you say the same about anyone else? I think it's safe to say she has more of her mother in her than her father...because Padme Amadalla is a badass too.

30 Days of Me: #5/30

Day #5: A Place You've Visited

Chicago. Chi-Town. The Windy City. So many memories both in childhood and early adulthood with the city of Chicago. I love it.

There are so many great things about Chicago! The Field Museum and The Art Institute are amazing no matter how many times you visit them. I can remember standing in the Art Institute as a child in awe of the Monet exhibit they had at the time. For animal lovers there is always the zoo or the aquarium as well: both are great! There's also lots of sight seeing activities, many of which I haven't completed just yet (like going up the Sears, I mean Willis Tower...). Plus, of course, there's pizza!

Oh, Chicago, I dream of visiting you in the future perhaps to attend The Midwest Clinic or just for a family vacation. I adored visiting you as a child, was thankful to pass through you a few times with my now husband, and just think you are an absolutely unique city...one of a kind.

30 Days of Me: #4/30

Day #4: Habit(s) You Wish You Didn't Have

I want to preface this with a few things:

1) This was actually a difficult topic for me to focus and write. 

2) One of the skills of mindfulness we are working through at DBT Skills Group is to look at things non-judgmentally. Therefore, I tried my best to write about each habit without passing judgement or using labels such as "good," "bad," "worse," "better," etc. My hope is that comes through in the writing.

Habit #1: "Self Blame"

Description: I have a habit of blaming myself for events and reactions that occur in my life, even if it's something completely out of my control. I take frustrations, aggression, and other emotions people express and find ways to make it because of me. My husband has started saying, "It's not all about you," to point out this habit to me.

Why This Doesn't Benefit Me: Blame does not change the situations, events, or emotions. Continuously thinking negative thoughts about myself will not help me improve my mood or make progress along my journey.

Healthier Methods: Being able to look at the facts of a situation or event without assigning or implying any blame helps everyone see the situation just as it is and allows for everyone to find ways to improve the situation or event for the future. Everyone is entitled to having emotions, but that doesn't mean that I need to agree or feel the same...and it definitely doesn't make it my fault that they have these emotions. Allowing people to own their feelings without taking them on myself will make my relationships healthier.

Habit #2: "Black & White Thinking"

Description: I tend to see things as only 'black' or 'white,' 'good' or 'bad.' This causes me to constantly reflect and pass judgement on all of my actions, words, thoughts, or feelings. This thinking makes everything into an extreme or absolute.

Why This Doesn't Benefit Me: When I use this mindset, I tend to be very hard on myself and only focus on the negative.

Healthier Methods: Being able to look at the facts of a situation will help. Also realizing that there are shades of grey in life will make a difference. Remembering that everything in this moment is just as it should be and that I am doing the best I can will allow me to work on this habit to improve myself further.

Habit #3: "Regretting the Past and Worrying About the Future"

Description: I spend many hours reflecting on the past and/or contemplating the future. This leads to feeling regret and fear almost constantly, which means I hesitate or question every single thing I do in the present.

Why This Doesn't Benefit Me: I cannot change the past or predict the future, so focusing so much on either only causes pain.

Healthier Methods: Mindfulness! Being focused in the present moment leads to greater happiness and greater feelings of connection to those around me and the universe as a whole.

30 Days of Me: #3/30

Day #3: Pictures of Your Animals

We are a cat family...

Cat #1--Bruce

Bruce is our "special" kitty. We adopted him in 2013 and he's a very noisy, very timid, very small, very fluffy cat. He only really loves Casey and he's terrified of the girls. He also has hip dysplasia and walks funny as a result. His favorite hobbies are sleeping on top of Casey, meowing when he can't find Casey, and hiding from the girls.

Cat #2--Fritter

Fritter was a stray that was wandering our street in the fall of 2016. We started feeding her but hesitated on bringing her inside...until we discovered she was pregnant. So we brought Mama Fritter in, let Meredith name her, and the rest is history. She can often be seen in a window, longing for the world she used to rule, but secretly she's a big lap cat who loves attention and the simple life of an indoor cat.

Cat #3--Snickerdoodle

"We're NOT keeping the kittens!" Oh, wait, I guess this one is sweet...okay, just one.

Snickerdoodle is our massive baby cat. He is approximately 20 pounds, thinks he's human, and proudly enjoys being "large and in charge." Snickerdoodle and Meredith are nearly inseparable: he sits with her, he plays in the bath with her, he even climbs into the top bunk at bedtime to sleep with her. He's the first cat we've raised from birth, which may be why he insists on bossing Eleanor around and sitting at the dinner table with us. He's a pretty funny dude!

And, finally, an ode to friends of old...we miss you, Harley & Sylvia. Our original kitty babies who moved with us multiple times and sadly left this world too soon. We miss them both so very much.

30 Days of Me: #2/30

Day 2: Explain the Meaning Behind Your Blog Name

My blog is called "Life...or Something Like It" and my name is "musicmaker182." Besides the fact that I highly enjoy using movie and song titles to title my posts and the blog itself is a movie title, there's a personal meaning behind the title. The blog is essentially my personal blog and tends to be about whatever in my life I feel like writing at that exact moment. Life is beautiful, messy, chaotic, and never like we plan. So that's what the title is meant to portray.

My username 'musicmaker182' is a combination of what I do and the last three digits of my lunch number from middle school. Previous to adopting that as my go-to username, I used 'wizard_juanita' which really had nothing to do with me at all, it just happened to be my favorite character from a great book series I read as a teen. Once nerdy, always nerdy.

Stay nerdy, my friends.

Even In My Dreams (A Poem)

Sometimes you still haunt me
Even in my dreams
I can feel you touching me
When I'm fast asleep

I hate it when you show up
As I close my eyes
Your voice makes me shiver
Your face makes me cry

I've lost a lot of sleep from you
As the years go by
I wish I could just forget you
I wish the memories would die

30 Days of Me: Day #1/30

Day #1: A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.

1) I was born three weeks after my due date.

2) When I was a child I had an imaginary friend named Brian.

3) I loved Hootie & The Blowfish, Ben Folds 5, and Matchbox 20 when I was in elementary school...and of course Spice Girls.

4) I traveled to Canada to see Pope John Paul II. It was probably the most spiritual experience I've had in my life.

5) I've said that I wanted to be a teacher since I was in elementary school and specifically a band director since 7th grade.

6) I placed in our school talent show in highschool by performing a monologue...a monologue that I wrote.

7) I have a published poem.

8) My most prized possession is my flute. I had a beginner model flute all the way through high school and was finally able to buy a professional model with a lot of graduation money and a little help from my parents.

9) I still get nervous before every concert I conduct or play.

10) I met my husband for the first time while wearing pajamas with blue flames on them...yep, I'm a keeper.

11) I only ended up applying to one college.

12) I once answered a question at a quiz bowl competition with a word I completely made up, but it didn't matter because we beat MLK!

13) I know a lot about theatrical lighting.

14) I once popped my knee out of socket while doing the "Cha Cha Slide" but my friends thought I was just goofing around when I hit the floor.

15) I enjoy learning new things, especially about areas like religion/spirituality, cultures, and psychology.

Impulsivity

One of the "signs" of borderline personality disorder is impulsivity. When most people (myself included) hear that, the first image that comes to mind is a bipolar person during mania going on a shopping spree, speeding down the highway in the middle of the night, or making other poor judgement calls. At first I laughed it off and thought, "I'm not impulsive!" The more I try to understand myself and reflect, though, the more I can see the impulsivity...it's just not what most would think or when most people would suspect.

I'm impulsive with words. I talk out of my ass sometimes. I respond quickly and emotionally to others, especially when I am upset or angry (I call this my tendency to "word vomit" on people). As soon as an idea crosses my mind, I am telling someone about it. I try to answer questions as quickly as possible, like it's a race. There's often no filter on what I say.

I'm impulsive with relationships. I fall hard and I dive in deep before even thinking through the truth. I'm sometimes too trusting, I'm often too giving, and I'm always too invested. I also tend to leave relationships impulsively: I've written off people I'd been friends with for years over a small argument or because my new "favorite person" didn't like that other friend.

I've also noticed that the timing when my impulsivity is most likely to occur is not when I'm doing great...it's actually when I'm overwhelmed and usually feeling low. I try to use words to save myself from abandonment or to hurt others when I am feeling pain inside. I unload on people without even thinking about what I'm saying or how they will react.

I impulsively reach for self-harm as a coping mechanism when things get out of control in my head. I'll find something I already have or even seek out objects in stores. My therapist says it's my way of trying to take back control when I feel I don't have control over my emotions or what is happening in my life.

I think that because of this unique form of impulsivity, when I've been asked if I am impulsive in the past I've always said, "No, not really," but I'm seeing now that impulsive behavior can look different for each individual. I'm glad that I'm having this awareness as I learn more about myself and mindfulness through dialectical behavior therapy. I hope that in time I can gain control of my impulses more so that I can be less impulsive and more attentive, more methodical in my words and choices.

Anxiety (A Song)

Thoughts are racing,
Heart is pacing,
My hands begin to shake.
Breathing quickens,
Tongue thickens,
My stomach is in knots.

Anxiety...
What am I so afraid of?
Panicing...
What is going on?

Eyes are falling,
Skin is crawling,
My feet they feel like lead.
Ears are ringing,
Blood is beating,
I've lost all sense of time.

Anxiety...
What am I so afraid of?
Panicing...
What is going on?

So many times,
It only takes one small thing...
So many times,
My mind goes into overdrive...
So many times,
It only takes one small thing...
So many times...
Hell I don't even know!

Anxiety...
What am I so afraid of?
Panicing...
What is going on?
Anxiety...

So afraid...I wish I'd...die.

What 'Love' Looks Like to Me as Someone with BPD

Even though I'm 30 and only recently been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, I've know that the way I see and call love is very different than most for quite a while: love and feelings are something I've struggled with since childhood. I feel everything strongly, give completely, love extremely. When I say I love someone, I have strong feelings. I often admire them, respect them, enjoy spending time with them, and see them as so much more than I see myself. I’d risk and even sacrifice myself for the people I love and their happiness. I’d do anything, move Heaven and Earth if needed, to help out the people I love. To me, that’s what love is: unconditional companionship, care, and admiration. It’s that feeling of uncontrollable smiles when you see those people happy, or indescribable pain and sadness when you see them cry. It isn’t physical attraction or sex: that’s lust and completely different to me. It isn’t just blood: love knows no boundaries. 

 I am learning that these are common struggles for people with my history and diagnosis. I think these difficulties are why I struggle with boundaries, question things like my sexuality, and often do or say things that don't make sense to most people in relation to my friendships and relationships. These struggles also lead to negative responses like jealousy, rage, disappointment, rejection, and heartache. I wanted to share what love looks like for me.

"I love extremely."

People may say I got to extreme lengths to show my love. I crave physical touch, so I hug often. I desire validation and dedication, so I frequently say 'I love you' when talking to those that I love. I give gifts for anything and nothing, I will message or call my friends almost daily just to let them know I care or to check on them. Some might say I smother, and some get uncomfortable when they mistake my version of love for something else (like romantic interest). I just feel with such intensity that I sometimes cannot control my feelings or keep them inside. I also don't understand boundaries or ambiguity, so sometimes I mistake the gestures or actions of others for love and end up caring much more for someone than they care about me.

"I love unconditionally."

Another part of my love deals with being blind to flaws. I fear abandonment and failure, so often I am willing to look past what others may consider to be unhealthy or undesirable behaviors or habits. I find myself willingly accepting giving more than I get, taking mistreatment or abuse, and just letting others walk all over me. The benefits of this is that I often feel empathy and can forgive, but the negative is that I have low self-worth and sometimes don't even see there is an issue with the relationship be it friendship or romance. 

"I love through jealousy."

Because I love with such intensity, I often find myself getting jealous. I become upset or angry when I see a picture of some of my friends on social media hanging out without even asking me or I question when I see my husband has a text message from a female coworker. I may express this jealousy outwardly to the people that I love with aggression or sadness. Usually this outward expression of jealousy serves two main purposes: to try to "prove my love" to the person and to try to manipulate the person into giving me attention.

"I love through heartache."

Unfortunately, a common problem for me (and I'm learning many with borderline personality disorder struggle with this) is that I find myself in a position where relationships become broken and end quite frequently. I struggle to let go, I try to live in the past, and I spend lots of time being heartbroken over the loss of a friendship or romantic interest. I'll continue to listen to songs that remind me of the person, look at pictures of them, and even sometimes try to contact them even after the relationship ended. Even through the pain, I still love the person and can't stop. Some may say this helps in some way, but often it leaves me hurt as I watch people move on in life without me...and sometimes it leads to damaging things even further because I don't understand boundaries or confusing signals.

I am learning through my treatment that there are flaws in my view and understanding of love. I am not saying that this rationalizes or justifies my actions, but it does help me make sense of my feelings. I'm learning how to regulate my emotions, maintain healthier relationships with defined boundaries, and live in the present moment through dialectical behavior therapy. I'm hoping with time and my new skills I can continue to be passionate and love, but avoid undesirable traits that cause the instability and heartache. Isn't that what everyone wants: to love and be loved without pain or suffering?I think through DBT and lots of hard work, I will get there.

Show Me Love

There have been so many days that I've woken up wishing I hadn't over the last six months, so many moments where I wasn't sure I could carry on living. I've found, though, that those days are the days where the smallest gestures end up changing everything. I've been very lucky to have people show me love in what may seem like small ways, but they've really made the difference in my struggle with Major Depressive Disorder and diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Here's a few ways I've been shown love through this hard season:

1) A Bracelet that Made Me Laugh
My friend Grace and I both have very unique tastes in music. In high school, the song "Smack My Bitch Up" by The Prodigy came on and we both instantly started singing while everyone else stood there looking confused. Since then, "Smack My Bitch Up" has become our theme song. One day in the fall, a package was sitting at my door when I got home. It included many small things like a wrecking journal and stress balls, but my favorite part was a bracelet that said "Best Bitches" on the inside. I started laughing hysterically because I knew exactly who it was from and exactly why she sent it (besides as an effort to get me to stop cutting).

2) A Funny Card
My friend Elissa had to bring me some clothes when I was hospitalized. She asked on the phone if she'd get to see me and give me a hug, and I told her they would simply make her leave the clothes at the front desk. So, she made another stop just to buy me a funny card and also wrote a sweet note inside about how she was proud of me for getting help and all the progress I was making. It was a pleasant surprise to find it sitting on my bed with my clothes when the nurse left it in my room!

3) Coca-Cola
One of the worst parts of being hospitalized is that they don't provide you with soda pop (or really any form of caffeine). When I got out of the hospital in November, though, I found a note in the driver seat of my minivan that said, "Go enjoy a post-hospitalization Coke on me...and maybe some ice cream, too," and had a gift card to Sonic attached to it. I couldn't believe one of my friends had gone to such an effort just to make sure I could get a soda on my way home.

4) A Daily Reminder That "You Are Enough"
The week of my 30th birthday was especially difficult and I was very depressed and having suicidal thoughts all week. On Thursday morning, I walked to my desk and noticed a tumbler sitting on my laptop with a post-it note on top. "Happy Early Birthday! Love You, Reedy," it said. The tumbler said, "You are enough...a thousand times enough." I cried, went and found her, and gave her a huge hug while crying. I couldn't believe a co-worker would go to such efforts for me, and I don't know if she really knew how much that meant.

5) All the Little Things
It means so much when people do even the smallest of things. I am always touched by random text messages asking me how I'm doing or saying things like, "Been thinking about you today! Hope you are feeling alright!" I've had more than one occasion where I've come to work and someone has brought me Starbucks (everyone knows I'm obsessed). I'm also always thankful for smiles, pats on the back, or hugs: physical touch is #2 on my Love Languages. Sometimes I think people do things without even realizing, but they mean the world to someone who struggles with depression when they are having a low day.

Even in Pain There is Purpose

“Remember, Megan, everything in life at this moment is just as it should be.”

She continued to look at me as she lightly patted her dog, Denver, until I made eye contact.

“There is always a cause and reason, even if we do not know or understand in the present moment. The world is gentle to us…”

“I know…I know…but I can’t help but feeling like in this moment that the world is beating me senseless…”

She laughed and continued to pet Denver. He seemed to be uncaring about anything that was going on in the room and continued to enjoy the comfort of his dog bed. She paused for a moment and I took that as my cue to apologize.

“Sorry I kind of just handed you a giant, twisted mess…”

“No, no, it’s okay, I just needed a moment to think. Your feelings are valid and make complete sense. Everything in our lives serves a purpose though and pushes us towards growth and enlightenment. Even in moments of great pain, there is a purpose.”


…everything in life at this moment is just how it should be…

I’ve spent the last two and a half months trying to wrap my brain around the why of L just walking out on me. I’ve gone through moments of blame, moments of self-hatred and shame, moments of pain and anger, and moments of absolute heartache. I’ve done things impulsively, letting my emotional mind take over, trying to grab for control and a way to end the storm of emotions.

None of that has changed anything, though. None of it has given me anything that I could use to move on or repair the friendship. If anything, it’s simply left me spinning my tires and searching for reason that doesn’t exist. None of it has really made me feel any better.

A major part of DBT is acceptance. It’s more than just saying, “I accept,” like you casually do all the time with terms & conditions for an app download or a new credit card, though. It’s literally allowing yourself to believe that everything really is just as it should be and that you can only change what is in your control…the rest you must simply accept and let go.

I may never know what compelled L to be one of my best friends for over a decade than suddenly one day decide that I’m nothing to her and walk away with zero regret or concern. I may never understand how to forget her. I may never again feel comfortable in a room with her. I must, however, accept that she has decided to change the nature of our relationship without my consideration or input. I must accept that no matter what I do or say, her mind is made up and I cannot change her mind. I must accept that I love people more than they love me most of the time.

Here's what I accept today:
1) I accept that L and I are no longer friends.
2) I accept that I may never know why L left.
3) I accept that I will always care about her and love her.
4) I accept that this whole situation is just as it should be and part of my journey.


…even in pain there is a purpose…

Loss is painful. Acceptance can be painful. This whole situation is painful in so many ways. Yet, in a way, there’s a lot of beauty coming from the situation. There is a purpose, even if I don’t fully understand it yet. L coming into my life served a purpose just as much as her leaving me did. Every aspect of our relationship, every single day, every single event, every single emotion I felt…it all taught me something. She taught me so many things.

Here are a few of the purposes I can find for my friendship and loss with L:
1) I was reminded to not judge a book by its cover. L first came across as almost snobbish, self-centered, and that she was above me. The reality was very different and I’m so glad that I continued to be kind and talk to her to actually get to know the real L.
2) I found that I am not alone in many of my struggles with things like self-identity, feeling inadequate, discomfort with phone calls, wanting to be seen as someone worthy of attention, and being driven by my own thoughts and feelings. We shared so many anxieties, philosophies, and feelings. It was great to have someone in my life that I felt really understood me.
3) I probably wouldn’t be seeking the treatment path I am now if L hadn’t been in my life. She did lots of research, lots of pushing and convincing. L is the reason I started IOP as soon as I did, she’s a large part of the reason I went inpatient the first time, and she knew I was borderline before I did. Without L in my life at this critical time, none of that would have happened as it did.
4) I discovered that our fallout wasn’t an isolated incident—I have a history of similar behaviors and struggles with relationships in previous parts of my life. I never saw or understood in my adolescence, but as an adult who is in major treatment, I am finding the patterns and my therapist is determined to help me find the root of these issues so that I can improve and become better for the future.


In this moment, I choose to accept. In this moment, I choose to let go. In this moment, I see what blessings have come out of this time of darkness. I’m learning so much about myself, I’ve found some great friends both (during my treatment and because of my treatment) that are becoming very positive lights for me and helping me see the way out of the darkness. In this moment, I choose to accept. In this moment, I choose to let go. In this moment, I choose to live.

Goodbye, L...I choose to let you go.