Dear Friends,
If you are reading this, then it means either one of two things: 1) I sent this to you directly or 2) You just know how to access my full blog and aren't just reading the posts I share on Facebook. If #2 is you, please stop here. If I did send you this link directly via text, please keep reading.
Some of you I can remember the exact moment we became friends, some I can just tell you a general story or timeline. Regardless, if you are reading this, you are a rare breed and it means I trust you with my heart and with knowing very inner details. If you are reading this, then I've been relying on you very heavily over the last several months. You've probably seen me struggle, maybe seen me cry. You've probably gotten at least a few hugs, some crazy text messages, and at least one or two thank you cards. Sadly some of you have endured a little more of the hardship than others, but you've all shared a common thing: you've been here for me during some dark days. For that, I thank all 5 of you (or 6 if I decided to send this to Casey).
I have had a hard time really using my words lately, though. Some of you have tried to get me to talk and nothing comes out, some have asked me things and I've told you partial truths in an attempt to protect your heart from more hurt, some of you have seen me completely try to cover up the pain by being overly happy and crazy. But you all know I'm struggling. In your heart, you are worried. I am too.
Friends, there are nights where I sit up and think that the pains in my heart are too much to continue to bear. There are days I wake up and think about what it might be like to never see the end of the day. There are bridges that I've considered would be good for jumping...pills I've thought might do the job if I take enough...box cutter I've tried to steal. Friends, I don't even know why these things cross my mind! I can go days without these thoughts at all, but I can also have days like today (technically yesterday) where it literally consumes my brain to the point where I can't even remember half the other events of the day.
I do not want to share this with you as a means of scaring you (although trust me I am terrified you will all want to just walk away from this heavy load and it makes my heart hurt more to put this stress on your shoulders). I am sharing this because I love all of you and I need your help. I don't trust myself at this point, friends. The fact that Jennifer & Bridgett spent almost an hour of their afternoon trying to get me to hand them a box cutter and ask me multiple times if I would be safe going home is a problem. I have a problem. I am not making sane, rational decisions.
But there's no reason one or two or even there of you should bear this load alone. So, I am giving you all permission to communicate with each other, even though you don't even all know each other. I am happy to help facilitate this if you need since you don't even all know each other's last names. You don't have to do this, but I am giving you all the option to do so if you want without me getting mad if I find out. Some of you see me more frequently than others. One of you lives hours away. One of you sleeps in the same bed with me (I decided this is how to tell you because I couldn't handle it earlier...sorry, Casey!). Again, I'm not saying that you have to watch my every move 24-7, but I am telling you that you need to take all of your training into consideration and that I will admit I am depressed and struggling at moments with thoughts of suicide.
How can I think about ending my life? Why would I do such a terrible thing? Trust me when I say, I am not rational when these thoughts come. I love all of you, I love Casey, I love the girls with all my heart and soul, I love my students, I love the other few friends that I am not sharing this with (let's be honest, this just isn't something Elissa would handle well and the few other friends people don't even know lots of details of anything). Please don't mistake any of this for me not giving consideration to all of those people listed! Please don't for a minute think that I want to hurt any of you! I don't! These thoughts just come and go, they almost sort of poison my brain to a point where I'm not thinking about all these beautiful people in my beautiful life, I'm only thinking the self absorbed things. I feel worthless a lot. I feel insignificant. I feel like our relationships are all one sided with you always having to listen to me, save the day for me, plan a girls night because I asked us to do it, pick up the slack for me because I didn't do what I should. I feel overwhelmed with a sadness that I don't even understand. I have a heavy heart that sometimes makes my chest fill with a deep pain and weight that fills my throat with things so that I can't even speak.
So what happens now? That's what you all have been reading to hear, anxiously hanging on these words to know what I'm going to say or do next. Well, I'm taking my antidepressant everyday. My follow up appointment is on September 12 because my doctor said it could take that long for the medicine to have a full enough effect to know if it's helping or if we need a higher dose. I'm keeping a daily journal (where I'm listing "biggest stressers," "biggest happy moments," "things that influenced my mood/emotions," and any other relevant notes for the day) in hopes of eventually trying to find some patterns. I think Bridgett is right and I need to ACTUALLY find a therapist, not just keep vaguely telling all of you that I'm considering it...so one of you give me a reasonable deadline for that and hold me to it. You've probably read my post (if not, go back two posts...the post before this is just a poem that, uh...) about things I'm doing at work to work on stress. I'm telling all of you all of this as my way of asking for help and hoping that you are willing to help me.
Again, I can't express how very sorry I am that you all are getting thrown into this chaos in my head. I hope that you will all remember the things that first made you want to be my friend and hold onto those...because I want to get those things back so you can enjoy them again! I want to be fun! I want to make you all laugh! I want to be loud and not care who sees me act a fool! I want us to play games and have fun! I want us to go on roadtrips! I want us to hug, talk, walk the track, go shopping...all the things! So please keep loving me! My heart aches knowing what I'm doing to you all right now. I am so deeply sorry and wish there was another way or that I could just take all the pain and put it on my shoulders so none of you had to feel any!
But right now I need to ask you to be vigilant. I need you to make me tell you how I'm REALLY feeling. I need you to not be afraid to look me in the eye and tell me to stop. I need you to fight to bring me back to reality. I need you to hug me, to hold me, to love me. I need you to take any means necessary to keep me alive. I know I'm asking a lot in all of this, but you all keep telling me how worth it I am...so I know you'll help. Again, though, this is a big load and none of you need to do it alone! I'm telling all of you so that you have the same support network that I do every single day! It's a beautiful network of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life! You are all too amazing, too beautiful, too lovely for words. I've started praying, and I often thank God for putting each of you into my life.
Okay...maybe I can get a couple more hours of sleep...
All the love, my friends!
--Megan
No comments:
Post a Comment