Not All The Time, And Not Every Time

"You don't have to be perfect! Don't try, because it's just not going to happen."

Perfectionism is a major struggle for me. It's been something I have struggled with in my life as long as I can remember, all the way back to elementary school when I would try to work my tail off to try to get better scores than Kyle in math. I pushed myself to be perfect all through school, I would spend hours practicing my flute, I would even rewrite my notes for biology in high school so that they could all be color coated and neatly written in the same format. It's continued throughout my adult life. There's always little voices in my head, pushing me to give more and strive for the best while also screaming at me about what a failure I am and pointing out all of my shortcomings and faults. But, as I drove home Friday afternoon, I thought about what one of my dear friends said to me this afternoon: nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes and we grow. When someone you think the world of and highly respect says something like that to you, you should stop and listen.

But what does that look like to not strive for perfection? How do we reach a point where we can let go and accept less than perfect? I probably spend more time thinking about the perfect way to accomplish the task and beating myself up after the fact because it wasn't perfect than I do ACTUALLY DOING IT. I dwell on things for hours, days, sometimes weeks. Is it really as simple as just making the decision that you aren't going to do that anymore? Is it like releasing a balloon into the sky? Or will it take lots of time and effort, like cleaning out a storage closet that someone has filled with junk for 20+ years?

"You have to be a model for your girls!"

I am a terrible model for my children...I'm a terrible mother. I've spent nights crying over this. These girls are beautiful, intelligent, hilarious, creative, loving...and I'm going to ruin them before they become adults. I don't want that, though. I want to inspire them to live their dreams and reach for the stars if they want. I want to encourage them, love them, comfort them, provide for them. I want them to see that they don't have to be perfect. I want them to see it is okay to cry. I want them to love and be loved. I don't want them to have to walk through the fire and get burned, I don't want them to ever hurt. But how can I do these things when I am so toxic?

I kept thinking about all of this throughout the day Saturday. I tried SO hard to let go and just BE. I talked to my girls. We had a dance party in the middle of the living room with music that I let them choose. The 4 of us went to a playground and I watched them laugh, encouraged them to face their fears, and even went down a few slides with them myself and tickled them at the bottom. We played with dolls, I held them when they asked, I read books to them. I watched them make beautiful drawings and then asked them to tell me about them so I could see through their eyes. I gave them kisses and told them I loved them. But was that enough? Will that ever be enough? And, through it all, I struggled. I kept hearing those voices in my head pointing out all the times I'd messed up throughout the day, all the ways I could have made the day even better, all the ways I was less than perfect.

"Stop with the negative self talk!"

Struggling with being a perfectionist is one thing: it's hard to be perfect. I add to that, though, by setting myself up for defeat before I even begin by constantly putting myself down. I think sometimes people don't realize because I do seem to give a vibe of confidence and carelessness for what people think. Deep down, though, I care...a WHOLE LOT. So, I constantly think and worry. I look in the mirror and I never like what I see, physically and otherwise.

Casey and I talked about this in the car on Sunday as we drove to Wal-Mart to get things for my classroom projects, trying to figure out when this voice of negativity and self doubt really started. It's been for as long as I can remember. I've always thought of myself as unattractive ("ugly"), unintelligent ("dumb," "stupid"), non-conforming ("nerd," "dork," "loser"), and just generally not worthy of time or attention.

This has to end, though. I have to accept myself and be okay with who and what I am. But how does one go about this? How do you love yourself? How do you have peace with your flaws and shortcomings? How does accepting yourself and seeing what others see really happen?

"Not all the time, and not every time."

Although this phrase has been stolen from sources and was actually used regarding something at an PD event I went to over the summer, it's been ringing in my head a lot over the weekend as I process and digest my life and the events that recently took place.

I think that as I work through all of my personal struggles, as I work on who I really am, this phase needs to be almost a daily chant just as much as my daily prayer that God help me let go and follow His purpose. There's so much in these words!

"But I have to be perfect!"
Not all the time, not every time.
"But I need to do more!"
Not all the time, not every time.
"But I need to be a better mother!"
Not all the time, not every time.
"But I'm ugly and a terrible person!"
Not all the time, not every time.
"I'm a failure!"
Not all the time, not every time.
"I am a terrible friend!"
Not all the time, not every time.

So, my friends, just bear with me! Together we will make it to higher ground and sunny weather. Maybe not all the time, maybe not every time...but there will be a time...and I'd like to think the journey and the company are worth it all.