"13 Reasons Why"

I did it: I jumped on the bandwagon and watched "13 Reasons Why." It took me over a month to get through all the episodes: I just finished the last episode this morning (I'm going to recommend you don't watch the last episode while eating breakfast...). Between the hype, the criticism, and just the sheer amounts of talking about the show that I've seen, I figured it won't be a big deal if I jump on that bandwagon as well and write a post about things.

Let's start with all of the criticism that the show has gotten because it is "romanticizing" something that is a very serious matter. I don't see anything romantic or enticing about anything that happens on the show. Yes, it gets very realistic. Yes, it makes you uncomfortable. But, no, it doesn't make any of the topics it shows (rape, bullying, suicide) look elegant or appealing at all. If you think that, then I am going to go out on a limb here and say that you've never experienced any of those things yourself. You don't get the big picture. You don't really understand. You missed the whole point of the show. The point of the show was 1) to bring a book to life, 2) to shed some light onto some topics that stay in the dark, 3) hopefully help inform people on what to look out for in teens.

People have also discussed how appropriate it would be for a teen to watch the show. Personally I have a false outlook on censorship because my parents were not ones to restrict what we watched or read. I remember reading things like "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret" in 4th grade, "Angus, Thongs, and Full Frontal Snogging," when it came out (middle school), and my mom telling me I needed to read "Go Ask Alice" in middle school as well because it would scare me away from drugs...which that totally did. It wasn't uncommon to watch an R rated movie with my parents on the weekend, either. It just wasn't a big deal. But, even with that upbringing, I think if the girls wanted to watch it in their teens, I would have the stipulation that their dad & I needed to watch it with them. I'd also watch it myself first, just to check it out...that's what any parent should do with anything they question.


Now, as far as how the show does actually portraying things...

Does the show portray an accurate dynamic of high school society? In my opinion, yes in many ways. I am impressed with how many people actually get to interact with the "popular kids" and how often Hannah ends up involved with them, but then again since most of that is to be taken advantage of or to be humiliated, seems legit. I was not a popular kid in middle school or high school: I was a band and theater nerd who took all the honors and AP classes offered. I do, however remember being used by popular people: sometimes it was a false friendship used to later embarrass me, sometimes it was bullying me to help with an assignment, sometimes it was flat out just stealing my work or copying me. I remember being so heavily guarded and not really opening up to people. I remember trying to put on a fake appearance. I remember trying to pretend things didn't bother me (or didn't happen at all). And those aspects of Hannah in the show are dead accurate.

Does the show do an accurate job with topics like abuse & rape? I think they genuinely tried to do so. I believe with both Jessica and Hannah that the feelings after are 100% great. Jessica tries to live in denial at first. Both of the girls struggle to tell anyone. That's real. Who do you tell? Who can you trust? What will they say? Won't they be mad? Won't they judge? There's too many people who would have a reaction like Mr. Porter and try to throw it into the realm of consent. The "Behind the Reasons" segment they did really hits the nail on the head of something I think we don't do correctly as a society: we don't teach what consent is. We don't tell boys (and girls) that they need to ASK if it's okay...and ask in a real way...ask when the heat of passion isn't consuming you both. But here's the deal: if one party says "NO" then it needs to end there, and that's the other part we need to teach. NO. NO. NO. No does not mean giving a response of something like, "Oh, come on! You know you want to!" or "Don't you love me?" or "You'll enjoy it...I'll show you!" or "Shhhh...just let me..." NONE OF THAT IS OKAY EVER!

Does the show make the suicide a reality? Yes. All of the thoughts that go through her head, all of the details, all the little things...that's realistic. The reaching out before, just trying to see if someone will save you...I think that's real as well. But it's hard. Did Hannah really allow herself to be saved? No. Did she do things to try (in her own way) of letting people know she was hurting? Yes. I think there's a lot in the scene with Clay & Mr. Porter that helps you understand. Hannah wasn't perfect and she had shortcomings in really trying to get help, but at the same time, nobody really took what they saw and heard seriously enough to really try to save her.

I can't imagine the pain. I couldn't watch the scene. Even with some poor choices I made in my past with similar objects, I don't know that I could have cut that deeply. I have a low tolerance for pain, though. But I think that was the point...you didn't want to watch that scene...it was too much...too painful to picture...

The show is not for the light of heart. The show is not something to watch with small children ever. The show is not going to give you giggles or warm fuzzies. Some of ways they set up shooting scenes with the camera angles and shot frames is kind of annoying. But there's so much in this short series. There's so much. So, SO much.

I'm not sure what they are going to do with a Season 2, but I also haven't read the book. So if it makes sense with the book, then okay. If not...then...why????

Believe

Today marked the closing of the books on Year #6 of my teaching career today. It still seems like yesterday that I was driving all over the state, interviewing for countless jobs. After 6 years, I still feel "fresh off the boat" on my skills and teaching ability. I feel like I still struggle and am not doing the absolute best.

All that self-doubt aside, the interactions I had today left me feeling teary-eyed and very humbled. I had an alumni come to visit. I had so many students come to wish me a great summer, get a hug, or say goodbye. I got so many sweet gifts and cards. And here's what I kept seeing over and over: things like,
"Thank you for believing in me!"
"Thank you for teaching me so much about music!"
"Thank you for encouraging me!"
"Thank you for challenging me!"

...all of the sweet words that made my heart sing! It's like, without even saying how defeated and discouraged I have felt lately about my performance, the kids knew exactly what I needed to hear to start my summer and push me to really want to hit the ground running on how I can be a better teacher for them next year.

Summer will be a time to relax and recharge, yes. But summer will also be a time to reflect and refine. Every year I resolve to have an even better year than the previous, and with a little guidance and these words from my students, I think I can do this. I just have to believe...in myself for once.

I Remember What You Did Last Summer...

As a child, I remember that constant feeling of dread that came at the last week of school. Always the question I feared: what would summer bring? I always knew the answer, and like clockwork it never seemed to fail. Every summer was the same: plans would be loosely set with friends ("I will have my mom call your mom and we will have a sleepover..."), lots of books would be consumed, and by the end of summer I would be left with nothing to read and pretty much no friends. So then it would be time to go back to school and start all over.

As an adult, let's be honest, I have a very small circle of friends. I've had the same 3 best friends for nearly 10 years now (see posts like "Memphis" for mention of them). I've got another friend or two that are good for getting lunch or coffee with once a month or so in the summer, mostly chat about general things. And, this year for the first time pretty much ever, I've made amazing friends at work who have surpassed the level of co-worker and entered the actual friend zone where I don't feel I have to be guarded or hide who I really am.

But buried inside there's that fear again...what will summer bring? There's been loose plans set again ("We can all take our kids to the duck pond! We can watch Moulin Rouge and teach you how to braid hair!"). I realize that adult friends are different...but am I any different?

I'm a whole mess of crazy. I'm definitely a nerd. I'm even more than an odd duck. I just have to wonder...what do people really think of me?

I've always struggled with that fear of what people really think of me. I guess years of being laughed at and talked about will do that to you? So now it's always there, always on my brain. I am aware that I am just overly paranoid...but am I really?

I just...I hope this summer is not a childhood summer. I hope that this Eve of my 30th birthday is a great summer filled with laughter and friendship. This broken soul can't take much more right now.

Listen

I'm not a "wait and see" kind of gal. I don't like the unexpected. I don't like chaos. I like order. I like organization. I like plans...I really like plans...plans set months, no years, in advance. I need purpose. I need direction. I need guides.

These last 6 months have really sent my brain into overdrive. So much has happened that wasn't part of my master plan for life; there's been so many moments of unexpected chaos and turmoil that I have done more than just struggle. My life plan, my main purposes and desires, have all been thrown offkilter to a point that I am not even sure how to best recover. So I asked those wiser than me, "What do I do now? What's next?"


"I think this should be a time of listening and reflecting for you. When you're searching for what's next so frantically, you can make choices you question for a long time. Don't let your feeling like you need to fill a void trick you into doing something drastic. Take some time to look around for what's in front of you. Or, as I was famous at East Side for saying, calm that down!"

So today, as I stood at the gas pump at the BP at the corner of Florence & Manson, holding my breath and crossing my toes that my credit card wouldn't get declined for buying a tank of gas, I listened. I felt the wind gently touch my face and ungracefully scoop up my hair. I thought about how different that moment would be if I was 23 weeks pregnant. I would have been doing more than just holding my breath about that credit card and wishing it was Friday (payday), that's for sure.

I also thought about how different that moment would be if I would have been still teaching at Unity. I wouldn't have even been at that intersection...I would have been at the gas station in Shelbyville. It was in all that thinking, all that listening, that I began to hear what the real point was: this is exactly where I need to be right now. This is my life.

Although my heart may ache for another baby to be growing in my womb, it's not the time. Although I may have had a lot of drama and difficulty lately, I am at the right school. Although money may be tight, we are comfortable and have all that we need. Although I may not be at my best, I have people around me who know exactly how to help and have been given to me for a purpose.

I don't consider myself to be an overly religious person (my husband and I both have similar feelings about organized religion...maybe another post another day...), but I am positive that there is a reason for that moment of clarity today. Sometimes we can try to plan out every detail of our life, but there's always going to be a curve ball we probably can't avoid. So, today I needed to just breathe; I just needed to listen.

"Mom Day" Guilt and All the Feels

Today is Mother's Day, another wonderful Hallmark Holiday created to celebrate those we call "mom." I think sometimes, though, people don't exactly stop and think about all the ways this holiday could impact those around them. The world isn't always so simple, and this year especially I am feeling a little sensitive to that. While mothers can be wonderful​ people, there's always some who break the mold of what our society tries to sell us as "picture perfect life":

1) What about those without mothers? Maybe their mother has passed away, maybe they were raised by a single dad, maybe a grandparent or other relative. Maybe they were adopted and don't know how to express those feelings.

2) What about those with mothers who were not great? Maybe there was abuse, maybe there was little love, maybe mom walked out on the family, maybe there were addictions, maybe there were mental illnesses that prevented their mother to actually care for them properly.

3) What about those who aren't mothers? Some struggle with infertility or child loss. Some may not have the means to add a child to their family even if they desire. What about those who have recently suffered a miscarriage and are still healing? What about those who haven't had that opportunity yet?

Just remembered that sometimes the things that bring you joy may not do the same for others. You may not even understand, but try to realize that there are parts of life that are complicated. Sometimes we just need to show love and compassion. Sometimes we just need to offer a listening ear or a hug. Sometimes we just may never really understand what it is like on another's life path.

Know that I am always here for those who are near and dear to my heart. We can all help support each other, celebrate together, and console those who need it. All the love, especially today to all those ladies out there.

I'll Take it to My Grave

It's funny to think what your tombstone might say. Personally, I don't want to be buried. I've always thought about what happens while your body rots underground. Think about the bugs. Think about the smells. Think about the time it will take to decompose and then your bones will just sit there in the casket. What's the point?  Just burn my body in a hot fire and call it done. Like a Jedi.

Regardless, if I had a tombstone, what would it say? Who decides what sounds good? Is it honest? Is it accurate? Is it for me or for those who live on? Would it be about my job...my family...my friends...my passions...my temper? What I put on everything now is "Super Teacher, Wonder Mom, Flute Extraordinaire, and All Around Dynamite Gal." 

Is that even accurate though? Super Teacher...not hardly, especially this semester. Wonder Mom...nope...more like, Lucky Her Kids Aren't Dead Mom. Flute Extraordinaire...ha...ha...ha. And the last...I'm a gal, that's about all.

Maybe it should say, "Weird ass bitch who went crazy." There. That's it.

But then there's all the things you have in your brain when you die...what happens to those words, thoughts, regrets, ideas, plans, actions not yet in motion? Think of all the things people just take to their graves, whether they wanted to do so or not. Secrets...are they really secrets?

See, I've been remembering the past a lot lately. All the words, lies, hands touching me...

I wish I could find that STUPID Facebook message you sent me a few years ago. Like, after all these years, finally admitting that you ABUSED ME for YEARS would change something. I guess if it helped you move on with your life, then fine. Move on. I told you that I had. 

But you can't erase that. Not really. You can just bury it down deep and hope that nothing ever tries to dig it back up. Like grave robbers...you hope that Granny's grave isn't tampered with, right?

I'm not really sure what was worse, though. Was it all the notes where you wrote all of the unspeakable things you wanted to do? All the fantasies you would make up? Was it all the times you told me I was trash and all the horrible threats you made when I tried to say no or tried to make it stop? Was it all the times you told me "Shhhh...." and violated me? Was it when you fooled my friends? Was it when I couldn't focus on my studies and let my grades drop? Was it the fights you got into when someone else tried to follow in your footsteps because I was "easy" and "hot"? Was it when you did everything you could to ruin me when I finally had enough? Was it the times you'd come to school showing me what you'd done to yourself the night before because I told you I was done? Was it all the things you told others about me? Was it the years I spent trying to recover? In the end, it's still my fault...I let it happen...

But, alas, no amount of pills, no amount of blood dripping from my arms...none of it really made that go away. I will always hate you. ALWAYS.

......................is this one of the things I get to take to my grave? My hatred? My fear for my daughters of falling for someone like you at an innocent and awkward age? The fantasies I had of killing you? Of killing myself so I didn't have to think about it anymore?

FUCK YOU! That's what I'm taking to my grave.

Crawling

I can't even explain this week with my vocabulary.  There were some definite lows (more on that below) and a couple unexpected highs (I may save that for another post). I see the signs and patterns, though: it's all going back to a time that I thought I had overcome.

They say that things like PTSD and depression are lifelong illnesses. I always kind of thought that it would be a phase I would pass through and then move on with my life, however, I am beginning to think that the former is the real truth for me. The unexpected is even becoming triggers...I have had several unexpected trips down a memory lane that I had never wished to return after running away.

I'm tired of being dark and gloomy: it's not me...is it? I like to think of myself (or at least my adult self) as positive, encouraging, friendly, passionate, loyal, truthful. But sometimes you just feel that itching, that crawling under the skin that makes you want to rip your hair out. In fact, just this evening I was reminded of a song from that former time that somewhat fits me this past week: "Crawling" by Linkin Park (lyrics below)

I hate that I have to be vague on my own personal blog, but after seeing how many readers were coming when I would share the post on Facebook, I want to see what happens if I don't do that first before letting it all out...if I can even explain...

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There's something inside me
That pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear
Is never ending, controlling

I can't seem to find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence)
(I'm convinced that there's)
(Just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before so insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled
Itself upon me distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence)
(I'm convinced that there's)
(Just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before so insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing, confusing what is real

There's something inside me
That pulls beneath the surface
Consuming
(Confusing what is real)
This lack of self control I fear
Is never ending, controlling
(Confusing what is real)