All I've ever wanted in life is to belong somewhere. That sounds easy enough, doesn't it? To have your "tribe," your "crew," people who accept you, who love you, who get you. Humans were made to be social creatures; we weren't built to stand alone.
Yet, in a fundamental way, that's how I've always felt: alone. I didn't fit with the "brilliant kids" because I wasn't gifted. I never fit with the "average kids" because I cared too much about pretty much everything. I wasn't popular because I was a nerd. I wasn't coordinated enough to be athletic, I was entirely too ugly to be considered even mildly attractive. Even the band kids thought I was weird, even the drama kids thought I was too dramatic. Sure, I had friends, but often times even they would laugh or give me perplexed looks.
Everyone said that things would improve as I grew. Middle School is awkward. High school is all a big show. College is a formality and your 20s is all about self-discovery. Being a new parent is overwhelming but you get the hang of it. The first year of marriage is the hardest. Yep, I've heard it all.
But it never gets better.
I'm not talented and confident enough to really fit in with the other band directors in the district. I'm not flexible and creative enough to feel like I fit with the arts team at my school. I watch teachers every single day do amazing things, and I just don't feel like I am worthy. My students laugh often, but it's more because of how out of touch and nerdy I am, not because I'm funny. Then there's my friends: they are amazing, but even they admit they don't always understand me. I'm not a "super mom" like all the other mothers at our preschool, and I have a hard time talking to any of them ever.
Yes, I know, comparison is the thief of joy, but this isn't about comparing how I stack up to others. It is about the fact that I feel like the odd duck in literally every aspect of my life. I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know where I belong.
That's all I've ever really wanted: love, validation, belonging. I want to feel like I'm a part of something, someone. I want to feel like I am free and that who I am is who I am meant to be.
The weird thing is, that for the first time I my life, I have found the places where I feel like I fit, but it's not the places I expected. I could spend hours there, I feel comfortable even when I'm deep inside my emotions and my crazy thoughts. I have people who seem to actually understand me, who never judge me, and who remind me not to judge myself. I always feel better when I leave these places, when I see these people. I love the smells, the sounds. Where are these miraculous utopias I've found? They are my therapist's office, the intensive outpatient program, and "my unit" in the psych hospital.
I know that sounds completely ridiculous that the only places I feel at home are the places there to try to help me heal from my illness, but it's completely true. My therapist (who is one of the most amazing people I've ever met and has the a wonderful dog) doesn't tell me to "stop being dramatic" or that I'm "too emotional" because she knows that I have borderline personality disorder. The people I was grouped with for the IOP program never pointed out all the mistakes I was making or how they were better than me because we were all in recovery. Nobody in the unit judged me for my scars because many had their own.
I'm still often the square peg in the round hole, but I'm no longer alone.
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