What My Husband's Mania Looks Like

I've cohabitated with my husband for over 10 years now. We've been through our share of ups and downs, highs and lows. One struggle that stays consistent, though, is my husband's manic episodes.

My husband was diagnosed with Bipolar II, or bipolar depression, before we met in college. I've experienced him both medicated and unmedicated, in various stages of mind and emotions. I think that mania looks different in each individual, but luckily for me his mania stays fairly consistent in appearance.

Usually it starts with random projects, deep cleaning, or deciding it's time to declutter. He will often avoid conversation and even become agressive if interrupted. He usually is unable to stay focused on the initial task, though, so the house quickly becomes filled with work stations or tasks that he floats in between.

I have to choose my actions and my words carefully during these times: not only because I may disturb his flow or be misunderstood, but also because I can end up interpreting his reactions more extremely than he meant and start having my own enraged impulsivity because of my borderline personality disorder.

I've learned how to recognize these episodes (finally), and I try my best to just allow him to work through them while I keep our two daughters engaged and out of his path as best I can. I'm not always sure how to help him or improve what he's feeling, but through my dialectical behavior therapy I've learned to use mindfulness and distress tolerance skills to help myself stay calm, collected, and rational.

When I used to talk to my friends about these times, I found they often didn't understand. They would tell me that I didn't deserve to be treated poorly, that I shouldn't have to put up with these behaviors. Which, if he was intentionally acting this way, may very well be true. As I learn about my own behaviors that my BPD causes, though, I know that there are two sides to the coin here: like my extreme emotions and instability, his manic episodes are not who he is, nor are they something that is completely in his control. I also know that he is currently making efforts to improve: he is back to taking medication on a regular schedule, he is seeing an individual therapist, and he is taking time to stop and recognize his own emotions and actions with labels. This awareness will, in time, help us both to cope and support each other.