"You've Got Yourself Stuck in a Moment..."

It's just been one of those weeks. Everything's on fire and I'm just watching the world burn. I've been a terrible teacher, terrible mother, terrible wife, terrible friend, terrible everything. I can't seem to get my act together...I can't seem to focus on a fucking thing.

I need motivation; I need a muse. I think I've just had too many soul crushing blows to my world this year. I'd rather just lay lifeless on the ground at this point because that seems safer than running the risk of taking another blow.

Maybe it's just that time of the year. I just want to go back to feeling productive. I want to feel successful. I want to feel like I am cultivating and growing things in the minds of my students and my own children. I want to make music with "the blood" (Mozart in the Jungle, anyone?) and passion you can hear, see, feel, maybe even taste. I want to see my students beam with pride. I want to hear my daughters laugh.

What does one do when the emotions paint a landscape of black and blue? How do we fight the darkness? When will this feeling that it's not enough go away? I need to stop yelling, need to stop blaming, need to just...stop...

"You've got to get yourself together,
You got yourself stuck in a moment,
and you can't get out of it."

Tonight I am going to sleep. Tomorrow I am going to wake up, step in the shower, and wash it all off: wash away the anger and the fear, wipe myself clean of the guilt and depression, rinse away the pain and the hate. Then I will get dressed, trying to remember the key things: a smile, listening ears, understanding and forgiveness, love and compassion. Hopefully we will make music, be it good or bad. Hopefully my students will laugh at least once. Maybe they will be off task at least once. Hopefully I will not yell or glare or scrunch my eyebrows even once.

I have to get out of this moment...it's time to break free.