My miscarriage in February of this year triggered a major depressive episode. I started feeling lost, empty, purposeless. As my emotions became increasingly overwhelming, I began reaching for my small group of friends more than ever. I found myself leaning on one friend more than the rest. We'd been friends for over a decade, and we'd been through a lot together: college, marriages, job hunts, pregnancies, changes...we'd supported each other through it all. This time, it was my turn to need support, and I knew she'd be there. Before I knew it, I found myself texting her all day, every day. She started reading about depression after a miscarriage or child loss, how to help people who are suicidal, people who self-harm. I needed her, and she promised she'd be there.
...until she wasn’t…
Sometimes when your feelings are already a ball of chaos, your find yourself even overwhelmed and uncertain what you really feel about your "favorite person." Sometimes you throw yourself at them so strongly that they don't know how to react. Sometimes you crush them with the weight of being your everything. Sometimes you do stupid things just to test the limits with them. Sometimes you aren't even really sure what you are doing anymore, you just feel like you need them...they become like a drug to you...completely intoxicating and you crave them constantly, hang on their every word.
I'd been pushing for a while. I'd put her through a lot: calling 911, taking me to appointments, sitting with me twice while I admitted myself to the psychiatric hospital when I had suicide plans, asking and saying confusing things. As we texted before bed one night, I said something I’d said to her many times before: “I love you.”
“Get some rest. You’ll feel better about things tomorrow. Goodnight, friend.”
…and that’s when I exploded…
Two weeks later we met with my individual therapist to have a mediator so she could feel safe asking for some space. I'm trying really hard to respect her request without just ghosting her, but I’m not sure really where to go from here. Nobody else in my life can replace that friendship. My therapist said I need to decide if I want her back in my life after our “break.” But can you ever really control yourself and draw boundaries with you "favorite person" when you know that you always jump in all or nothing? Can anyone ever understand how it feels to have a person that you feel so completely connected and dependent on that your emotions run together? Can I ever possibly survive without her? Do I want to survive without her?
Over the last week, I’ve found myself being brave and taking risks. I’ve made choices and just accepted them. Things I would normally have asked her about I find myself just choosing to do or not. I’ve kept my suicidal thoughts under control and I’ve managed to use my coping skills when I start to feel the emotions boiling over. I’ve talked to people less, I’ve slept more. I’ve had some difficulty talking to my other friends because I can't seem to not be drawn to talking about her and they have asked to not do that or they've defended her and I've snapped at their criticism.
I know that it's not healthy to have a "Favorite Person" and to dive so deeply into things with anyone, but I've never managed to find a way to control that part of me. Almost every friendship or relationship throughout my life that I look back on, I see the same scene: I dive in completely and cling to them constantly until they can't take it anymore and push away. I did it in first grade, I did it with my first "boyfriend," and I do it as an adult. Eat, sleep, repeat.
It always ends the same...with me losing my "favorite person" yet again.
...until she wasn’t…
Sometimes when your feelings are already a ball of chaos, your find yourself even overwhelmed and uncertain what you really feel about your "favorite person." Sometimes you throw yourself at them so strongly that they don't know how to react. Sometimes you crush them with the weight of being your everything. Sometimes you do stupid things just to test the limits with them. Sometimes you aren't even really sure what you are doing anymore, you just feel like you need them...they become like a drug to you...completely intoxicating and you crave them constantly, hang on their every word.
I'd been pushing for a while. I'd put her through a lot: calling 911, taking me to appointments, sitting with me twice while I admitted myself to the psychiatric hospital when I had suicide plans, asking and saying confusing things. As we texted before bed one night, I said something I’d said to her many times before: “I love you.”
“Get some rest. You’ll feel better about things tomorrow. Goodnight, friend.”
…and that’s when I exploded…
Two weeks later we met with my individual therapist to have a mediator so she could feel safe asking for some space. I'm trying really hard to respect her request without just ghosting her, but I’m not sure really where to go from here. Nobody else in my life can replace that friendship. My therapist said I need to decide if I want her back in my life after our “break.” But can you ever really control yourself and draw boundaries with you "favorite person" when you know that you always jump in all or nothing? Can anyone ever understand how it feels to have a person that you feel so completely connected and dependent on that your emotions run together? Can I ever possibly survive without her? Do I want to survive without her?
Over the last week, I’ve found myself being brave and taking risks. I’ve made choices and just accepted them. Things I would normally have asked her about I find myself just choosing to do or not. I’ve kept my suicidal thoughts under control and I’ve managed to use my coping skills when I start to feel the emotions boiling over. I’ve talked to people less, I’ve slept more. I’ve had some difficulty talking to my other friends because I can't seem to not be drawn to talking about her and they have asked to not do that or they've defended her and I've snapped at their criticism.
I know that it's not healthy to have a "Favorite Person" and to dive so deeply into things with anyone, but I've never managed to find a way to control that part of me. Almost every friendship or relationship throughout my life that I look back on, I see the same scene: I dive in completely and cling to them constantly until they can't take it anymore and push away. I did it in first grade, I did it with my first "boyfriend," and I do it as an adult. Eat, sleep, repeat.
It always ends the same...with me losing my "favorite person" yet again.
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