An issue with my medications at the pharmacy last night resulted in a pretty major meltdown or "episode" for me. I got swept up inside myself and emotions, then ended up thinking and doing some fairly stupid things. Even trying to just sleep it off didn't work and I tossed and turned in my bed for hours before finally having a seriously strange dream that I was sentenced to life in prison and everyone stopped visiting me except one friend and my therapist.
The thing is, when I have these episodes, I'm not sure what's really worse: the episode itself or the morning after. What does the day after one of my episodes feel like?
The worst hangover of my life.
It is a battle to even get out of bed and put my feet on the ground. I stand in the shower, just letting the water run down my body, hoping I can wash away the feeling of worthlessness and disgust. I want to curl up with a blanket in a dark and empty room, but I force myself to get dressed and drive to work because I've already used all my sick days. I don't want to eat but I force myself to because I need to take my Effexor, Trintellix, and Hydroxyzine. When I get to work, I can't focus on anything, I go out of my way to avoid interaction with others. When I walk, my whole body tingles and twitches. Everything seems like a blur, I feel like I'm outside of myself just watching what should be my body.
I try to think about the night before and struggle. Should I call my friends or text them to apologize for the crazy, rambling things I sent throughout the night? Why did I even send them those messages? It's not their fault I'm this way...it's my own. Maybe I'll just pretend it didn't happen and send them a funny meme...or maybe I'll say nothing because I'm too afraid that this time I went to far and they'll abandon me...
I may try to eat lunch. Maybe I'll start to feel better after that, or maybe I won't. My husband will let me get away with ordering pizza or Chinese takeout for dinner because he knows that I feel like a zombie. Maybe I'll go to bed early, or maybe I won't. All I can hope is that when I wake up tomorrow that this day is gone. I hate myself on days like this...I hate that I can't be normal and handle even the smallest things like an issue at the pharmacy without lashing out either on others or myself. I hate this illness and the years of days like this both in my past and the ones that still wait in the future.
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