Tonight I feel like laughing at the contradictions of my current life. It is at times like these that I find myself completely baffled and confused about what the realities are and what are the lies. Sure, there may be truth in everything and opposing sides can coexist, but isn't there a limit to that?
I've been told I am hard working, dedicated, and good at my job. Yet here I am, getting fired. People say that I'm not a terrible person, that they care and will always be here. Yet, here I am finding myself being ignored and abandoned.
People cheat and lie constantly. Love and trust leave you broken hearted. Nobody really wants to help or keep your secrets, they just want to use it all against you later to make themselves look and feel better. Nobody honestly gives a fuck about anything but saving their own skin.
I feel too much. I care too much. I want too much. I love too much. I'm not allowed to have a bad day, I'm not allowed to be myself. If I help, people wonder why. If I love, people question my motives. And that's the thing...I don't have any. I'm not trying to get ahead or throw anyone under the bus. I just want to see others happy. I just want everyone to feel loved, understood, accepted, safe. I don't want anyone to ever have to feel the pain I feel almost every single day, the pain deep inside that eats away at me and makes me want to scream. Nobody deserves to feel that pain, that darkness, that eating away at your soul.
Except me.
I doubt that anything I ever say or do will make people truly care about me or accept me for who I am. I don't deserve to be loved or treated with kindness. I deserve to die.
But that's not allowed either. Because nothing is allowed for me. Everything I think, feel, desire, do is wrong.
I am wrong.
I am a mistake. A mistake that has to bear the torture of self-hatred every day for the rest of my life.
Maybe someday it will change?
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