"Plays with Blood"

In "Mozart in the Jungle," Maestro De Souza says that oboe player Hailey Rutledge "plays with blood." There's passion, desire, work, life all going into her playing. She's not the best oboe player in the world (she's good, but not the best even in the show), but sometimes that passion can mean more than technical skill. At least to me it means more: I've always felt that someone who plays with passion and desire gives more and gets more than a player who just has natural talent and doesn't put effort into their art.

Last night was one of the best concerts I've ever been a part of as both a conductor and as a musician. Not because every note, every rhythm, every dynamic, every articulation was perfect...because it wasn't. BUT, there was just something about HOW everyone was performing that made it almost magical. There was eye contact, there was response when I gave direction with my hands, arms, face. There was passion. There was desire. There was REAL effort: effort I've never seen before from some of those kids.  I think the highlight was a dramatic crescendo that leads into a gong hit then a caesura. The more my arms raised, the more the kids gave. The tension built to a point where I just couldn't help it: I literally jumped! It took my breath away; it gave me goosebumps. The audience started applauding while we paused before moving into the next section with a completely different tone.

As a conductor, those are the moments you live for: all eyes are on you and the ensemble is giving you EXACTLY what you are asking for. As an education, those are the moments you live for: the students execute their very best, apply what you've taught them, and succeed at their objective with mastery. As a musician, those are the moments you live for: something is so wonderful that it gives you goosebumps.

This has been probably one of the hardest semesters of my teaching career on a personal level. I pride myself on being organized, keeping business as usual in my classroom regardless of what's going on in my life, and trying to stay positive 99% of the time. This semester hasn't been that way: I've taken sick days just because I couldn't "keep up appearances," I've had to leave my room and go hide in empty hallways, I've had to let people down by not doing things within deadlines I've set, I've even had to explain personal things to the kids a few times just so they'd understand why I wasn't being me. But they've pitched in to help, they've brought me chocolate and written me notes, they've taken initiative and run rehearsals...in short the kids have done whatever needed to be done without even one complaint. They've been 100% invested, and it's been amazing to watch and encourage.

Maybe that's why last night was so great: the kids had ownership in all aspects of preparing for the performance. Perhaps all the crazy of my life has somehow made the end result something radically radiant and more than I'd ever thought it could be.

Over 24 hours later, and I'm still grinning from ear to ear when I think about the performance from last night. I'm so incredibly proud of my students and everything they accomplished this semester and this entire year. I'm going to give last night the title of "Best Concert to Date as a Director," and hope that I can continue to raise the bar even more in years to come. Hopefully with less crazy along the way and less roadblocks in the path, though.

May we always "play with the blood."