A is for Accountability

Accountability: we all hear the words, say the words, or read the words almost daily. As a teacher, I am held accountable for showing growth in all of my students; I am accountable for helping them actually learn. I receive yearly scores based on evaluations my boss performs by observing me teach and scoring me using a rubric and by the data obtained on student achievement by the end of year standardized tests the state provides. As I parent, I am held accountable for making sure my children are cared for properly and I hold my children accountable for growing into (hopefully) smart, productive people by giving them chores and rules to follow. Our government and law enforcement hold us accountable to the laws established. The list goes on and on...

But in all of those cases, there is one person/body holding another person/body accountable. And in that lies the problem: someone is answering to someone else. But what happens when there needs to be accountability but there is no person or governing body to hold that over us or make us answer to when we fail?

My journey over the last several months has been nothing short of intense and a bit of a roller coaster. I went down the rabbit hole fairly deep, and stumbled into quite a dark place for quite a while. For a bit, there was no real accountability at all: I was continuing to dig myself in and nobody really knew where I was going or why I was trying to get there. By the time those closest to me saw what was happening and tried to help or hold me accountable for climbing out of the deep, dark pit, it was kind of too late for me to even care. For some, that meant trying to take scare tactics or extreme measures with threats. For others, that meant making themselves the accountable ones for my safety and life by having me on as constant of a watch and communication as they could. And for a few, that meant surrendering and backing away so that they didn't have to feel any sense of accountability at all; for some they needed to wash their hands of the responsibility of what might or might not happen to me because it wasn't worth the mess to them.

Since starting my "treatment," I've had lots of accountability from outside sources: my individual therapist has held me accountable with weekly appointments that have included requests to check my arms and lots of questions; during my week inpatient the nurses held us accountable by watching us take our meds one at a time, forcing us to attend all the sessions during the day, and having us sleep with our doors open; in my Intensive Outpatient Program I'm held accountable by two therapists and a group of about a dozen people that I spend 3 hours with 3 nights a week talking about not only my daily life, but facing some of the bigger, underlying issues and the demons inside; my psychiatrist is holding me accountable by seeing me every two weeks until he feels I'm stable and my medication is in full effect. I still have friends holding me accountable as well by checking in, by talking me through some of the continuing dark spells, and by still monitoring me to some degree.

At some point, though, to really walk out of the darkness completely, am I not going to have to hold myself accountable? Can I even do that? Can I be responsible for myself, my safety, my life?

Personal accountability, unlike general accountability from an exterior force, means making an ongoing habitual commitment to myself. Self accountability means that I am both the one being held accountable and the one holding the accountability. It means being aware of myself, being present with myself, and being willing to catch or stop myself. It means that instead of others keeping me from self harming that I have to make a promise to myself and keep it. It means that instead of having someone else check on me daily that I will have to empower myself to stay safe, use helpful and safe coping skills, and make the right choices in moments of potential crisis. It means instead of answering to other people when I stumble and start talking negatively about myself or buying a utility knife, I have to accept the outcomes and work my way out of it.

So, how do I move from this place of having others holding me accountable to a place where I can hold the accountability for myself? Where do I start in making this shift? Are there steps involved or do I just tear of the bandaid and "go it alone" all at once?

To be honest, I'm quite terrified to make this step. I don't know that I even can or will hold myself accountable. If I could, wouldn't I be already? Shouldn't this be something that is already being done? If I was able and willing to hold myself accountable, wouldn't I have done it so that I didn't end up where I am? Did all of this happen because I was unwilling to put in the effort to hold myself accountable? Did I do all of this to myself as an active choice? Am I still making this choice each and every day to continue to stray into darkness?

Or maybe it's all a process, and although there are lots of people holding me accountable right now, maybe I'm also making that choice myself? Does any form of accountability really work if we are unwilling to put in the effort ourselves? How much do we really care about what others think, what others will say or do, or the impact our actions have on others? If there was zero personal accountability going on for me right now, would I be making the progress I am? Would I even be here to write this right now?

Here's what I do know and can share in a couple of pictures: the first one is my arm just over a month ago, and the second is my arm just a few days ago. Regardless of where the accountability is coming from, the good news is that there is progress happening that can visually be seen. There's other progress, too, but it's taking a little longer and can be harder to provide in such a purely visual way.