Everyone's a Critic

criticism--the expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes

Criticism is an interesting thing. People tend to associate criticism with an external force (a peer, a coworker or boss, a parent or family member) passing their judgement in a negative way. This can lead to blame. It can lead to bitterness. It can lead to anxiety. It can lead to giving up. It can lead to rage.

But is criticism always external?

I'm a perfectionist.
I'm terrified of conflict.
I personalize everything.

Criticism is another big ticket item in my struggle, but not because I have people in my life putting me down (though there have been times in my life where this was the case)...I struggle with criticism because of my own internal critic. My internal critic not only works its own magic with the constant taunting, but it tries to also work magic into convincing me that external forces are also passing the critical thoughts in the silence of their own minds.

It's funny, I had never really thought about this all until recently, but it makes so much sense. If you are close to me, you've noticed and commented on the fact that I apologize constantly. But why? It's not just that I'm extra nice, it's because I am convinced it is actually needed. If I ask you a question, my brain starts this fun cycle that goes something like this:
"Did you seriously just ask that? Are you that much of an idiot? Look at them, see that look? They think you are an idiot too. Good going, another person who knows the truth about what a complete and total idiotic waste of space you are."

If I am talking to you, I'm constantly analyzing your face, your movements, your tone and inflection...looking for the truth that you are criticizing me internally. If you don't respond, my brain starts more fun and I start freaking out. If you come watch me work, my skin is crawling. If I make a mistake in front of you...oh, that's the worst.

Tuesday night at my Intensive Outpatient group while we were talking about criticism, I just kept thinking about the questions Devon told us to answer:
What criticisms have you received from others?
What criticisms do you say to yourself?
Who are your biggest critics?
What would you do differently in your life if you didn't fear or receive these criticisms? 

...and I realized that probably at least half of the criticisms I feel are given to me are actually just things my brain tells me the other people are saying or thinking.

I thought about how I live my life in constant fear of criticism, conflict, and being alone. I lack confidence, I lack the ability to stand up and fight for myself, I lack trust in myself. I care so much about what someone else might say or think that I stay in the safe spots...I put on my armor and try to hide so I don't get hurt.

This week has been exceptionally tough. Cigna denied the authorization request for the medicine I've been on since going into the hospital, so I'm back to square one trying Med #3 and dealing with all the fun of coming off one/going on a new one. We're so far behind financially that I've had to ask for some favors and put off paying some things until payday. I'm still playing catch up from the first two months of school where I let my health get in the way of really doing my job. I've said so many things that I shouldn't to those I love most. I've been a pain in the butt and a burden. I've felt so worthless, so inadequate, so horrible. I've let myself slip back into the darkness pretty far...too far. I've tried to keep on the armor not just so I can protect myself, but so I can hide where I really am at this point.

But, I realized something tonight: this may not be the best way or a way to live really at all. We have to stand up, we have to fight, and we have to be the reason why we live our lives. We can't let the thoughts or opinions of people completely run the show. There's a really great speech that Theodore Roosevelt (yep, I like all the Roosevelt people...why do you think my daughter is named Eleanor?) that I think says what I'm trying to say so much better:

(You can read the full speech if you go here and scroll down a bit...http://www.theodore-roosevelt.com/trsorbonnespeech.html)

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."


So, that sounds great, right? The struggle of making those words a reality in the life I live daily is huge, though. It's not just reframing, it's completely taking apart not just how I have lived since childhood as well as taking apart myself...because I'm the main enemy of myself. My brain tells me that the whole world is against me, waiting for me to stumble or fall so that they can point and laugh...but really it's me against myself every single step of the way. I am the one taunting myself, I'm the one doing the failing and the ridicule. I'm setting myself up for hurt from myself.

But you know what? It's time to stop this somehow. It's time to stand up to myself because there's no way I will ever stand up to anyone else unless I do that first. It's time to tell myself that the extreme measures need to stop, the internal critic must stop. I am going to only listen to my true self, to my heart and what it is fighting for, because that's the part that matters is the part that feels, that lives, that loves. The part that hurts, that tricks, that hates isn't the me doing the work, so it doesn't deserve a voice. Or, as Brene Brown says, "If you aren't in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I'm not interested in your feedback."