Submission

submissive (adjective)--ready to conform to the authority of others; meekly obedient or passive

A Submissive Past

I remember learning from a young age that it is important to be obedient, follow the rules, do as you are told. I found myself following this in a very literal way: even if the end result meant pain or heartache for myself as an individual, I would blindly follow, I would passively conform. To be resistant meant punishment, whether it was from my parents, my teachers, an adult at church...there was no room for questioning, no ability to fight. I learned to follow all the rules, to make adults happy in order to avoid the negative consequence. Being invisible was better than being lashed or beaten down with words.

I don't think that being submissive was a choice I made out of joy or even desire. Maybe in the back of my mind part of me craved the love and praise that would come from being obedient, but often that praise never really came for me. There were definitely quick and drastic retaliations if I tried to resist conformity, if I fought back against the rule. 

Also I think that my brain never made the distinction, though, that there should be a difference in being submissive to adults or figures of authority and being submissive to a peer. When faced with a boy of my same age who was taller, stronger, and seemingly more prone to violence than I, I felt there was no choice at first but to submit. Just like with the adults, fighting was met with punishment and questioning was met with reprimand. However, unlike an adult just wanting me to follow the rules, this relationship was different. It contained more than I had ever known and traveled far from my comfort zone in life. There were images, there was touching, there were words that would smack me like sacks of bricks...and any attempt to resist was met with worse punishments. Also, unlike the adults, he would constantly change the game and the rules: when I became numb to one tactic, he'd select another; when I started to conform and accept my fate, he'd try to move up a level.

Growing A Backbone & A Voice

When I played the flute, the world I'd lived in for so many years started to melt away. I instantly was able to start producing sound, and the more I practiced, the better I became. I quickly surpassed those older than me. My band directors encouraged and pushed me. I felt that for the first time in my life, something I touched was beautiful; something in my life let me be the authority and pave the way instead of beating me into silent submission.

Flute playing ultimately led me to many other things and people who influenced my life in positive ways: band, drama, college, career. All of those dreams became a reality because of a choice I made in middle school...to play the flute. In a way, I can contribute every single friend I have today to that choice I made to play the flute.

Music is a powerful language unmatched by any other dialect and understood regardless of our geographical location or upbringing. Music gives a voice to those who have none. Performing music can give those who are terrified a source to shine, a place to build themselves up instead of letting others tear them down. I found a source of joy in playing both alone and with others. I found that praise, encouragement, and love I'd been looking for from my band directors. I've made friendships that stand up to the roughest storms, hardest seasons, and test of time.

I find it easy to stand up on my podium each day and encourage my own students to make music today. I constantly find joy in the progress we make, the wonderful music we perform together, the emotions we express. My job is powerful, it is satisfying, and it builds me up to continue to be strong.

Submissive Me Today

There are times even today that I struggle with resorting to that blind obedience and need to bow to authority. This often happens in times of conflict or in times when I interact with other adults. I find myself constantly resorting to apologies, anxiety, and taking on more than I can or should because of the fear of overstepping the lines.

However, there are places where I have comfort and support for expressing my mind. My inner circle, my support system, my people...whatever you want to call them...they are always there for me. I feel love, I get pushed to stay strong, I am reminded that I am more than I think I am, and that I am enough and perfectly whole just as I am. These people save me from drowning; these people keep me grounded. Through these relationships, I've learned that submission isn't always healthy. Sometimes, we have to stand tall and advocate for ourselves. Who will defend us but ourselves? We must remember to always take care of ourselves and hold our beliefs close to our heart. Sometimes we must be tactful and professional, sometimes we must boldly fight. But never, never should we run away and submit to fear.

It's a work in progress, but I'm getting there, day by day, breath by breath, one foot in front of the other. Progress isn't a straight path, but it's an important one to walk in my journey. I must persevere or I'll parish for nothing and all will be forgotten. Nobody arrives as a historical figure for their ability to conform and blend into the surroundings. Nobody ends their life wishing they would have been more submissive. So why should I?