Crawling

I can't even explain this week with my vocabulary.  There were some definite lows (more on that below) and a couple unexpected highs (I may save that for another post). I see the signs and patterns, though: it's all going back to a time that I thought I had overcome.

They say that things like PTSD and depression are lifelong illnesses. I always kind of thought that it would be a phase I would pass through and then move on with my life, however, I am beginning to think that the former is the real truth for me. The unexpected is even becoming triggers...I have had several unexpected trips down a memory lane that I had never wished to return after running away.

I'm tired of being dark and gloomy: it's not me...is it? I like to think of myself (or at least my adult self) as positive, encouraging, friendly, passionate, loyal, truthful. But sometimes you just feel that itching, that crawling under the skin that makes you want to rip your hair out. In fact, just this evening I was reminded of a song from that former time that somewhat fits me this past week: "Crawling" by Linkin Park (lyrics below)

I hate that I have to be vague on my own personal blog, but after seeing how many readers were coming when I would share the post on Facebook, I want to see what happens if I don't do that first before letting it all out...if I can even explain...

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There's something inside me
That pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear
Is never ending, controlling

I can't seem to find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence)
(I'm convinced that there's)
(Just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before so insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled
Itself upon me distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence)
(I'm convinced that there's)
(Just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before so insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing, confusing what is real

There's something inside me
That pulls beneath the surface
Consuming
(Confusing what is real)
This lack of self control I fear
Is never ending, controlling
(Confusing what is real)