Listen

I'm not a "wait and see" kind of gal. I don't like the unexpected. I don't like chaos. I like order. I like organization. I like plans...I really like plans...plans set months, no years, in advance. I need purpose. I need direction. I need guides.

These last 6 months have really sent my brain into overdrive. So much has happened that wasn't part of my master plan for life; there's been so many moments of unexpected chaos and turmoil that I have done more than just struggle. My life plan, my main purposes and desires, have all been thrown offkilter to a point that I am not even sure how to best recover. So I asked those wiser than me, "What do I do now? What's next?"


"I think this should be a time of listening and reflecting for you. When you're searching for what's next so frantically, you can make choices you question for a long time. Don't let your feeling like you need to fill a void trick you into doing something drastic. Take some time to look around for what's in front of you. Or, as I was famous at East Side for saying, calm that down!"

So today, as I stood at the gas pump at the BP at the corner of Florence & Manson, holding my breath and crossing my toes that my credit card wouldn't get declined for buying a tank of gas, I listened. I felt the wind gently touch my face and ungracefully scoop up my hair. I thought about how different that moment would be if I was 23 weeks pregnant. I would have been doing more than just holding my breath about that credit card and wishing it was Friday (payday), that's for sure.

I also thought about how different that moment would be if I would have been still teaching at Unity. I wouldn't have even been at that intersection...I would have been at the gas station in Shelbyville. It was in all that thinking, all that listening, that I began to hear what the real point was: this is exactly where I need to be right now. This is my life.

Although my heart may ache for another baby to be growing in my womb, it's not the time. Although I may have had a lot of drama and difficulty lately, I am at the right school. Although money may be tight, we are comfortable and have all that we need. Although I may not be at my best, I have people around me who know exactly how to help and have been given to me for a purpose.

I don't consider myself to be an overly religious person (my husband and I both have similar feelings about organized religion...maybe another post another day...), but I am positive that there is a reason for that moment of clarity today. Sometimes we can try to plan out every detail of our life, but there's always going to be a curve ball we probably can't avoid. So, today I needed to just breathe; I just needed to listen.