As a child, I remember that constant feeling of dread that came at the last week of school. Always the question I feared: what would summer bring? I always knew the answer, and like clockwork it never seemed to fail. Every summer was the same: plans would be loosely set with friends ("I will have my mom call your mom and we will have a sleepover..."), lots of books would be consumed, and by the end of summer I would be left with nothing to read and pretty much no friends. So then it would be time to go back to school and start all over.
As an adult, let's be honest, I have a very small circle of friends. I've had the same 3 best friends for nearly 10 years now (see posts like "Memphis" for mention of them). I've got another friend or two that are good for getting lunch or coffee with once a month or so in the summer, mostly chat about general things. And, this year for the first time pretty much ever, I've made amazing friends at work who have surpassed the level of co-worker and entered the actual friend zone where I don't feel I have to be guarded or hide who I really am.
But buried inside there's that fear again...what will summer bring? There's been loose plans set again ("We can all take our kids to the duck pond! We can watch Moulin Rouge and teach you how to braid hair!"). I realize that adult friends are different...but am I any different?
I'm a whole mess of crazy. I'm definitely a nerd. I'm even more than an odd duck. I just have to wonder...what do people really think of me?
I've always struggled with that fear of what people really think of me. I guess years of being laughed at and talked about will do that to you? So now it's always there, always on my brain. I am aware that I am just overly paranoid...but am I really?
I just...I hope this summer is not a childhood summer. I hope that this Eve of my 30th birthday is a great summer filled with laughter and friendship. This broken soul can't take much more right now.
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