Closing Time

Here's my somewhat stream of conscious writing by taking out some of the lyrics to Semisonic's "Closing Time" and writing about the phrase of words. 

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..."

It is so important to remember one negative event, one door closing, is not the end all be all. There's always sunshine after the storm; there's always a new day and a new beginning, a fresh start, waiting for us. Losing Rosilyn may have felt like one of the most epic failures of my life. What I'm slowing finding, though, is this heartache is showing me things that would have otherwise gone unnoticed by me.

It's time to forgive myself: not just for the miscarriage but for everything that I've always resented myself for allowing to happen in my life. It's time to release the hate I have for myself. It's time to let this sweet beginning that ended entirely too soon to be a way to begin a new chapter in the book of my life, not to slam it shut with dying!

I'm not entirely sure what all the new beginnings are that will result from this beginning's end. I don't know if we will try to have another baby on our own or consider adoption. I don't know if we will find a way to more permanently memorialize the sweet beginning of life that ended. I don't know if we will eventually consider moving to a larger house, if I will change jobs, if we will ever tell our other two children about what happened...there's a lot of uncertainty at the moment. What I do know, though, is that I will continue to heal and that eventually the new beginnings will start becoming more obvious.

"Time for you to go back to the places you will be from..."

We all have parts of our past that are less than wonderful. Sometimes we are ashamed, sometimes they were painful...so we try to bury them and forget. At times, though, it is necessary for us to go back to these moments. Our past, our memories, they shape who we are today...good, bad, or otherwise.

For me, a lot of looking back at the past connects with that idea of forgiveness. I have carried around so much guilt, blame, and shame over so many parts of my past. Those loads get heavy the longer you carry them...and I'm just not strong enough or willing enough to carry the baggage around for the rest of my life. In order to let go, though, I have to revisit some things and times. Some of them will be easy to look through and discard the garbage; some will be difficult to open up, sort, and decide to part ways. Some of it I may try to stick back in the suitcases I carry and realize it just doesn't fit anymore; some of it has been pulled out so much that it's starting to develop holes and it's time to just toss. All of it requires going back, though...back to the places I came from...back to the memories, events, people who molded me into what I am today.

"So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits, I hope you have found a friend..."

Growing up, I didn't consider myself to have many friends. Those that I did have either took lots of effort to gain or somehow just seemed to come by some odd stroke of good luck. When I look at the friends I have today, though, I can tell you when they each came into my life and often I can tell you specifically why I think they were placed in my life.

I think that sometimes things just click into place. I think that sometimes there's a divine force that helps push us into the directions we need to go. I think that sometimes our prayers and desires get met in mysterious ways that we don't always understand immediately. As we move into the exit from our beginning's end, sometimes the thing we need to bridge the gap or light the way is already there, smiling, waiting for us to talk first.