"I'm sorry, I can't be perfect..."

One of my (many) unhealthy behaviors is that I am a perfectionist. I've been this way as long as I can remember: school work, arts and crafts, even music...I push myself to be perfect and get very frustrated with myself if I achieve anything less. Obviously, though, pushing yourself to constantly be perfect is simply an expectation that is impossible to meet and leaves you feeling defeated and desperate. 

So, I've identified some of my unrealistic/unhealthy rules/expectations I have regarding perfectionism. I am working through ways to correct these unrealistic rules to make healthier choices for myself, but it's going to take some time to retrain my brain. These 4 sentences have been carved into my innermost being for so long that I'm not really sure how to ever overcome them...but I will someday. Also, I'm just about to start reading this book and hope it helps even more: https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X

MY UNHEALTHY PERFECTIONISM EXPECTATIONS EXPLAINED

Unhealthy #1: "I must always be seen as perfect by others."

As a child, I remember always being the one with my hand raised, ready to answer any question the teacher asked. I remember practicing my flute for hours. I remember angrily throwing away papers I got back that had errors. I remember rewriting notes I took in class to make them look neat and clean. I remember pretending to be sick fora week so I didn't have to go to school and be laughed at because of my clothing. I remember crying when someone would point out my acne or the obvious size differnece in my breasts.

As an adult, I spend time every single day carefully planning out every detail of the day. I plan out what I will say and how I will handle situations, I constantly tell myself "Smile!" as I walk down the hallway or into a store, I always try to say things with positivity and thoughtfulness. I often separate my personal life from my professional with a very thick wall, I often hide my real emotions and thoughts from people, I keep my struggles to myself. Sometimes it's like a Jekyll & Hyde scenario in my head...scary thought, huh?

Healthier Outlook: "I can only try my best, and my best is good enough."

Unhealthy #2: "If I fail, people will judge me or criticize me."

Getting grounded for making a B on your report card sends a message that anything less than perfect is a failure. Giving something your all and it still not being enough to receive recognition can be crushing. Having your flaws constantly pointed out is a painful experience. Nobody likes to fail. Nobody likes being crushed. Really, though, nobody likes being criticized by others.

Just this weekend, for example, it was brought to my attention that several of our neighbors were complaining about the condition of our yard. Yes, I realize we've been so busy with life and the inside of our house that we had failed to weed eat last weekend or the weekend before. Yes, I realize there were 6 newspapers in our driveway and that our trash cans were parked in front of our house instead of on the side. Yes, some of the plants in our garden aren't doing so well. But to have my flaws pointed out was a serious blow. It made me feel like we've failed and now the whole neighborhood is up in arms, ready to strike us.

So, basically I constantly sit in fear that I will make a mistake, that I will fail, and that someone will immediately point it out and remind me in great detail what an epic screw up I am. When I fail, I can just feel the looks: I'm a waste of space, I am not just failing myself but many others, I would be better if I didn't exist anymore if I'm going to continue to make such royal blunders.

Healthier Outlook: "Failure is an opportunity for me to learn or ask others for help. Not everyone is in my life to criticize or judge me; not everyone wants to see me fail."

Unhealthy #3: "My mistakes will cause conflicts or problems for others."

This past week was one example after another of this. Open mouth, insert foot, receive well deserved flogging. My appointments and self care caused me to not be there for my students. My lack of updates on grades is making for many unhappy parents. I had at least one coworker conflict each day last week. I made a huge mistake in some things I said to one of my best friends and basically spent the next 12 hours in constant agony and worry about what was going to happen as a result of my stupidity.

Sometimes I really think people would be better off without me...

Healthier Outlook: "My mistakes can be fixed. The emotions and reactions of others are not something I can control."

Unhealthy #4: "I must know what is going to happen. I must always be in control of situations."

If I am in control, then I can make sure that everything turns out perfectly right in the end. If I know what's going to happen in advance, I can avoid any potential conflicts. If I make the effort to plan, think out every scenario, and work out ways to handle every possible result, then I won't let anyone down by not knowing what to do. If I'm in control, I can protect myself from being hurt again. If I plan out my entire day, my whole week, the next 5 years...then there's no unexpected surprises, there's no major blow ups.

This is so unrealistic though! Who can do that?! What happens as a result then? I end up being very rigid: I struggle with flexibility or going off the books. I don't know how to make quick decisions; I always look to other people so I don't make the wrong choice on my own. I live in a constant fear that something will derail all of my carefully laid plans. I don't ever really live and enjoy the moments because I'm too wrapped up in planning out what comes next.

Healthier Outlook: "It's okay to live in the moment. We can't always plan out everything."