Great Expectations

Expectations: we all have them. For ourselves, for our coworkers, for our children: all the expectations. Sometimes expectations can be good: they can motivate us, help us set goals, keep us in check. Sometimes, though, we get so wrapped up in what we think expectations are for us that we can get overwhelmed, depressed, anxious, afraid. Sometimes we use the expectations people have for us as something to hide behind, to protect our true self.

I think for me, that many of the expectations I feel are set for me are really just something I've made up in my head. Many of them are deeply rooted, many of them are expectations I've felt a need to continuously meet for as long as I can remember. When I was asked to write out the expectations I feel people have for me or I have for myself on a clay flower pot on Thursday, I found so many words coming to mind: bubbly, always helpful, dedicated, never angry, all knowing, infallible, constantly available, chatty, extroverted, confident, unafraid, organized...I kept writing for what seemed like forever. There are so many expectations I feel I have to meet every single day with everyone in my life: my students & their parents, my coworkers, my husband, my daughters, my family, my friends, myself, my neighbors, the outside world, strangers...everyone is looking at me and expecting things. I feel it constantly, like there's always someone looking at me to see if I'm meeting these things, if I'm being successful.

...Then the real part of the task came: the moment to take the pot outside and smash it...

Once I'd taken all the time to write all these things down, all of these expectations I feel and words that describe what I feel I constantly have to be, I could see myself. These weren't just expectations...these were what I'd worked so hard to be in the eyes of the world. These words were me, whether I liked who I was or not. These words were things everyone I know would list if they were asked to describe me. When I finally threw the pot, heard the sound, and watched it shatter everywhere, I almost had an anxiety attack. I found myself gasping for air, shaking, jittery, fighting an urge to frantically pick up all the pieces and run to find glue and fix the pot before it was too late. I felt like I'd just smashed myself into 1,000 pieces, not just a cheap clay pot.

"You can still be those things sometimes and realize there are other times you won't be. 'Not all the time, not every time.'"

Can I really do that, though? Can I have moments where I am selfish and ungiving, unwilling to help? Can I have days where I don't greet everyone with a smile? Can I get things wrong without consequence? Can I tell people that I'm afraid? Can I take a day to myself and ignore the world just watching Netflix in my pajamas?

Now, what do I expect of other people? I expect people to be human. I expect my students to need help, make mistakes, let me down at times, surprise me at others. I expect my children to make messes and not always clean them up, I expect them to have days where they get in trouble or to get hurt, I expect them to grow before my eyes faster than I ever imagined. I expect my husband to need space at times, to not always handle situations in the most logical way, to show weakness, to be strong, to show me love even at the most random of times, to grumble about the trash but take it out anyway, to try his best to be a good father but not always succeed because he's human. I expect my friends to be there for me but sometimes need a day or two where they don't talk to me and take time to recharge, I expect them to need me sometimes and I need them sometimes, I expect them to always make fun of how I say certain words (like bagel) but always do it in a loving way, I expect them to argue with me when I offer to buy them dinner, I expect us to fight and make up because we all have times where we get angry.

So what do people really expect of me? Are all of those words I feel are constantly needed really what people expect or is it merely an illusion, an alternate reality I've created in my head?

"I just expect you to be who you are."

The real question is, though: who am I really? What is actually me and what is the alternate me I've made to fit into the mold of the expectations from the illusions in my head? I'm sure I will figure that out before I die...because that's still a lengthy, unforeseen point in the future. So for now I'll keep living and keep soul searching...maybe without holding myself to all of the expectations all of the time.

"You weren't smashing away the things that make you who you are--you were smashing away the illusion of expectation that you have to be all of those things all the time."