I think one of the most insightful realizations over my recent journey through this temporary darkness has been seeing the reality of mental illness. Mental illness doesn't have a type. Mental illness isn't for only the poor, the teens, the uneducated, the neglected child, the girl who was raped...mental illness can hit anyone anytime just like the flu or a heart attack. For every person who gets treatment, there are probably two more who just suffer through and at least one more who commits suicide or overdoses on drugs. A lot of my struggle was that I had this overarching thought that I shouldn't be going through this: not because I didn't deserve it or because I was genuinely better than anyone else going through it, but because of what I felt I had been told or fed through my life and how I was interpreting what people were telling me even now. So, to that, I want to list all the false assumptions that I felt were weighing down on me during this struggle that I'm still working through. I don't think that any of these were direct quotes, but some things that were said to me in some of my darkest moments were heard in ways that made me feel like these things were being said or were the thoughts behind the words.
1) "You are an educated woman. You should know that what you are thinking and doing isn't smart or healthy. You should know how to handle it: you have a college degree!"
Yes, I not only have a college degree, but I graduated cum laude with a degree that required close to 150 hours, lots of performing and practicing beyond all the other coursework, in 4.5 years while working 20+ hours/week at a retail job. I am aware I am smart. I am aware that I should know things. I'm also aware that I've had annual suicide prevention training every year for the last 7 years. But here's the thing: none of that prevents feeling emotions. None of that prevents chemical imbalances. None of that prevents you from having zero self worth. It just doesn't. It does mean that I had the knowledge to recognize the downward spiral I was entering. It does mean that I knew that there are options for help out there. It does mean that I knew that I was suffering from clinical depression. But it doesn't mean that I am immune from it or just should "know better." And if you really thought that, then let's please have a discussion.
2) "If you cared about your children or your husband, you wouldn't be thinking or planning these things. You better believe if I was going through this hard time, I'd be thinking about my kids!You should be setting a better example! You need to get your shit together for your daughters."
I love my children with all my heart. My husband is, in my mind, the one made for me. I can assure you that I give everything I have to give into these 3 people...sometimes at my own personal expense. We all do: anyone with a spouse, with kids, with pets...we all give unconditionally and completely. Sometimes, though, our brain starts to play tricks on us: we see our husband and daughters sleeping sweetly and soundly all together in the queen size bed after we've been selfishly out indulging in a few hours of personal time and we think, "They are so happy, so perfect, so content...they don't need me," or we may start to question, "Maybe I'm what causes there to be moments of unhappiness? Maybe they would be better off without me?" Yes, that's the illness talking. The brain chemicals are full of lies...but in those moments the lies don't seem like lies. Sometimes your version of the truth becomes something vastly different. So yes, I do love my daughters and my husband with all my heart...but that doesn't mean I don't have moments where I think that perhaps showing them love would be to erase myself from their lives. If you think that's total bullshit, then okay. If you think that if you were placed in the shoes I was in 3.5 weeks ago and would have had the ability to stop and question yourself, then I guess you win at life and I am just stupid...oh well.
3) "Aren't you strong? Just suck it up and move on! We all go through hard seasons in life! You just have to go forward and forget about the past!"
This was a tough one that ate away at me almost as much as the previous one. I constantly felt like people were seeing me as weak. I felt like people thought I was just being stupid and not really even trying. I felt like people thought I was choosing to be the way I was. Yes, I did make some choices that weren't smart and showed that my judgement was off, but in some ways I didn't feel like I was in control at all. In some ways I thought strength and control meant punishing myself or showing myself that I could control what happened to me and what I felt by harming myself. There were moments where I would literally fight with myself, sometimes internally and sometimes even externally, to cut or not to cut. It wasn't easy for me. It became so addictive, like a drug or a bottle of Jack...I had to get that fix, I had to feel that control, I had to show myself what I really deserved.
4) "Just lay down your burdens with God. If you really believed in God, you wouldn't be this way. Your faith would protect you. You must not really believe."
This isn't my first dance with the question of faith during times of struggle. In fact, a big part of the reason I took a step back from God back in high school was because I didn't feel worthy, deserving, or that God even cared about me at all. I just assumed I had failed so miserably that I was destined to Hell and I'd been left to fend for myself. But never once did I say, "God doesn't exist." So, when people would say these types of things to me recently, whether they meant their words to have that tone or not, it really hurt me at a deep level. It made me feel like I've not been living the life I try to live everyday. It made me question if I'd been a wicked person to everyone instead of kind, giving, compassionate. It made me wonder if my prayers for others were not enough or if my words just meant nothing to God because I had decided to only ask him to bless others. And if it was these peoples' jobs to be placed into my life to cast stones, then maybe I deserved a painful death even more than I thought. Maybe I didn't even deserve the little bit of God I tried to reach for. Because clearly I was being selfish and wicked in my struggles.
5) "Stop thinking about yourself for a minute. You're risking everything just for your own selfish thoughts. Think about your job, your family, your friends."
If you know me at all, then you would probably describe me as one who is more likely to care about literally everyone else in the world before myself. I'm not saying that to brag, I'm saying that because people have told me this during the last few weeks. So, is that all just fake and I'm really a self centered bitch? Does wanting people to be happy so desperately that you would suffer alone rather than burden them with your troubles mean you are only thinking about yourself? I'm not sure. And if that's the case: I'm sorry. I owe everyone big time if that's the case.
6) "Shouldn't you have grown out of all of this? Adults don't do this crap, they deal with their problems and move on. You are being childish."
Yep, I cut in high school. I went to therapy in high school. But now I'm just over a month shy of being 30...so I should be past all of that "emo kid who shops at Hot Topic" fad, right? Here's the deal, though: for me none of it was ever a fad. It's always been the same: it's been about what a terrible person I am and how I deserve it all. It's been about having that little bit of control. It's been about never really forgiving myself for anything. It's about the weight of a baby growing in your body then dying with no answer as to why besides that your body didn't do its job...just like you didn't do your job of protecting yourself all those years ago. So, if you think I'm being childish, then let's talk so I can understand and stop being that way.
7) "How can you expect anyone else to help you or care if you don't even care about yourself?"
I didn't ask anyone to care or help. I didn't care about myself, so that's right, why should anyone else? I'm still struggling with the why any of you care, but I'm starting to see brief glimpses of what some of you claim to see all the time. I'm starting to have moments where instead of putting myself down, I compliment myself. I actually told someone I was good at math the other day...I admitted I have a skill! So, no, I didn't expect any of you to help or care, but you did anyway. I'll never be able to thank you enough or repay you. But, seriously, thanks.
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