Keeping Up Appearances

"Do you think you need to be in the hospital?"

It's a question I've been asked daily over the last two weeks. How to answer that question has wavered in my head but remained the same out loud.

"No, I'm fine."
"No, I don't think so."
"No, not right now."
"No, I don't want to do that."

There have been a few people that I've been trying to stay honest and communicative about how I'm really feeling. Mostly, though, I've been trying to just "keep up appearances." I've continued to work, I've continued to smile and hug my daughters, I've continued to make small talk with strangers and even make jokes at the most scary of times (like in the ER). That's the biggest hold out for me at this point from just taking myself to the psych hospital: I want to maintain normalcy. I don't want my students to have a sub for a week or more. I don't want my daughters to have to ask when mommy gets to come home. I don't want people like the cashier at Publix or the teachers at daycare to ask questions.

Should all of that be my concern at this point? Probably not, but to deny that would be to deny who I am. If I'm completely honest, I don't care about myself. I've never really cared about myself. What I care about is everyone else. My family, my friends...even the cashier at Publix. Am I a person of worth and value? Hell no. Ask me if anyone else in this world is, even people I honestly do not like, and I will say yes...and mean it with every fiber of my being. EVERYONE has WORTH. EVERYONE has VALUE. EVERYONE deserves HAPPINESS.

...except me. I don't care about me.

So, if I don't care about myself, why am I even still alive? Well, it's because of how I feel about everyone else. Trust me, I think about ending my life at least 3 times a day everyday lately. But then I see a picture of my daughters or get a text from one of my best friends. I'll start writing a letter or making a plan. Then my husband sends me a funny GIF or it's time for my next class and I'm greeted by students who are smiling or running to tell me something before class starts.

Is that enough to keep me alive, though? I have times where that answer changes. If I'm completely honest, I think people would be able to easily move on and their lives would get better without me. My husband would be happier and probably find someone more stable. My girls wouldn't be witness to this roller coaster of emotions I'm on or having to ask things like, "What is wrong with your arm, Mommy?" My best friends wouldn't be having anxiety attacks or feeling like they have to constantly be glued to their phones in case I call or text. My students would get a teacher who is actually good at the job and they would improve by huge leaps. There wouldn't be any worry, any pain, any concern, any sadness related to me. I'd be gone and everyone would simply be able to move on with their lives. But, there are moments where people say things that make me realize there would still be pain in my death. It might only last for a little while, but it would still be pain and sadness...which I don't want for anyone. I go to dramatic measures to help keep people happy. I think that's important. I want to listen, I want to help, I want to give gifts, I want to make people smile. Nobody should have to feel pain permanently, and if we all tried to help each other out or show concern for each other, the world would be a much better place.

Do I need to go to the hospital? Based on what I've been reading and researching, yes. But I just don't think I can give up the last bits of normalcy that I'm maintaining. My brain has been chaos for months...it can wait...right?