Acceptance (Serenity Prayer, Part 1 of 3)

At the end of each night at my Intensive Outpatient Group Therapy, we say The Serenity Prayer. I'm going to spend some time over the next few weeks writing about the 3 major focal points of the prayer: acceptance, courage, and wisdom.

Acceptance in human psychology is a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition without attempting to change or protest it. Essentially it's taking all the shit that life gives us and allowing it to happen...a very hard task for many of us (especially control freaks like me). Sometimes we use various methods to combat acceptance: denial, avoidance, fighting, or suppression. We may think these methods can allow us to prevent or change the situation or experience, the truth is that it is at best just a stall tactic, or in the worst case scenarios it actually makes the end result far worse.

So, what are the things that we have to accept? Sadly, lots more than many of care to do. Basically, anything that isn't directly in our control in the present moment falls into the category of items we must accept. These include:
1) The Past
2) Other People (including their emotions, reactions, and thoughts)
3) The Weather
4) Time
5) Our Emotions & Thoughts (we will cover what we can control regarding this shortly...)

My most recent hospital stay was 8 days, so I had lots of time to think and process through some big stuff, especially over the weekend. Acceptance is a big problem for me, but it's somewhere I really need to start having a better awareness and focus on letting go of all that I realistically cannot control. I can only assume that with acceptance comes a sort of release and feeling of peace...at least that is my hope.

So what do I need to accept? First and foremost, I need to accept that I have a mental illness. I have to learn to realize that this diagnosis is not something I can just ignore, but it's something I also need to actively seek treatment and be mindful of how it impacts me. I also have to accept that people will not always understand, people will sometimes not be willing to tolerate, and that sometimes I will have to just suck it up and deal with myself. I cannot control this, but I can arm myself with ways to "tame the beast within" and take care of myself better. I also cannot just use this mental illness as an excuse for my actions and reactions...I have control over those.

I also have to accept my past: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I can learn from it, I can use it to inform others and help make the future better, but I can't go back and change it. If someone happens to have a DeLorean that is equipped with a flux capacitor, please let me know...but until then, the past simply is the past. We all have regrets at times. We all have said "hind sight's 20-20" at least once. It is important to accept our past though in order to accept ourselves. Our past is part of what makes us who we are, it is part of how we got where we are at this exact moment. To change the past means to also change the present and the future...most of us would probably agree that risk is too great.

Another thing I have to accept is that I have no control over the perception of others. One of my biggest struggles is that I want others to see me in a positive way. I want to be liked, respected, and be seen as someone worthy in the eyes of those around me or in my life. Here's the deal, though: all I can do in reality is be myself and the rest is out of my control. I can't force people to love me.  I can't even force people to somewhat like me. I can't force people to want to spend time with me. I can't force people to select me for awards, jobs, etc. I think that a lot of this desire stems from the fact that I try to seek validation, love, and purpose from external sources (other people) instead of from within myself...it's on my list of things to work on, I promise...

Acceptance is a lot like letting someone else drive your car, ya know? Once you let them into the driver's seat and give them the keys, it's out of your control. At that point all you can do is simply hold on and try to enjoy the ride. Letting go of control is a tough thing to do, but in most of these cases the control we think we hold isn't actually real at all. When we give that up, then, all we are doing is releasing frustration and fear while allowing ourselves a little bit of peace...a small slice of serenity.