Hindsight is always 20/20, right? We all have parts of our past that we aren't the most proud of admitting or that we wish we would have handled differently. There are moments that we make mistakes, that we all fail, that we all stumble. And we are supposed to accept that these happen, forgive or ask for forgiveness, and move on. Sometimes, though, that letting go, that moving on, is the absolute hardest thing to do.
I am a bit of a control freak. I plan out everything, sometimes even to the smallest details like planning out an entire day hour by hour, line item by line item. I have routines and I follow them religiously. Some of it is my Type A personality, sure. Some of it might have to do with being the oldest child perhaps. You might even use my horoscope to explain it a bit. Yet, part of it is my way to hold power, avoid conflict, confusion, fear, or anger. It's something I need so that I don't become overwhelmed with anxiety or panic. It's a way to cope, to protect myself, to maintain myself.
Unfortunately, though, there are lots of things in life that are so completely out of the scope of our control. It's hard to admit that something is out of your control. Sometimes we can spend huge amounts of our time and energy worrying, fighting, or even just contemplating these things...things that it doesn't matter what we do, things that are someone else's crap to carry or clean up. Sometimes we try to take ownership or control by placing the blame or ownership onto ourselves falsely. All that does, though, is make us feel like crap and then spin our tires because we still can't do anything about it because, guess what? Still not in our control.
It takes some serious skill for someone like me, a control freak/perfectionist with non-existent levels of self worth or self-esteem, to build up this "wisdom to know the difference." I've been wrestling with my thoughts and feelings so much, trying to separate what I can control and what I can't. Once I do that, then I can begin to work on what I can control, and try to work towards acceptance for the things that aren't under my umbrella of control.
One of the biggest things I've always fought to control is how others see me/think of me/care about me. There's so much wrong with that, but after years of feeling like you don't fit anywhere, after years of wandering, you crave acceptance, friendship, respect, appreciation, love. That means trying to determine what people want, how they want you to be, then fitting into that mold. But doing that means denying yourself the truth, it means rejecting who you really are. Instead of trying to fit what someone wants, you should be showing what you are and that will attract people who will be all that you need for the REAL you. That doesn't mean that everything about me has been fake if you've known me at any point prior to the present, it just means that sometimes I would only share parts of myself, hide pieces of myself, or slightly reshape portions of me to make it all fit into a package that you'd find pleasing...I love to please people.
I've spent most of the month of November trying to do a better job of being true to myself. It's hard, though: it's hard to see people change their body language around you, it's hard to feel people that you considered to be good friends or people that you'd felt you'd established an amazing rapport with over the last year or so suddenly push you away, avoid you, or turn cold. I've felt a lot of heartache this month, I've felt quite a bit of rejection, I've taken a lot very personally, I've wondered what I've done wrong. But that's just it: what did I really do wrong? All that I can say is that I spent too long denying myself of the freedom to be true. I've spent my whole life not really understanding and never really loving myself because of my attempt to conceal my innermost reality. That's what I've done that WAS in my control. But I can't control a coworker that I thought was a friend suddenly being short, distant, and cold with me: that's her choice. I can't control someone twisting my words and never giving me the chance to clarify. I can't control others rejecting me. I can't control my husband's family choosing to treat me like crap and tell me how horrible I am for what I've put him through while I try to heal. I can't control other people.
Here's what I can control, though: I can control my reactions to people and events. And I'm trying. I'm trying to still be pleasant, interact, and reach out to that coworker to let her know I'm still here and still me. I can tell myself that my words are mine and that I know what I mean to say. I can prepare clarifications and apologies in case I am ever given the chance to use them. I can choose to walk away and not accept verbal abuse or hurtful language. And, most of all, I can continue to be me...all of me...and allow myself to feel real happiness for the first time in a long time. I can gain comfort with myself and who I am. I can continue to embrace and discover myself along this journey. Because there's still so much more life to go, and I want it to be true.
And that, my friends, is the wisdom to know the difference.
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