Courage (Serenity Prayer, Part 2 of 3)

At the end of each night at my Intensive Outpatient Group Therapy, we say The Serenity Prayer. I'm going to spend some time over the next few weeks writing about the 3 major focal points of the prayer: acceptance, courage, and wisdom.

Courage is the quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face difficulty, danger, or pain without fear. When I think of courage, I tend to think of people who I admire that have overcome great obstacles, went against the grain of the majority of society, people who always spoke their mind without worry of what others would think or do, or stood up for their beliefs even at the most dangerous of times. If you really think about it, the United States was founded by courageous people and continues to develop through the bravery of many who are born here or come here. I also think about a very close friend of mine who came out of a very different upbringing than me but never let that stop her...she constantly shows me what everyday courage and strength looks like through her life, difficulty she faces, moves she makes, tough choices she decides...it's absolutely amazing.

I don't consider myself to be a very courageous person. I am an avid avoider of conflict, I easily cave to the will of others, and I never say "no" or stand up for myself. I've let myself live in the land of self negativity for as long as I can remember...so I'm not even brave enough to change my own personal mindset. I can't make any major life decisions without consulting at least one of my "crew" to get their perspective because I don't trust myself and I'm terrified of making wrong choices. I'm scared of taking risks, being imperfect, or going against the grain.

My fear, my inability to be courageous, has and still is impacting my treatment and recovery from this battle with depression. I've been afraid to be open about how I feel and what I think. I've fought against treatment options because I am too scared of what will happen. I've hidden things from people because I was worried they would be angry, upset, or disappointed in my shortcomings. I've done dangerous things because I have been angry with myself and because the thought of working through this giant mess of a person I am is scary. I'm scared of change, I'm scared of abandonment as a result of the changes I undergo, I'm scared of the thought of my life looking different as a result of treatment.

So how do we find courage? Where does this ability to face what we fear manifest? Can even the weakest of people like me become strong and brave, or are we born with or without courage? Will I be able to face myself and climb out of the darkness? Can I change myself enough to live?