Speak.

I've heard a lot lately about words and their power. Most of my life has shown me the power the words of others hold in my own life. What I didn't realize, though, is that sometimes our words hold powers that we didn't even intend, impacts that weren't predicted or part of the plan. See, it's not the words themselves that hold the power: the power comes when the words are heard, interpreted, translated, and examined carefully.

I am often afraid to speak my mind. I often say yes and agree to most anything. I often bite my tongue and just nod. It's not just because I'm afraid of the power of my own words (though sometimes that is part of it)...it's because I'm afraid what words I will receive in return and how that response will hit me. I am afraid of conflict, I'm afraid of judgement, I'm afraid of denial or rejection...I'm just so very afraid of...well...life.

After my first hospitalization back in September, I emerged ready to heal, ready to push forward, ready to tackle the world. At first, I made good progress in areas...but those were only baby steps and the path ahead started to look fairly long and VERY intimidating. It's funny how the landscape can change as you start to move and uncover it, how what you thought was a small rock turns out to be a huge bolder or that "little hill in the distance" ends up being a grand mountain. What I found was that the things that I thought were the problems were either not the real problem at all or, if they were at least part of the problem, they were merely just the tip of the iceberg.

So, away I chipped...and chipped...and pushed...and climbed...

Then I lost my balance. Some rocks that I thought were stable and sturdy really weren't able to hold much of anything. Everything started to crumble and I was left just hanging on for dear life, desperately grabbing for any slight help I could find. Sometimes, when you are desperate or grasping for straws, your thoughts get clouded or confusing and your judgement gets compromised. I spiraled, I rolled down, I lost my way and ended up completely off the path.

I think, in a way, I didn't want the truth to be real. I didn't want to admit what the problems REALLY were...what the real issue is. It hurts to admit that you have failed, and it hurts even more to admit that the reason for failure was simply yourself, nothing more and nothing less. Without your voice, you can't speak for yourself...without passion, fire, blood, you can't fight for yourself...a doormat can't stand up to anyone, it can only be stepped on by everyone else's feet. If you are acting and wearing a mask, your true self can't be seen or known.

I'll admit, I messed up BIG TIME Tuesday night...words have power, my friends, this I now know. And even if what was said or what I thought in my mind were not was perceived on the other end, the real impact isn't what I said or what I meant but how someone HEARD it. I should have never said or done what I did, but I can't take it back...so here I am, scared, desperate, and completely exposed...probably the most vulnerable I've ever been.

...yet I suddenly feel...free?

Since Tuesday night, I've said a lot more that's needed to be said for...well...years. For the first time that I can ever remember, I've spoken my mind to someone that I've been too scared to say anything real to in years. I've admitted some not so glamorous truths about myself, I've made some hefty requests, and I've given my view on the state of affairs. Each sentence comes with shaking, trembling, worry...

...yet so far they've been met with willing and listening ears?

I FOUND MY VOICE.

I am completely terrified of what the shake out will be from Tuesday, yes. I am horrified that my recent brain fog and confusion caused me to feel things that are not realistic, and those unrealistic feelings caused me to ruin something amazing. I worry I'll never talk to that dear person ever again, that I caused permanent damage that can't be undone, forgiven, or repaired.

I'm also thankful that I made the choice to push through the moment of terror and use my words in a different way. I'm glad that I've been able to speak my truth and show my feelings to the person who should always know me best, the person who should always be the one standing there cheering louder than anyone else for me. And maybe this new voice will transform this relationship too. It may also cause it to crumble, to break, to become ruins...but I won't know until I speak.

And I can't be silent anymore. I can't be the doormat going forward. It's time to use my voice. How you choose to take these words is up to you...I only speak them.