Often times, though, we are taught that certain thoughts or feelings are "inappropriate" or not what we "should" be thinking, feeling, or doing. Somewhere along the way we are taught that we should trust others, but not ourselves. We are taught that our inner experience is not valid, is flawed, or is lying to us. We then start to constantly question ourselves:
"Do I REALLY feel this way?"
"Should I even feel this way?"
"Is this feeling unfair or inconvenient to others in my life?"
"Do others EXPECT me to feel this way?"
Invalidation happens when someone's thoughts, feelings, or experiences are rejected, ignored, or judged. It can often cause emotional distance from others, or in cases of self-invalidation, it can cause identity crisis. It highly impacts people with mood disorders such as depression and can cause the recovery process to be compromised. Sometimes invalidation can happen without the party who is invalidating even realize what they are doing is harmful. Sometimes it can be used as manipulation or to control what someone believes or thinks about situations.
Personally, I have spent many years not only unable to self-validate, but actually self-invalidating constantly to the highest degree. I take even the kindest of words from others and try to deconstruct them internally to make them negative. I add degrading and horrible insults towards myself when apologizing to others. I have denied myself of dreams, goals, and feelings by telling myself that they aren't real, aren't achievable for me, or aren't what I really need (even if they are what my heart truly desires). I've also allowed others to invalidate my emotions and thoughts, both for the purposes of pain and the purpose of help. People can invalidate without even meaning to harm; trying to "help" by rerouting or discouraging the feelings or thoughts can be just as bad as not acknowledging them at all.
I consider myself to be a very emotional and passionate person. One of my best friends recently described me as wearing my heart on my sleeve. I try to see the best in everyone, even when it's hard. Yet, I am so focused on the negative inside myself, so concerned that I can't trust myself or be comfortable with myself and my own thoughts. It's why I avoid conflict, why I constantly apologize, why I constantly have anxiety and try to overly analyze what people say (or don't say) and do (or don't do). It's why I constantly worry that people will abandon me or hate me: that I am always the cause of discontent. It's why I get overwhelmed in high-emotion moments and struggle to find control of myself.
A part of the process of how to validate anyone is by examining and defining the inherent worth of the person. Enter the struggle zone for me: I can't even begin to see the worth in myself. It's been a question I've asked myself a lot lately, "What makes me worthy of life?" I've discussed it with therapists and friends, "What happened to cause me to have rock bottom self-esteem?" That's all part of it: it's hard to validate yourself when you see yourself as worthless, when you don't feel like you matter to yourself or anyone else.
So what makes me worthy? I'm a person, I'm unique and individually made. I am kind, loving, and genuinely care about everyone in my life. I am passionate, fiercely loyal, and would willingly put my own life and risk for those dear to my heart (which, more than likely if you know me, that's you). I may be quick to anger, but I always forgive almost as quickly and never let things linger. I give my money, time, energy, and love often and without hesitation or resentment.
Another part of validation is that you examine and discuss the thoughts or feelings one is having by simply stating the facts and reality. No casting judgement or trying to downplay. There's always room for emotions to just be. To judge what someone is feeling is to say that they are somehow wrong or that their experience is unrealistic or inauthentic. Everyone sees life through their own eyes, and these eyes are developed differently and witness life through a unique perspective. We are all individuals, so it makes sense that how we see life is individual as well.
I find it easy to empathize with others and to see their perspective. I can rationalize almost anything that someone says the feel or experience...except for myself. I often work to discredit myself. I argue with myself and accuse myself of being dishonest. Sometimes I tell myself that what I think or feel isn't valid because it's different than those around me; sometimes I tell myself that my feelings don't matter or are unequal to others. And sometimes I tell myself that I am undeserving, so it doesn't matter what I think or feel anyway.
I've been experiencing a lot of emotions over the last 2-3 weeks, and I've been trying to do a better job of allowing myself to sit with the emotions and thoughts for some time without judging them, without trying to argue with myself or dismiss them, and also without doing any actions based on them. I am sometimes very quick to act on my emotions or to act in ways to try to counteract the thoughts or feelings. By doing this, I am often invalidating myself or trying to find validation from others to fill the void. But I don't just do this with validation: I try to fill all the voids in my own thinking, feelings, self-esteem, and self love with anyone (or anything) that I can. I'm learning the hard way how incredibly unhealthy this is and how much destruction it can cause to even the strongest of relationships or bonds.
My hope is that, in taking the time to write this and really think about it, I can work to do a better job with validation and acceptance of myself. Once I do that, I can try to start repairing some damages with others. Some may take more time than others, some may be completely destroyed...and I take full ownership for it all. Sadly it may all just be part of the journey. But I can only hope to come out on the other side better than I was when this all started, healthier than ever. And I can only hope that those who genuinely love me and care about me will be willing to accept my mistakes, my moments of failure, my questioning of aspects of my life and, with any luck, we can all come out on the other side with better, healthier, and stronger bonds and relationships as well.
Step one: accept myself and validation of my emotions.
I consider myself to be a very emotional and passionate person. One of my best friends recently described me as wearing my heart on my sleeve. I try to see the best in everyone, even when it's hard. Yet, I am so focused on the negative inside myself, so concerned that I can't trust myself or be comfortable with myself and my own thoughts. It's why I avoid conflict, why I constantly apologize, why I constantly have anxiety and try to overly analyze what people say (or don't say) and do (or don't do). It's why I constantly worry that people will abandon me or hate me: that I am always the cause of discontent. It's why I get overwhelmed in high-emotion moments and struggle to find control of myself.
A part of the process of how to validate anyone is by examining and defining the inherent worth of the person. Enter the struggle zone for me: I can't even begin to see the worth in myself. It's been a question I've asked myself a lot lately, "What makes me worthy of life?" I've discussed it with therapists and friends, "What happened to cause me to have rock bottom self-esteem?" That's all part of it: it's hard to validate yourself when you see yourself as worthless, when you don't feel like you matter to yourself or anyone else.
So what makes me worthy? I'm a person, I'm unique and individually made. I am kind, loving, and genuinely care about everyone in my life. I am passionate, fiercely loyal, and would willingly put my own life and risk for those dear to my heart (which, more than likely if you know me, that's you). I may be quick to anger, but I always forgive almost as quickly and never let things linger. I give my money, time, energy, and love often and without hesitation or resentment.
Another part of validation is that you examine and discuss the thoughts or feelings one is having by simply stating the facts and reality. No casting judgement or trying to downplay. There's always room for emotions to just be. To judge what someone is feeling is to say that they are somehow wrong or that their experience is unrealistic or inauthentic. Everyone sees life through their own eyes, and these eyes are developed differently and witness life through a unique perspective. We are all individuals, so it makes sense that how we see life is individual as well.
I find it easy to empathize with others and to see their perspective. I can rationalize almost anything that someone says the feel or experience...except for myself. I often work to discredit myself. I argue with myself and accuse myself of being dishonest. Sometimes I tell myself that what I think or feel isn't valid because it's different than those around me; sometimes I tell myself that my feelings don't matter or are unequal to others. And sometimes I tell myself that I am undeserving, so it doesn't matter what I think or feel anyway.
I've been experiencing a lot of emotions over the last 2-3 weeks, and I've been trying to do a better job of allowing myself to sit with the emotions and thoughts for some time without judging them, without trying to argue with myself or dismiss them, and also without doing any actions based on them. I am sometimes very quick to act on my emotions or to act in ways to try to counteract the thoughts or feelings. By doing this, I am often invalidating myself or trying to find validation from others to fill the void. But I don't just do this with validation: I try to fill all the voids in my own thinking, feelings, self-esteem, and self love with anyone (or anything) that I can. I'm learning the hard way how incredibly unhealthy this is and how much destruction it can cause to even the strongest of relationships or bonds.
My hope is that, in taking the time to write this and really think about it, I can work to do a better job with validation and acceptance of myself. Once I do that, I can try to start repairing some damages with others. Some may take more time than others, some may be completely destroyed...and I take full ownership for it all. Sadly it may all just be part of the journey. But I can only hope to come out on the other side better than I was when this all started, healthier than ever. And I can only hope that those who genuinely love me and care about me will be willing to accept my mistakes, my moments of failure, my questioning of aspects of my life and, with any luck, we can all come out on the other side with better, healthier, and stronger bonds and relationships as well.
Step one: accept myself and validation of my emotions.
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