Diagnosis Murder

"Hi, my name is Megan and I am here for depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and self harm."

Three nights each week I say those words to a group of 3-15 people. Sometimes that is followed up with reading and answering a question "from the fishbowl" or sharing something random like my favorite ice cream flavor with the group. It always amazes me though how easily those words all fall from my mouth, how almost calming and free it makes me feel to share these things with people I only know by their first name, people I only see 3-9 hours each week. Sometimes, though, I feel like these people know me and get me more than anyone else in this world: more than family, friends, coworkers...more than I even know myself.

People are constantly complaining or sharing on social media about the problem with how our society views mental illness. Friends and family are all outraged with the stigmas that come with mental illness, the lack of knowledge or compassion, the inequality of it all. Yet a lot of these same people gave the advice to be silent, to not speak up about my struggle, to lock everything down tight. I was advised to tell my boss nothing after each of my hospitalizations, I was scolded for posting daily affirmations and links about suicide prevention or blog posts I've written because it put my family at risk, I was told that people don't understand or care to hear my whiny stories. Here's the deal, though: how does anything change if we aren't more open about ourselves? Will society just magically become more accepting of mental illness if we all hide our demons in the shadows and only speak of them in hushed tones in the "safe spaces" in our psychiatrist's office (or psychologist, therapist, social worker, PCP, etc...)? We encourage people to share their cancer survival stories, their devastating stories of loss, stories of hope and pride in overcoming other illnesses...why is mental illness any different?

Mental illness knows no limits; anyone can be diagnosed with a mental illness. Mental illness is just that, though: a diagnosis. It's not a label, it's not a defining factor of who we are, it doesn't make anyone a monster...it's just an illness like the flu or cancer. I am a mother, wife, teacher, average middle class American citizen living paycheck to paycheck...and I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I am married to a man who is just shy of being genius level for his IQ, a man who is gifted, a father, husband, son, computer guru...and he has Bipolar II Disorder. We both are normal, functional, productive, and successful. I've been hospitalized twice for suicidal ideations with a plan, and my husband has been hospitalized once for a major panic attack/breakdown. None of this makes either of us a "danger to society." None of this makes either of us bad people. We just each have illnesses that require medication and care from professionals to keep the illnesses in check.

I had some recent moments of frustration with people telling me that I was putting my family's livelihood in danger by being open about mental illness. I decided to take a break from Facebook, I made this blog private, and I went to just writing in my journal. Here's the deal, though: as a teacher and a person who considers herself a lifelong learner, I think that we should all be open to sharing and learning from each other just as much as from a textbook. I also think that honesty is a very important moral and as humans we owe it to each other to always be open and honest, even when it may not be easy or seem like the best idea. I took the first step in this honesty yesterday by sitting down with my bosses in their office and telling them where I've been for the last 8 days and why I was there. And you know what my bosses said? It wasn't, "Well, you are unfit to be around children...you're fired!"

"Thank you for being honest with us. We are so glad you made the choice to put your life first and get help. We really appreciate you sharing with us. What can we do to help you? Take care of yourself first and foremost because we need you around...the students love you and miss you."

And sure, I could still end up being dismissed at the end of my contract in May, but you know what? At least I was honest with myself and about myself. Mental illness is part of who I am, but it does not define WHO I am. Shouldn't we all be allowed to be comfortable within the skin we're in? I feel like sharing that I have Major Depressive Disorder is just as comparable to me sharing that I'm bisexual: it is just a part of who I am, just like my red hair and blue eyes...it's all part of what makes me, well, me. There's no shame in that: I shouldn't feel ashamed of who I am, I shouldn't have to hide it to make others feel "more comfortable."

I won't be sharing this with my students, but I would love for us to get to a place where we could. We all need to know that we're not alone. We all need to know that it's okay to have struggles. We all need to know that we are all complex but beautiful humans. We all should be allowed the joy of being free and open, the pleasure of being comfortable with ourselves and safe to share ourselves with others. Suffering from depression and anxiety doesn't make me a monster, it doesn't make me dangerous to others or less human. I'm treating my illness with medication and professional care in the forms of both individual and group therapy. I don't love my children, my husband, my friends, my family, my students, my job any less because of this illness: this illness just means that sometimes I don't love myself and sometimes I feel compelled to close off from the world. It means that sometimes I hurt myself because I don't love myself as much as I should...but I'm working on this day by day, one step at a time. I hope that this can help someone else feel comfortable in the skin they are in, I hope this can maybe help some of us feel more open to sharing what we need or feel is important to share. I hope that someday that we as a society can be more accepting of mental illness and more open to discussing it. The best way to prevent some of the horrors of our world is by being willing to talk, share knowledge, and recognize before it reaches critical mass. We have to share, people...we have to be open...we have to start talking about mental illness.