Megan's Summer of Self Discovery/Self Awareness, Part 4: Friendships
So here's the deal: I've set goals for my summer. I want to in better touch with myself, more aware of myself, and take care of myself. To do this, I am going to be spending a lot of time thinking and writing my way through lots of self-realizations about all the aspects that make me, well, me: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, relationships, career. After a fun evening with a group of groovy gals last night and an upcoming 3 day weekend with some of our besties in Louisville, I think it's time we talk friendships.
Let's face it: I'm a bit of an oddity. I can be an acquired taste at times. So it shouldn't be a surprise that friendship always seemed to be a bit of a struggle for me for various and assorted reasons. I love to read and am fascinated by gaining new knowledge. I am a self-proclaimed "band nerd" and have a knack for remembering song lyrics and jingles. I'm a minimalist when it comes to appearance and never really figured out the whole makeup & hair thing. I love board games. I enjoy sci-fi and fantasy everything. I made good grades in school and was always well behaved. I actually really enjoy writing in all forms.
Anyway, most (we will get to exceptions to the rule later) of my childhood friends had one of two forms: 1) one year friendships for convenience, like "we are in the same homeroom, so we are friends" or "we have math together and we're both bored, so let's pass notes in math and hang out at lunch!" OR 2) fake friendships as a ploy to use or abuse me, like "oh, you are so great let's be friends...now I need you to help me with my math homework every morning" or "yeah, I had no problem using all that personal info you shared with me at my sleepover to go tell the clique so we can all laugh at you on Tuesday." It also didn't help that we moved to a completely different part of the country and a completely different setting when I was in middle school. I remember spending days alone at recess just talking to myself or absorbed in a book to just try to avoid it all.
What does that translate to in my adulthood? Well, for one, lots of insecurity. That basically translates into having layers of myself: I have an everyday, socially acceptable level of interaction and cheerfulness Megan, then if you are found to be trustworthy enough you pass into the level that I would go eat lunch with you and we can talk about things like my kids or family, dreams, etc, then there's the level of reality and all the things that very few get to deal with. Which, honestly, may not even be that great of a prize since you get all the reality of me.
It basically boils down to me having a very small inner circle of people (besides Casey & other select family members) that I really consider to be tried and true friends. These are the people that I share my parenting struggles, my fears, my sadness, my dark and twisty thoughts, my questions of the universe. These are the people I can text about awkward encounters with general society, people I can ask for advice, people who will just let me cry in their classroom and just rub my back, people who will send me a hilarious internet photo or video just because "I knew you'd get the humor." I've had to rely very heavily on these people over the last 6 months, and although my inner voice of insecurity worried what they were really thinking and telling me I'd just end up alone, these people have all taught me a lot about REAL friendship. And for that, I'm eternally grateful.
I seem to be including a list of some sort at the end of these "Summer of Self Discovery" posts. For this one, I've been torn if I just wanted to list the people out who belong in the inner circle (though honestly, you probably already know who you are and have gotten at least one late night text from me since January), if I wanted to just list the qualities these people have, or list what I've learned or felt about friendship. I think I'm going to just do some thank yous and maybe, just maybe, they will help someone else who may need to know what qualities make a TRUE friend. And hopefully those who have saved my life through this recent darkness will also read and know that some of these are directed to them specifically.
Some Thank Yous:
1) Thank you for always saying "hello" to me with a beautiful smile and giving the absolute best hugs anytime I needed them.
2) Thank you for answering all of my crazy ass random questions and never making fun of me for asking.
3) Thank you for always knowing how to make me laugh.
4) Thank you for letting me just come yell curse words and bang on your small group table after the bad days.
5) Thank you for motivating me and encouraging me.
6) Thank you for not once questioning my weird anxieties or my warped view of the world.
7) Thank you for being willing to "act a fool" with me anytime.
8) Thank you for talking to me for hours a day for 3 days straight and continuing to check on me at least once a week through everything.
9) Thank you for getting drunk with me and just laughing.
10) Thank you for humoring my weirdness when I'm drunk.
11) Thank you for always knowing just the right thing to say to me, sharing your wisdom and experience.
12) Thank you for reminding me what I have to live for.
13) Thank you for for letting me pour my heart out to you and not rejecting me.
14) Thank you for always knowing how to calm me down.
15) Thank you for giving me tips and suggestions on how to manage my stress and anxiety better.
16) Thank you for praying for me, even if I didn't specifically ask.
17) Thank you for helping me grow more knowledgeable and making me ponder things.
18) Thank you for mentoring me.
19) Thank you for saving my butt over and over.
20) Thank you for loving me unconditionally.
All the love, my friends!
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