Megan's Summer of Self Discovery/Self Awareness, Part 3: Marriage
So here's the deal: I've set goals for my summer. I want to in better touch with myself, more aware of myself, and take care of myself. To do this, I am going to be spending a lot of time thinking and writing my way through lots of self-realizations about all the aspects that make me, well, me: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, relationships, career. After a wonderful "date day" yesterday and even more amazing sex last night on the weekend before our 8th wedding anniversary, I feel compelled to write this morning about my relationship with my partner.
If you've been reading this blog or have gotten to know me deeply, you might know bits about my past with the opposite sex. That past makes me less than trusting of men overall, very easily intimidated by men, and constantly questioning motives of men...but not with Casey. Never with Casey, in fact, which is what makes how we ended up where we are making sense.
Casey & I met under the strangest of circumstances. We started out by "poking" each other on Facebook (do you remember when there was an option to "poke" people on Facebook?). We didn't know each other at all, just showed up on each other's "People You May Know" section and we started poking. Then we started chatting on AIM. Then we realized that we lived in the same apartment complex and were both music majors. This right here is why I believe in fate and "divine intervention." There's no possible way we would have ever crossed paths another way at another time. It was like the planets all aligned. It was like God knew this was the man I needed (and I was the woman he needed).
Anyway...so finally one day, Casey sends me an IM something along the lines of: "Hey, I made a cobbler and my roommates don't seem to want to eat it and I'd hate for it to go to waste..." We made plans to meet at a picnic table near the volleyball area (which was right by my apartment). I told my roommates what I was doing and said, "If I don't come back in an hour, check on me." I wasn't planning on love and it was the weekend, so I literally went out in my pajamas (those stupid blue flame pajama pants). He had on an old t-shirt and jeans, so I didn't feel so bad. And we ate cobbler (with a tub of ice cream...yes, he brought the whole tub, but no we didn't eat the whole tub...). And we talked about everything and nothing. And I just felt completely comfortable.
Casey cooked for me a lot in the coming weeks, sometimes at his apartment or sometimes at mine. We went to Walmart around 11:00pm on my birthday then went and got food at Krystal: I made him wear his tux for orchestra and I wore pajamas again. We went to IHOP for his birthday where he insisted other people were coming and I am still convinced it was actually a date. Then we made things "Facebook Official." Then he came to visit me at my parents' house over Christmas break, then I went and spent the night at his parents' house and we went to a Preds game. Somewhere in there we both kind of fell in love.
Before Casey, I refused to do a lot with my previous boyfriends (except abusive loserhead who forced what he wanted when he wanted...). Casey was different. I mean, I'd hold hands with a guy or kiss him (even make out a little), but would stop...more like freak out and start yelling and swatting...anything remotely touching anything. I had a guy that was nice about it, but we only went on a few dates. I had another boyfriend who, after 9 months, dumped me the week before his prom (but still asked that I go with him because he would't have a date otherwise) because I refused to go any further sexually.
Where was I? Oh, yes, Casey was different. I'd let him stay over at my apartment or go stay at his. We'd just cuddle and sleep, and it was amazing. There was never any pressure. Everything was started with, "Is this okay?" or "Are you sure you want to do this?" I'd NEVER had that. I'd never had a boyfriend who cared so much about ME, about MY FEELINGS, about what I was comfortable with.
Eventually we decided to "take the plunge" into sex. Then he proposed: one of my favorite stories. Then we "took the plunge" again and moved in together. Then we got married. We graduated from college. We got jobs. We bought cars. We got pregnant. We bought a house. We got pregnant again. I switched jobs. We traded in a car. We traded a car for a minivan. He finally switched jobs. We had a surprise pregnancy...that turned into a miscarriage. He switched jobs again. And now we're at today.
Somewhere along the way, life got a little crazy. It really does take work to make a marriage and make it happy. Back in the fall, we had a huge fight and we realized we needed to get some help to put the puzzle back together. I will say that I HIGHLY recommend marriage counseling for anyone who feels like there's even some bumps going on in your journey of marriage. Things are getting great again, and it's just because we got help and really made a focus on each other again.
So, through our nearly 11 years together and 8 years of marriage, here's what I've learned and hold to be the most important things:
1) COMMUNICATE
2) Remember to ask permission/include your partner, remember to say thank you, remember to look at each other.
3) Make time for each other, even if it's just 15 minutes a day. Put everything else aside and take that time. Also try to make time for what you both enjoy. Also, make time for sex.
4) Learn your partner's love language and remember to show your partner some love in the ways they enjoy.
5) Don't ever just try to "assign chores" or "split the load" in a set way and refuse to do something that is "his job" or "her job." Offer to help and ask for help when you need it. Changing a poopy diaper so your partner doesn't have to is love. Mowing the yard on Thursday while your mother-in-law watches the kids for a few hours so your spouse doesn't have to do it on the weekend is love. Chores are love, too.
6) Don't ever keep things to yourself that involve your spouse and their being, but also know you can't just change someone. Example: if your spouse has their phone at the table and it bothers you, tell them. If your spouse has a bad habit of trying to finish your thoughts and you really just need time to think, tell them. Don't be afraid to say, "It really hurts me when..." or "I would appreciate it if..." This all goes back to #1...COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!
Now I'm hungry, so time to go communicate and see what the breakfast plan is before we go get the kids. Wife out.
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