I was raised Catholic. I was raised with the outlook that we are all born with original sin, which is removed with baptism. As we continue to sin, however, we must repent, which is done through confession with a priest. I always had a feeling that God was an untouchable of sorts, too great for any little peons. As I grew older, I feared the wrath, the retribution, the punishment for my indiscretions...whether they happened by choice or not. I'm not sure that those thoughts and outlooks were taught in the Catholic Church, but they came to my brain somehow and never really went away.
As I read "Redeeming Love," I could see myself a lot in Angel (Sarah). In a way, I've always felt a bit like a "soiled dove" since my youth. Like Angel, I didn't seek the initial encounter out, but it didn't change the way it impacted me after. I forgave Nathan long ago for the things he did, but why couldn't I forgive myself? "Forgiving others for what they had done to her had come far easier than forgiving herself." #truth
I think the point where I strayed to a point where I felt I could not return was a night where I prayed for the pain to end...I prayed to die. "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." As was the case: I didn't die that night, or any other time I made futile attempts to do so. I continued to be haunted by unspeakable parts of my past, things I could never share because I feared the judgement, the anger, the inability to understand. I struggled to allow new relationships to blossom, I would have flashbacks at the worst of moments to do so. I once remember running and hiding in a bathroom, my boyfriend at the time on the other side of the door trying to understand, offering water or to take me home, but he could never really understand...how could he?
"People can't always be there for you, no matter how much they want to be." But why is that? What do we do with the darkness that consumes us? Who do we call for when we are lost? Who pulls us out of the water when we are drowning? For Angel, no matter how Michael tried, he could not take it all away for her. Even though Miriam wanted to be a listening ear for her, Angel could never share it all. Because, in the end, we're all human. We all have moments where we are a Paul to someone, where we judge the book by its cover, where we simply scan the headline and don't try to get the full story. Or sometimes we can't give up our burdens to those near and dear to our heart for fear of tainting them...hurting them...scaring them.
A lot has changed since I've become an adult, and in many ways I had buried that past...I had left that dirty, shameful, sinful person I was in the dust. I've been blessed with a lot, though I'm not sure why. "Just because you don't believe in the Lord doesn't mean his power isn't working for you." When I read that, I took a minute to stop and truly count my blessings, and are they vast. I'm married to an amazing man and our house is filled with laughter and loudness with our two beautiful, vivacious girls. I have a career that I feel passion for and get fulfillment daily. I have friends whose love is unconditional, whose hearts are always open, whose understanding knows no bounds. And yet, for all of this, one thing stuck in my brain: "I can't get over feeling that I don't deserve this."
"Every blessing comes down from the Father, not in payment for a good done, but as a gift." All I can say is this must be true, because I've done nothing in my life to deserve anything that I have.
I told myself that somehow the miscarriage was retribution. The pregnancy wasn't planned, but wasn't prevented. The joy, though, that pure, uninhibited joy I felt the day I confirmed (I'd suspected since the day after...sometimes you just know...). I wanted to share the news with all; I wanted to shout from the rooftops (and if you ask a few people, I almost did on some level as I just could't contain the news). That morning I woke up to the blood, though, I told myself: this is what you get, you are foolish for thinking that any of the good in your life is deserved, here's what you get to knock you back down to size. And then the blame set in again and unlocked all those doors I had tried to lock down tight...all the things I already blamed myself for came rushing back and flooding my body with sadness, hurt, anger, pain.
"God doesn't condemn, he forgives." I spent my whole life thinking the complete opposite.
"You have to die to be reborn." Like Jesus being nailed to the cross only to rise again days later? Maybe not that extreme...please not that extreme...but how? "You'll know what you're supposed to do when the time comes." I'm not sure I'm ready yet, but maybe someday? I have all the baggage I need to be ready to leave behind and go forward blindly. I need to be willing to remove all the clothing, all the restriction that holds me back, and go into the field naked like Sarah. For now, I'm going to keep on my journey, though. I'm going to continue to search for the good and find the answers. When the time comes, maybe I will know or maybe I will be guided. Maybe I'll even sing a song that just comes to my head at the time...but it probably won't be Rock of Ages.
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