Light Before We Land

"The Light Before We Land"

By The Delgados

This song has been coming to my mind a lot lately. I'm not really sure why...or maybe I am. There are moments lately, more moments than I'd like to admit, where I feel exactly what I perceive this song to express: life has lost beauty, excitement, passion, meaning. But where else would I be?

"When things that once were beautiful are bland..."

Sometimes it's almost like I'm in a constant fall. Not like I've jumped out of an airplane, but like I lost my footing at the top of the mountain and just keep slowly rolling down. Sometimes I'll catch a ledge, hang on as long as I can, then continue to fall. I realize that we all have our days, but I don't feel like that's what it is. It is more that I just lack the ability to truly feel happy about ANYTHING. I'm just going through the motions, hoping nobody sees.

"If we can hold on, we can fix what is wrong...buy a little time for this head of mine..."

It's funny, for someone who prides herself on being genuine and honest to a fault, that I'm secretly trying to fool them all...and myself. It's not that I don't care, because I do: I care about my family, my friends, my girls, my husband. I just don't care about myself. I am careless, reckless, impartial to what happens to me. I think that's probably the most dangerous kind of apathy one can have, not caring if you wake up each morning or if you even get dressed.

"And when I feel like I can feel once again, let me stay awhile, soak it in a while..."

There are moments where I enjoy that moment. I wish I could freeze them. Just stay in that moment where my mind doesn't wander to the darkness; just feel the sunshine breaking through the clouds a moment longer.

...Because, in all reality, I'm scared of the dark.

...I'm scared of myself.