Megan's Summer of Self Discovery/Self Awareness, Part 5: Fear & Anxiety
So here's the deal: I've set goals for my summer. I want to in better touch with myself, more aware of myself, and take care of myself. To do this, I am going to be spending a lot of time thinking and writing my way through lots of self-realizations about all the aspects that make me, well, me: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, relationships, career. Today we're going to start on mental health with a big one for me: fear/anxiety.
Today seems to be the day of random articles making their way to me that both related to the topics of fear or anxiety. This has been a new area of my life for me to really start digging deep and dealing with and one I've been considering devoting a blog post hashing out, so I think today was my sign. The first article (that my husband shared with me) discussed that anxiety can manifest itself as anger, which you can read here: https://themighty.com/2017/06/anxiety-presents-as-anger/
Although I've recently been told by multiple people that I outwardly present myself as a generally happy and upbeat person, I feel that I carry a lot of aggression around on a daily basis. Sometimes I will feel angry and not even know or understand why. Well, behold: it's probably tied to anxiety! I have TONS of anxiety about pretty much anything and everything, rational or not. Work, motherhood, relationships, even trying to cook dinner...I don't want to mess up. I have to be perfect! Always!
Perfectionism is something I've struggled with since childhood. I enjoy recognition (who doesn't?). I enjoy words of affirmation. I enjoy feeling successful. I enjoy being challenged and exceeding expectations or deadlines. I pushed myself as a musician in middle school & high school to beat older students in chair placements, make regional honor bands, receive recognition for my flute skills. I pushed myself academically to make all A's. I took on challenges in other clubs and groups I was a part. I tried to be a major contributing member to our Academic Team (Quiz Bowl). As an adult, I try to do similar with the aspects of my life.
Often times, this leads to disaster, though. I have days where I end up hiding in a closet or bathroom trying not to scream the profanities I'm thinking in my head (mostly at myself). I have nights where I cry because I made my family PB&J for dinner and skipped baths again. I yell. I stomp. I throw things (never at someone). Sometimes I just can't keep it all down anymore.
So, now that I've recognized that this is the issue, how do I deal with it? For starters I think I need to get better at accepting less than perfect from myself at least sometimes. I think I need to let go of that fear that people will judge me or think less of me. I think I need to realize that my family actually really likes PB&J and won't even care that we had it for dinner twice this month. After that, I think the next key is finding management tools to not let it overflow to explosion levels. A sweet friend of mine gave me a method of dealing with anxiety a month or so ago, and everytime I've used it, is seriously helps (if you need it too, look here: http://www.therapistsb.com/blog/post/5-4-3-2-1-coping-technique). I also think I need to get better at accepting the fact that sometimes we all need a little help and that's okay! It's okay to ask your husband to make dinner, it's okay to text a friend at 8pm just because you need to hash out your feelings, it's okay to take a sick day to just sit at home and watch Netflix in your pajamas.
And that's the real key words: IT'S OKAY!
The other "article" (it is more of a blog post type thing) I happened to just stumble across while being a Facebook creeper. It is more about prayer and fear/anxiety, but it really resonated with me for some reason: http://www.beliefnet.com/faiths/2006/06/first-unclench-your-fists.aspx?p=2
I think it resonated with me because it talks about letting go, which I really, really, REALLY struggle to do. We can't open our hearts and minds to anything if we can't let go. That's been a lot of what I've been trying to hash out since all of this recent crazy started...how do I let go of all the anger, anxiety, sadness, pain and move on with my life?
I know people tend to say things like, "Let go and let God," but that's hard for someone who has stepped away from religion for over a decade to do. It's not just God though, it's hard to let go of your burdens to anyone. Even your best friends. Even professionals that you are paying to just listen to you. It's hard to give up your baggage. It makes you feel so...so...naked. So vulnerable. So raw. Easier to judge. Easier to have stones thrown at you. Easier to feel the burn.
But to move on, to find happiness, to climb the ladder a little higher, that's what we've got to do. We have to hand over that coin. We have to stop clenching our fists. We have to turn to the person next to us and say, "Would you mind giving me a hand with all of this luggage? It's rather heavy."
So...will you help me carry my baggage? Will you tell me to breathe? Will you remind me to let go? Will you be there when I just need a hand? ...because it's gonna take a village with all this kinds of crazy. HA! But together, I think we can make it out and closer to the light before we land.
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