"A new command I give to you: love one another. As I have loved you, so you mus love one another."
I try SO very hard to live this verse. I think it is important to show kindness and love to everyone EVERY day of our lives. Unfortunately, though, I am human and I fail miserably at this constantly. After all, no human is perfect, no matter how hard we try.
There was a time in my life though, a time I've been focusing on lots recently in some of these blog posts, where I did not even try to follow this command. There was a time I was very bitter, very harsh, very abrasive. Sure, I can make excuses about all of the bullying I was getting daily from a group of people...but that doesn't make it better. Sure, I can also use the excuse of still being deeply trapped in a horribly abusive relationship...but that doesn't make it any better. Excuses don't change the choices I made or justify my actions.
His name was Ryan. He was popular and everyone loved him. He was a class clown type. He was a football player. But he was never mean to me. He never participated in the bullying or the put downs. He just tried to make everyone laugh...even me.
Anyway, Ryan LOVED country music. I HATED it. He loved to sing along with the radio on the bus from time to time. Usually we sat in completely different parts of the bus, but I had made a choice on this particular Friday morning that I wasn't going to be taken advantage of that day, I was going to sit as far away from Nathan as humanly possible and I was going to tell him that it was over (again). But then I thought about all the other times it was over (again) and the consequences of me saying those words. The only option was to sit in the front of the bus. That was going to be the only way to protect myself (um, why did I never do this any other times? Oh, right, my mother was the bus driver and who wanted to sit in the front so their mom could nag them for 45 minutes?). So I did. And so did Ryan...and then with the singing.
I got SO mad. I told him to stop. He said no. I told him I hate country music. He said he liked it and it was Friday and he wanted to sing because he was happy. And then I did it, I did one of the stupidest things I'd ever done: I just started thinking horrible things about how I just wanted to slap him across the face...how I wished he'd just drop dead and stop the damn singing.
It happened that weekend. Ryan died. He was riding his 4 wheeler to go fishing they said. Something started to fall off the 4 wheeler and he was turned around trying to grab it they said. He crashed. He died.
Oh, the guilt. The regret. The overwhelming thoughts. Why was I so cruel? That's the last memory I got to have of someone who had never once done anything mean to me? I wished for him to drop dead...oh why?! But it wasn't my fault, that would just be silly, my thoughts are not that powerful.
My friend Rachael was going to the funeral. She asked if I wanted to go. I said yes. And all I can remember from the funeral that was as soon as the first words were spoken all I could do was cry. I curled up into a ball and cried. "Oh, Ryan! Oh God! Please just forgive me! Please, I don't want to be remembered that way! Why couldn't he have just walked on that bus Monday morning with his goofy grin and his favorite hat so I could tell him I was sorry?! Oh, God, why?! He was young, happy, full of life?! I didn't mean what I said in my head! I was just having a bad day! Take me instead! He is loved and happy! Take me instead!"
I have no idea why hearing Debussy on the piano this evening made me remember Ryan, but it did. Maybe it was the cell phone that went off and I started to feel angry instead of calm. Maybe it was that the players had blonde hair like he did. Maybe it was the lighting. Maybe it was just that my brain has been picking the absolute most random things to relive lately. But, for some reason, I thought of him.
"God, I'm so sorry for that day. I know that I can't take back what is done, that my sins are not something that can just be erased. But I want to follow Your command: I want to love just as You have loved us. I will try to focus on this command and show it in my life...I will try my very best. I will try to show love, not anger, not judgement, not bitterness, just like the love You have always shown me even when I lost my way. Also, because I know he's up there with you probably singing a stupid country song, can you tell Ryan I'm sorry? Thank you, God."
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