To The One I Lost

From the moment we knew you existed, you were loved. We were slightly terrified of how we would provide for you and your sisters, but you were never unwanted or never feared. There was nothing in our hearts but joy...pure, uninhibited, massive amounts of joy. I think I told every single person in my inner circle within 12 hours of seeing that BFP. I was over the moon, I couldn't contain myself! I made an appointment. We started discussing names. For the next week our minds were filled with you. I remember getting messages throughout the day with name suggestions until finally I heard it and knew: Rosilyn.

But, you were clearly not for this world. That morning when I woke up to the blood, I knew. I foolishly tried to convince myself of otherwise, but the heartache kept flooding through. You were gone: I'd really lost you. Nothing I could do would bring you back. Selfishly I blamed myself, I became angry, I was overwhelmed with sadness like never before. Nothing else mattered, just that you were gone and I'd let that happen.

I've spent nights over the months thinking about you, dreaming really. I've wondered what your kicks would feel like, if you'd move to music like Meredith or to the sound of my voice reading like Eleanor. I've lusted to hear your heartbeat, to caress your sweet little face. Hell, I would even love to be up with you at 2am...

Nothing will bring you back, though. No amount of anger or blame will replace. I'll never even get to know why this happened or what this plan was really all about. I've wondered, though. I've wondered why you had to exist at all, and why you had to die. What's the real lesson here? I don't think I'll know, and maybe that's okay.

Maybe we will try again, and maybe we won't. Maybe our hearts will feel full and healed someday, and maybe they won't. Nothing can replace you, nothing at all. I do know this, too: you were loved. Oh, sweet baby, you were so very loved.