Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

"You have to stop this negative self talk. You are beautiful and just the way God intended exactly how you are!"

As I listened to her voice almost quiver and watched her fight back tears, I so desperately wanted to believe these words. I wanted to take the sadness away from her heart...but I couldn't help but knowing that I put it there. I am hurting my friends with the things I say and do...this must stop.

But how do you find the beauty in something that makes you want to shutter? Can there be beauty in the most horrible of things? Do people find things they want to throw away or destroy beautiful?

I stood out in the afternoon heat, tearing apart cardboard boxes so that I could compact them to take to the recycling center and I thought: "What makes you beautiful, Megan?" Though I see beauty in almost everyone that  I meet, I don't see beauty when I look in the mirror. Although I hear beauty daily in my work, I don't hear beauty in my own voice or music making. Although I witness beauty in the actions of those around me constantly, I don't see anything I do as beautiful. I see only that which I hoped to never become...I see only the negative in myself.

And I know: I know we all have flaws and we all can be self-critical...but this is more than that. I'm not just trying to even fit into a mold that society has tried to show me as what beauty is, because I don't buy that crap for one minute. I seriously don't see anything good in myself.

Sure, we can try to diagnose that or blame all the usual things from my past that get blamed...but will that actually show me why I am beautiful? And I know that some may say if I am a "true believer" in God then I would also just know that I'm beautiful because God made me and I am just how He intended. But am I really JUST how He intended? Am I living the life He calls us to live? Some would look at my life and argue no.

So is that it? Because I can't get my fucking life together enough I am just stuck? That boils down to this: I'm not good enough. My best is never enough. But, again, none of this fixes my self image. I'm not saying that God sees me as ugly as a I see myself (because, let's be real, it's only me who is seeing all of this because it's only me who is this crazy). But I am saying that I can't see it, people.