Lunch with Purpose

Maybe you know this about me (or maybe you don't), but I have pretty serious social anxiety. I get nervous when addressing large groups of adults, I avoid calling anyone on the telephone, and even the thought of making small talk with people I don't know makes me want to vomit and causes me to tremble. I almost have a paranoia that people are talking about me behind my back or that when people whisper when I'm near it's something negative about me. I know that all makes me sound super self-centered, but it's not really that...I'm just convinced that people see me as...a speck of dirt? A stain on the carpet? I might as well just wear my scarlet letter around: I should just list all my sins and shortcomings on a coat and wear it around. That's pretty much how I spend every day of my life, convinced that all people see in me is dark, evil, horrible things.

Yet, for some reason, I agreed to meet a co-worker for lunch today that I barely knew. She asked after reading another one of my blog posts ("My Brain After 'Redeeming Love'"), so even though I was nervous and untrusting, I felt there was a reason this was happening. Remember, I'm on a quest this summer: I'm learning about myself and trying to understand everything, so I'm kind of following the rabbit hole where it takes me sometimes.

I rolled the windows down and blasted my "Deep Thoughts" playlist I made on Spotify while I drove to the lunch destination. I dug around in my center console for a clicky pen and clicked it for about 5 minutes straight. I pulled over twice on my way to lunch, positive I was going to vomit. My hands were shaking. I wanted to do anything but get out of my car when I got to the restaurant. I wanted to rip my hair out. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to stab the pen through my eye and bleed out. But why?! Why am I so terrified? "What's the worst that can happen, Megan?" I grabbed my bag and slammed the van door. I walked in and looked around, but I was the first to arrive. I asked to be seated. I was shaking so bad I could barely open my straw when the waitress brought me a water. But why? "What's the worst that can happen, Megan?" 

Then I saw her walking in...I held my breath, and then...and then I did something I never do...

"Oh, God! Just...show me the purpose, God...please, show me the purpose..."

The shaking stopped. I waved, she came and sat down. We decided what to order. We talked a lot: we talked about our summers, we talked about school, we talked about my upbringing in the Catholic Church and our teenage years, we talked about our worldviews...we just talked (and ate). It was good. I shared some things I haven't shared with many, and she just listened. She was very calm the entire time. She...she made me feel calm. Her eyes were soft and caring, her intention genuine and good.

"So, what was the purpose?"

You know, I'm not entirely sure I even know yet. Maybe the point was to not think? To just talk from my heart? Or maybe, just maybe the point was that brief moment before she walked in...just to let go. Even if it was only one thing for a moment, just letting go and asking...to even think that I was allowed to ask...that I could speak His name and ask for something for myself for once.

Maybe it was only letting my hair down, maybe it was only removing a sock, but it was something. In a week where I've decided "that's worth a Google" to things that, honestly, I didn't think I'd ever Google and playing with a very dangerous fire that I know I shouldn't ever again touch I somehow finally reached a turning point.

We ended lunch with her asking if she could pray, and I said yes. I listened to the beautiful words come from her mouth and I almost cried. This woman who I barely know but merely coexisted with in a school building for the last three years asked for things from God for...for...for me, for my family, for my heart. But why? I'm nothing but a speck of dirt? A stain on the carpet? I might as well just wear my scarlet letter around: I should just list all my sins and shortcomings on a coat and wear it around.

"Oh, God! Just...show me the purpose, God...please, show me the purpose..."

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." 

"Good for you! What a champ! You wanted help and clarity, and you felt like you could ask!"