"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'"
I have been planning my life out since I was a child. I was the kid who actually used her planner in middle school. I decided in the 7th grade that I was going to become a band teacher. I did the math with Meredith to know which months we could try to conceive so that we'd have a summer baby that didn't require me to take maternity leave. I drive my friends nuts because I want to plan out girls' nights or weekend plans weeks or months in advance. I've already picked out music for my bands for the entire school year. I sometimes use Google Calendar to plan a day or weekend by the hour. I like to plan, I need a plan for everything.
But, what happens when plans change? What happens when the unexpected becomes the plan? How does one learn flexibility? How do we learn to enjoy the unplanned?
Well, sometimes the unexpected is beautiful, like a cat who shows up at your doorstep or a new co-worker who becomes one of your best friends within a matter of months. Those are the easy to deal with unplanned plans. They make your heart happy.
Sometimes, though, the unplanned can be messy and less than desirable, like finding out your cat has cancer or waking up to the sight of blood when you are pregnant. These are the unplanned plans that can sometimes shake us to our core; these curve balls can derail the train of life entirely.
But, here's the big question: which plans, whether we think we planned them ourselves or not, are His plans? Are date rapes His plans? Are mass murders His plans? Are babies who die before they are even born His plans?
Why? If you can plan it all, why have bad plans? I never wake up and think, "Today I plan to slice my finger while cutting peppers and purposely watch my bank account go negative $1,000!" Who the fuck would make bad plans?
But He knows the plans he has for me...He KNOWS...
This my friends, this is where I struggle. This is where I question. This is where I doubt. I just can't understand why He would allow these things to happen. Are they punishments? Are they tests? Are they puzzles to solve?
God, are you there? It's me...yeah, I know, long time no chat. So, here's the deal: I really want to seek and find you, but my heart is heavy. Oh so very heavy. I just can't understand why you would make these plans for me, God. Why all the pain? Why all the hurt? Why let me live without You for so long? You said your plans are not to harm me, but so much did, Lord...oh so much. I've spent half of my life living with the torture and then you give me more by taking away the child I was bearing. Just...can you give me a clue to understand all this?
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