30 Days of Me: #4/30

Day #4: Habit(s) You Wish You Didn't Have

I want to preface this with a few things:

1) This was actually a difficult topic for me to focus and write. 

2) One of the skills of mindfulness we are working through at DBT Skills Group is to look at things non-judgmentally. Therefore, I tried my best to write about each habit without passing judgement or using labels such as "good," "bad," "worse," "better," etc. My hope is that comes through in the writing.

Habit #1: "Self Blame"

Description: I have a habit of blaming myself for events and reactions that occur in my life, even if it's something completely out of my control. I take frustrations, aggression, and other emotions people express and find ways to make it because of me. My husband has started saying, "It's not all about you," to point out this habit to me.

Why This Doesn't Benefit Me: Blame does not change the situations, events, or emotions. Continuously thinking negative thoughts about myself will not help me improve my mood or make progress along my journey.

Healthier Methods: Being able to look at the facts of a situation or event without assigning or implying any blame helps everyone see the situation just as it is and allows for everyone to find ways to improve the situation or event for the future. Everyone is entitled to having emotions, but that doesn't mean that I need to agree or feel the same...and it definitely doesn't make it my fault that they have these emotions. Allowing people to own their feelings without taking them on myself will make my relationships healthier.

Habit #2: "Black & White Thinking"

Description: I tend to see things as only 'black' or 'white,' 'good' or 'bad.' This causes me to constantly reflect and pass judgement on all of my actions, words, thoughts, or feelings. This thinking makes everything into an extreme or absolute.

Why This Doesn't Benefit Me: When I use this mindset, I tend to be very hard on myself and only focus on the negative.

Healthier Methods: Being able to look at the facts of a situation will help. Also realizing that there are shades of grey in life will make a difference. Remembering that everything in this moment is just as it should be and that I am doing the best I can will allow me to work on this habit to improve myself further.

Habit #3: "Regretting the Past and Worrying About the Future"

Description: I spend many hours reflecting on the past and/or contemplating the future. This leads to feeling regret and fear almost constantly, which means I hesitate or question every single thing I do in the present.

Why This Doesn't Benefit Me: I cannot change the past or predict the future, so focusing so much on either only causes pain.

Healthier Methods: Mindfulness! Being focused in the present moment leads to greater happiness and greater feelings of connection to those around me and the universe as a whole.