Show Me Love

There have been so many days that I've woken up wishing I hadn't over the last six months, so many moments where I wasn't sure I could carry on living. I've found, though, that those days are the days where the smallest gestures end up changing everything. I've been very lucky to have people show me love in what may seem like small ways, but they've really made the difference in my struggle with Major Depressive Disorder and diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Here's a few ways I've been shown love through this hard season:

1) A Bracelet that Made Me Laugh
My friend Grace and I both have very unique tastes in music. In high school, the song "Smack My Bitch Up" by The Prodigy came on and we both instantly started singing while everyone else stood there looking confused. Since then, "Smack My Bitch Up" has become our theme song. One day in the fall, a package was sitting at my door when I got home. It included many small things like a wrecking journal and stress balls, but my favorite part was a bracelet that said "Best Bitches" on the inside. I started laughing hysterically because I knew exactly who it was from and exactly why she sent it (besides as an effort to get me to stop cutting).

2) A Funny Card
My friend Elissa had to bring me some clothes when I was hospitalized. She asked on the phone if she'd get to see me and give me a hug, and I told her they would simply make her leave the clothes at the front desk. So, she made another stop just to buy me a funny card and also wrote a sweet note inside about how she was proud of me for getting help and all the progress I was making. It was a pleasant surprise to find it sitting on my bed with my clothes when the nurse left it in my room!

3) Coca-Cola
One of the worst parts of being hospitalized is that they don't provide you with soda pop (or really any form of caffeine). When I got out of the hospital in November, though, I found a note in the driver seat of my minivan that said, "Go enjoy a post-hospitalization Coke on me...and maybe some ice cream, too," and had a gift card to Sonic attached to it. I couldn't believe one of my friends had gone to such an effort just to make sure I could get a soda on my way home.

4) A Daily Reminder That "You Are Enough"
The week of my 30th birthday was especially difficult and I was very depressed and having suicidal thoughts all week. On Thursday morning, I walked to my desk and noticed a tumbler sitting on my laptop with a post-it note on top. "Happy Early Birthday! Love You, Reedy," it said. The tumbler said, "You are enough...a thousand times enough." I cried, went and found her, and gave her a huge hug while crying. I couldn't believe a co-worker would go to such efforts for me, and I don't know if she really knew how much that meant.

5) All the Little Things
It means so much when people do even the smallest of things. I am always touched by random text messages asking me how I'm doing or saying things like, "Been thinking about you today! Hope you are feeling alright!" I've had more than one occasion where I've come to work and someone has brought me Starbucks (everyone knows I'm obsessed). I'm also always thankful for smiles, pats on the back, or hugs: physical touch is #2 on my Love Languages. Sometimes I think people do things without even realizing, but they mean the world to someone who struggles with depression when they are having a low day.