She continued to look at me as she lightly patted her dog, Denver, until I made eye contact.
“There is always a cause and reason, even if we do not know or understand in the present moment. The world is gentle to us…”
“I know…I know…but I can’t help but feeling like in this moment that the world is beating me senseless…”
She laughed and continued to pet Denver. He seemed to be uncaring about anything that was going on in the room and continued to enjoy the comfort of his dog bed. She paused for a moment and I took that as my cue to apologize.
“Sorry I kind of just handed you a giant, twisted mess…”
“No, no, it’s okay, I just needed a moment to think. Your feelings are valid and make complete sense. Everything in our lives serves a purpose though and pushes us towards growth and enlightenment. Even in moments of great pain, there is a purpose.”
…everything in life at this moment is just how it should be…
I’ve spent the last two and a half months trying to wrap my brain around the why of L just walking out on me. I’ve gone through moments of blame, moments of self-hatred and shame, moments of pain and anger, and moments of absolute heartache. I’ve done things impulsively, letting my emotional mind take over, trying to grab for control and a way to end the storm of emotions.
None of that has changed anything, though. None of it has given me anything that I could use to move on or repair the friendship. If anything, it’s simply left me spinning my tires and searching for reason that doesn’t exist. None of it has really made me feel any better.
A major part of DBT is acceptance. It’s more than just saying, “I accept,” like you casually do all the time with terms & conditions for an app download or a new credit card, though. It’s literally allowing yourself to believe that everything really is just as it should be and that you can only change what is in your control…the rest you must simply accept and let go.
I may never know what compelled L to be one of my best friends for over a decade than suddenly one day decide that I’m nothing to her and walk away with zero regret or concern. I may never understand how to forget her. I may never again feel comfortable in a room with her. I must, however, accept that she has decided to change the nature of our relationship without my consideration or input. I must accept that no matter what I do or say, her mind is made up and I cannot change her mind. I must accept that I love people more than they love me most of the time.
Here's what I accept today:
1) I accept that L and I are no longer friends.
2) I accept that I may never know why L left.
3) I accept that I will always care about her and love her.
4) I accept that this whole situation is just as it should be and part of my journey.
…even in pain there is a purpose…
Loss is painful. Acceptance can be painful. This whole situation is painful in so many ways. Yet, in a way, there’s a lot of beauty coming from the situation. There is a purpose, even if I don’t fully understand it yet. L coming into my life served a purpose just as much as her leaving me did. Every aspect of our relationship, every single day, every single event, every single emotion I felt…it all taught me something. She taught me so many things.
Here are a few of the purposes I can find for my friendship and loss with L:
1) I was reminded to not judge a book by its cover. L first came across as almost snobbish, self-centered, and that she was above me. The reality was very different and I’m so glad that I continued to be kind and talk to her to actually get to know the real L.
2) I found that I am not alone in many of my struggles with things like self-identity, feeling inadequate, discomfort with phone calls, wanting to be seen as someone worthy of attention, and being driven by my own thoughts and feelings. We shared so many anxieties, philosophies, and feelings. It was great to have someone in my life that I felt really understood me.
3) I probably wouldn’t be seeking the treatment path I am now if L hadn’t been in my life. She did lots of research, lots of pushing and convincing. L is the reason I started IOP as soon as I did, she’s a large part of the reason I went inpatient the first time, and she knew I was borderline before I did. Without L in my life at this critical time, none of that would have happened as it did.
4) I discovered that our fallout wasn’t an isolated incident—I have a history of similar behaviors and struggles with relationships in previous parts of my life. I never saw or understood in my adolescence, but as an adult who is in major treatment, I am finding the patterns and my therapist is determined to help me find the root of these issues so that I can improve and become better for the future.
In this moment, I choose to accept. In this moment, I choose to let go. In this moment, I see what blessings have come out of this time of darkness. I’m learning so much about myself, I’ve found some great friends both (during my treatment and because of my treatment) that are becoming very positive lights for me and helping me see the way out of the darkness. In this moment, I choose to accept. In this moment, I choose to let go. In this moment, I choose to live.
Goodbye, L...I choose to let you go.
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